There have been an ALARMING number of forum posts and blog comments recently with VERY strong expressions of anger and frustration towards women. While the logical justifications for the anger make sense, I can also see exactly how limited and disempowering it is.
LifeOS isn’t about whinging. LifeOS isn’t about complaining and blaming others for your life situation. It’s about getting real, powerful, and simple long-term solutions for your problems.
So, in the LifeOS Tradition, here is that solution in 5 simple steps.
Overcoming Anger Towards Women in 5 Simple Steps
NOTE: Every step in this chain has an attached exercise. If you want to start the process of healing your anger towards women, go through each exercise before you move on to the next step.
If you want to heal your anger towards women, you’ll find all the tools you need in here to help you overcome it.
If you don’t want to heal your anger towards women, I CHALLENGE YOU to go through each step and exercise in this. Then, at the end of this, post your results and see how you go.
If you do it and get nothing out of it, you can carry on living your life with your head held high
Step 1. Understanding Your Anger
There are plenty of logically sound justifications for being angry, especially towards women, but at the end of the day, your anger boils down to one thing: you’re not getting what you want out. It’s that simple.
There’s something you want and you’re not getting it. If you had everything you were looking for, you’d be happy and fulfilled. But you’re not happy and fulfilled. You’re angry. Why? Because you don’t have what you want.
The first step in dealing with your anger is working out what you’re looking for.
There’s one VERY important thing to keep in mind when doing this: what you desire isn’t an object, a person, an outcome, or an activity.Objects, people, outcomes, and activities are simply pathways to getting what you really want: Experience.
The core of every desire is an experience and every object, outcome, person, or activity is what you believe is going to help you get the experience you want.
- You don’t desire a particular woman, you desire the experience you have around that woman
- You don’t desire lots of money, you desire the experience you think you’ll have when you get lots of money
- You don’t desire to win a race, you desire the feeling you think you’ll get when you win the race
The people (women), objects (money), and outcomes (winning the race) are just vehicles to experience what you desire.
To see how this plays out in your life, try this:
Write out a list of everything that you want in life – your dream job, your dream woman, your dream house, your dream car – in a list down the page.
Then, next to it, write out why you want that. Keep asking yourself ‘why’ until you write down: because I would feel (insert experience here).
Try asking yourself ‘Why?’ after that. There’s only one answer you can give: because it feels good. Experience is the only end in itself. Everything else is a means to that end. Experience is at the core of every desire and so the first step in healing your anger is to work out what experience you’re looking for.
Exercise 1: Your Core Desire
Your first exercise is very simple. Complete this sentence:
“I currently feel (insert experience here. Here’s a couple to help guide you: powerless, alone, not in control, lonely, incompetent, isolated, lost, emasculated) and I want to feel (powerful, connected, in control, accepted, competent, part of something, directed, like a Man).”
If you’re having trouble working this out, go back to the list of things you wrote out that you desire and imagine yourself in the perfect situation, having received and achieved everything you desire. Notice how you would feel in that situation.
That’s how you desire to feel.The way you’re currently feeling is almost always the opposite of that.
Why? Because the things we desire in life are what we have subconsciously associated with feeling the way we want to. And we desire to feel that way because it’s the opposite to how we’re currently feeling now.
So, complete the sentence and then move onto step 2.
Step 2. But why women?
The anger that happens when you don’t experience what you want is always directed at those who you perceive to be responsible for not experiencing what you want in life.
If you were angry at politicians, it would be because on some subconscious level, you blamed them and their decision making on your lack of fulfilment/happiness/freedom/satisfaction/connection, etc…
If you were angry at the police, it would be because on some subconscious level, you blamed them and their decision making on your lack of fulfilment/happiness/freedom/satisfaction/connection, etc…
But you’re not. You’re angry at women.
So, that means that on some (sub) conscious level, you’re blaming them for not experiencing what you want out of life.
Exercise 2: Responsibility
The second exercise is also very simple. Complete this sentence:
Women are responsible for me currently experiencing (insert the feeling that you found in exercise 1) and prevent me from experiencing (insert the feeling that you found in exercise 1) because they (and list the specific actions and personality traits in women that prevent you from experiencing what you want).
This is an important step because it will start to show you the real cause of your anger.
Step 3. Your Script
There is only one problem you face in any area of your life. No, it’s got nothing to do with women, work, friends, or leisure time.
They’re all places where this problem can manifest but the problem lies much deeper than these different areas of your life.
The problem is your Script.
Your Script is a simple, three part mechanism and it’s responsible for all the happiness, sadness, excitement, freedom, connection, resentment and anger you experience in any area of your life.
The three parts of your script are:
1. How do you feel?
2. How do you want to feel?
3. How do you bridge the gap between the two points?
That’s it. Really simple. Simple, but incredibly powerful.
The easiest way to demonstrate just how this plays out is to run you through a typical coaching conversation so you can see it all at play.
Here’s a standard conversation I would go through with a coaching client when helping him deal with his barriers:
Johnny: I keep running out of things to say to women
Leigh: I see. And this is a problem? What happens when you run out of things to say?
Johnny: Of course it is! When I run out of things to say, the conversation dies and women walk away from me! I want it to stop!
Leigh: I see. And what have you tried to do so far to fix it?
Johnny: Well, I’ve memorised some interesting topics to talk about, some cool stories to tell, and some interesting questions to ask.
Leigh: And that’s not working for you I gather?
Johnny: I wouldn’t be here if it was. Women just keep walking away from me. It sucks!
Leigh: How do you feel when women walk away from you?
Johnny: What do you mean? I don’t know… I… Not sure… I guess I feel like a failure…
Leigh: Ok, great. Failure is a great word. What do you really want to happen? And how would you feel if it did?
Johnny: That’s easy. I want her to laugh, to be interested in me, to talk back and share and ask questions. I want her to be interested in me and I want her to like me.
Leigh: And how would you feel if that happened?
Johnny: I would feel… Like… I’m in control, like everything’s going to be okay, like I was valuable.
Leigh: Great. So this is what I’m hearing from you: You currently feel like a failure, you want to feel in-control, and the way that you’re currently trying to bridge the gap is by trying to get positive responses from women by memorising stories, topics, and questions to talk about.
Johnny: Umm… Well… Yeah, I guess. I’d never thought about it like that.
Leigh: Good. So your problem isn’t that you’re running out of things to say, the real problem here is that you want to feel in-control and the way you’re trying to feel in-control is by trying to get positive responses from women. On top of that, you believed that the only thing that was preventing you from doing that was having enough stuff to talk about. Can you see that?
Johnny: I can….
Can you see how Johnny’s Script played out in that situation?
When you strip back all the layers, he didn’t have a problem with running out of things to say or with getting positive responses from women, he had a problem with relying on positive responses from women to feel in-control.
Now, it’s your turn.
Exercise 3. Find Your Script
Now that you understand just how the Script works it’s time for you to find your Script.
This should be nice and easy because you’ve already got most of the information already written down.
If you remember back to the start of this section, your Script has three parts:
1. How do you currently feel?
2. How do you want to feel?
These two can be answered from what you’ve written in Step 1.
The last part you need is ‘how you’re trying to bridge the gap’. You know from Step 2 that your anger towards women is there because you blame them for not being able to experience what you want.
Whilst you may not know the specific way you’re trying to bridge the gap, one thing is for sure:
You’re making women responsible for how you feel.
If you weren’t, you wouldn’t feel as though they were stopping you from experiencing what you want out of life and you wouldn’t have this anger towards them.
So, your exercise is to write out your script in this format:
“I currently feel (insert your current experience of life), I want to experience (insert what you want to experience) and the way that I’m trying to bridge the gap is by making women responsible for how I feel.”
Yes, it’s important that you write this out so you can see it sitting right in front of you in plain English (or Spanish or Polish or Portuguese or whatever your language of choice is).
So write it down and hold it in front of your face.
This is so fundamentally important that I can’t even begin to fully emphasise just how critical this is. But I’ll try.
You’re angry at women because you’ve been blaming them for not experiencing what you want out of life. You’ve been frustrated and angry and putting the responsibility for that frustration and anger onto women.
But the real problem here isn’t that they haven’t given you what you want. It’s that you’ve been relying on them to give you what you want. You’ve been dependent and needy and when women haven’t been satisfying your dependency and neediness, you’ve been getting angry with them.
If you weren’t dependent on women to feel good, if you were able to find your sense of fulfilment/power/freedom/excitement/connection without relying on women, then it wouldn’t matter if women gave it to you or not because you wouldn’t need it from them.
The reason this is fundamentally important to realise is that if you blame women for the anger and frustration you’ve experienced in your life, then you will never be able to fill that hole.
You’ll always be at the mercy of the women in your life to feel happy, free, and fulfilled.
But, when you realise that you’re the one who created that frustration and anger by being dependent on women in the first place, then, and only then, can you EVER hope to actually heal the problem from the core.
So, write out your Script in the following format:
“I currently feel (insert your current experience of life), I want to experience (insert what you want to experience) and the way that I’m trying to bridge the gap is by making women responsible for how I feel.”
Once you’ve written that out, there’s one more thing you need to ask yourself:
Is relying on women to make you feel the way you want to going to help you create the empowered, exciting, passionate life that you want? (Is your current Script an empowering Script?)
If your answer is ‘Yes’, then I wish you all the best (but given the fact that you’re reading this, I HIGHLY doubt it’ll be a yes).
If your answer is ‘No’, then it’s time for step 4…K
Step 4. Find a new Script
The problems you face in life all exist because of your Script. It has nothing to do with friends, family, work, or leisure time. They’re just places that your unproductive Script plays out.
But it’s not all of your Script that’s the problem. It’s only one part. That part is element 3: how you’re trying to bridge the gap.
Let me explain:
Feeling lonely is not a problem. Wanting to experience connection is not a problem. Trying to memorise stories and lines to keep uninteresting conversations with women you have nothing in common with to bridge that gap is a problem.
This results in you appearing forced and insincere and most women won’t want to be a part of your life. This results in you only forming the shallowest of connections and only with women who’re gullible enough not to see through your charade.
But if you change the way you bridge the gap to being open, real, and vulnerable with people in your life and finding people who’ve been through similar experiences as you to connect with, then you can make deep, real, and powerful connections with like-minded people.
Because you’re being real and genuine, real and genuine people will want to hang out with you, and because you’re opening up and sharing yourself first, other people will feel far more comfortable opening up and sharing back with you.
Which one sounds better to you?
Feeling powerless is not a problem. Wanting to feel powerful is not a problem. Trying to trick women into doing what you want so you can feel like you have some kind of control over your life and experience the power you crave is the problem.
This results in you coming across as manipulative and domineering and only experiencing fleeting moments of power when you can trick weak and needy women into spending time with you.
But if you change the way you bridge the gap to experiencing power through pushing through your barriers and boundaries and doing things that scare you, then the only thing that’s stopping you from experiencing the power and sense of control in your life that you crave is your ability to find more barriers and boundaries and things that scare you.
This results in you not being dependent on positive responses with women and actually having happiness and a sense of self worth to share with women rather than needing it from them. You’ll also be FAR more likely to be able to take women on an exciting adventure rather than needing her to lead the way.
Which one sounds better to you?
Exercise 4: Your New Script
Your frustration isn’t going to magically go away by sitting on your arse and wishing that things were different. You have an unfulfilled need and you’re going to feel incomplete and unfulfilled until you quench it.
You know that your current Script isn’t going to work for you so you need to find a new Script.
Specifically, you need to find a new way to bridge the gap that removes your dependence on women (and anything else in the world around you) and puts the power back in your hands.
How do you do that? Here are two articles that explain two very simple ways:
Step 5. Take action
Finding your old script and knowing your new script isn’t going to make any difference until you put it into action.
Nothing changes until you take action.
Information without action is mental masturbation and will NEVER help you create the life you want.
You must take action.
But jumping head first into the hardest and scariest situation possible doesn’t work. All that ends up happening is you get freaked out.
The way to make a real difference in your life is to find the edge of your fear, the place where you’re a little bit scared but you can still take action, and to lean over that edge.
When you do this, you’ll prove to yourself that it’s not as scary as you thought and you’ll become comfortable. Then, you need to find a new edge. And then another. And then another. And by taking those small steps forward, within weeks you’ll be doing things that you never thought were possible.
Exercise 5: Your step-by-step progression plan
You know your old Script was unproductive and now you have a new one to put into action. You also know that in order to experience what you want, you need to take it step by step. So, to help you with that, you need to create an action plan.
Here’s how you can do that in a few simple steps:
1. Define your end point
Imagine yourself in the future with this new Script. You’ve been living it and loving it and you’ve made MASSIVE progress. What does your life look like?
How do you relate to people? Are you closed, repressed, and shut down, or are you open, free, and real?
How do you engage activities? Do you whinge, complain, moan, and try to get away with doing as little as possible or are you powerful, productive, and try to make the most of every moment?
2. Define your starting point
How is the present moment different from your desired future?
3. Decide what needs to change
What needs to change about the way you live your life in order for you to bridge the gap?
4. Find your edge
Look at one place in your life where you need to make a change and find one activity that you can do that will take you towards the life you want, that scares you but you think is achievable, and…
5. Lean over your edge
Take action. Put yourself in the specific situation that scares you but you think you can push through it and implement your new script.
Then, when you’ve done that, find the next place. Then the next place. Then the next place.
Keep going till you’ve reached the end point you set in step 1.
Once you’ve done that, go through these 4 steps again. Then again. Then again. And by the time you finish your third or fourth run, you’ll probably be dead. But you’ll be the most fulfilled, happy, and confident man in the cemetery.
There are 5 simple steps you can follow to start the process of eliminating your anger towards women. They are:
1. Understand Your Anger
2. Find the link to women
3. Find your Script
4. Find an empowering Script
5. Take action
If you follow these 5 steps, your anger towards women will slowly but surely start to vanish because you’ll see that they weren’t stopping you from experiencing what you really desire, YOU were stopping you. And now that you have the tools, you’re not stopping yourself any more.
Your Objections are meaningless
If you’ve been angry at women for a while, then this is going to take a while to flip around in your head. You’re also very likely to have some very strong objections to points in this article.
Here, I’ll try and cover them as well as I can. If you have more, please post them up and I’ll answer them.
“But what if I just want sex?”
Then get a flesh light. Or pay someone to have sex with you. Because if that’s all that you want from women, can you blame them for wanting to stay away from you?
How would you feel if someone was talking to you, just to convince you to clean their house for them?
Would you be interested in talking to them? Would you want to get to know them? Would you even bother hanging around for 30 seconds to hear their sales pitch?
If all you were trying to achieve when you were talking to me was to try and convince me to help you move house, I’d tell you to get lost. I’d tell you to find some other poor sod to use for physical labour. If you had any self respect, you’d do the same thing too.
Can you see why women are walking away from you?
“But there are women who are bitches/are manipulative/are narcissistic/who use Men/are gold diggers/are psycho feminist Man-haters.”
You know what? I completely agree with you.
There are some women who are bitches/manipulative/are narcissistic/who use Men/are gold diggers/are psycho feminist Man-haters.
There are also men who are arseholes/are manipulative/are narcissistic/who use women/are gold diggers/are psycho misogynistic Woman-haters.
It’s a sad fact of life that there are people in this world who aren’t shining balls of light and love and who are only interested in taking what they can from the world rather than giving boundless love.
But the only way that someone can cause you anger and frustration is if you are dependent on them to feel good.
If you didn’t have a Script that placed the responsibility for your happiness on the shoulders of women, then you wouldn’t care when they didn’t make you happy.
But you do. And so you do.
The problem here isn’t that people aren’t your high and holy image of perfection, the problem here is that YOU’RE not your high and holy image of perfection. You’ve been trying to use women to feel good and you’re getting angry when they don’t make you feel good.
When you take that away and find another source of happiness, fulfilment, and satisfaction, then it won’t matter.
It’s not their fault, it’s yours.
And, if you want to go deeper into this…
What was the Script you discovered in Step 3? Was it to give to women freely? Was it to share your love and happiness with the world? No, it was to get women to make you feel good.
It was to USE women to feel good.
Yes, there are women who are bitches/are manipulative/are narcissistic/who use Men/are gold diggers/are psycho feminist Man-haters, but up until this point, you’ve been a needy, dependent, manipulative, woman-hating misogynist who tries to use women.
Just something to consider.
“But women can have sex whenever they want!”
You’re right. Most women can find someone to have sex with easier than most guys. But that doesn’t mean their life is any easier or more rewarding than yours.
Just because a woman can walk into a pub and walk out with some random dude on her arm, it doesn’t mean that she’s attracted to him or is going to enjoy the sex at all.
If you count having awkward, meaningless sex with someone you’re not attracted to, where the chance of you actually getting off is slim to none as an easier life, then you’re right.
But if that’s your definition, I’m sure you could walk into some outback, country pub and find an old, overweight, disgusting, drunk woman to stick your fleshy bits in whilst she dry heaves over the side of the bed onto the dirty, stained floorboards.
Ahh… The good life, eh?
Finding people you’re attracted to, to have exciting and fulfilling sex with is just as hard for women as it is for Men.
I’m fortunate to know lots of VERY attractive women (8’s or 9’s in most guy’s scales) and most of the single ones haven’t had sex in AT LEAST a few months, (in some cases more than a year) because they can’t find someone who they actually want to have sex with.
Confident, strong, powerful, attractive Men are FAR harder to find than you think.
If you want to look at it in really objective terms, you probably have it easier than most women because at least you can pay an attractive woman to have sex with you. Attractive Male gigolo’s aren’t anywhere near as accessible.
“But that’s not true. I know some women who can have a different guy every night of the week if they want!”
And I know some guys who can too.
I’m not talking about the extremely small minority of unimaginably attractive women who are lucky enough to have an army of high quality guys at their disposal. I’m talking about the VAST majority of women. The same VAST majority that you’re angry at.
“But it’s not fair. Women never have to take the initiative!”
You know what? Neither do you.
You don’t have to be the one to walk up to her. You don’t have to be the one that initiates the conversation. You don’t have to be the one to ask for contact details. You don’t have to be the one to call first. You don’t have to be the one to lean in for the kiss.
You don’t have to take the initiative.
You can just sit on your arse and wait for someone else to take the initiative. You can wait for a strong, masculine, confident woman to come strolling up to you and tap you on the shoulder and say “Hey little Man, you’re coming home with me.”
You have complete choice over whether or not you take the initiative so don’t blame women for this.
The question you really need to consider is “Do you want to?”
I can’t answer that for you but here’s what will most likely happen if you don’t take the initiative.
1. You’ll miss out on hundreds of incredible opportunities
If you don’t have the balls to put your desires out there and go after them, you will sit on the sidelines watching opportunity after opportunity pass you by. This doesn’t just go with beautiful women, this goes for business opportunities, opportunities with mates, and opportunities in your free time. Your life will reach a fraction of its potential because instead of putting your hand up and saying “This is what I want!”, you’ll be sitting in the back somewhere waiting for someone to pick you out of the crowd.
Is this the life you really want?
2. You will ONLY ever get the things in life that other people pass up
People who take the initiative are going to get all the incredible opportunities. When the golden opportunities appear, they’ll be the first one in the line, standing at attention, ready to take the bull by the horns. The ONLY opportunities that are ever going to come your way are the ones that the people who have the balls to take the initiative deem not worthy of their time.
These will be the opportunities that are okay, but not great. That are kind of fun, but not amazing. That are sometimes interesting, but not really. That are sort of attractive, but not what you really want.
Is that what you really want?
3. The only women you’ll attract will be Masculine women
I don’t know about you, but the kind of women I’m really attracted to are the beautiful, girly, emotional, excitable, feminine women. Yes, you read right. I love the emotion. I love the femininity. These are definitely not the kind of women I would choose as a business partner, but these are the kinds of women I am incredibly attracted to.
These also happen to be the kind of women who don’t take a huge amount of initiative and take on scary tasks.
Because of this, I know that if I want to have more of these women in my life, I need to take the initiative (which happens to be fine with me because I take full responsibility for my life and my life situation and taking the initiative makes me feel in control).
This isn’t to say that this kind of woman won’t make it easy for you. If you’re the strong, confident, authentic Man that she’s looking for in her life, they’ll find a way to get close to you and they’ll find a way to ‘accidentally’ start a conversation with you. But, they’re just not big on walking up, putting their drink on your table, and saying “Hey there cutie.”
There is a kind of woman that is like this though: Masculine women.
These are the tough, ball breaking, women who like to be in charge and take control of situations. They’re not particularly girly and not particularly feminine but they are very good at organising, structuring, and controlling.
This is the kind of woman I would choose as a business partner and this is the only kind of woman you’re going to attract if you sit around waiting for someone else to take the initiative.
In saying that, if you don’t have the balls to go after what you want in life and are sitting around waiting for some fairy god mother to drop everything into your lap, I can see no conceivable reason for her to approach you in the first place.
So, there’s a very good chance that you’ll end up alone.
Is that the kind of life you want?
So, in summary, you don’t need to approach her. You don’t need to take the initiative. But, if you ever want to be in control of your happiness rather than waiting for happiness to be dumped in your lap, then taking the initiative is the only way to go.