When I first started my journey into improving my relationships with women I had a lot of very limiting beliefs about women that made my journey a lot longer than it needed to be. They came from all different sources and were developed at different times, but they all contributed to me struggling and pushing in the wrong direction for a very long time.
To help you make sure you don’t fall into the same traps, here are 7 things I wish I knew about women before I started my journey.
NOTE: I talk about ‘women’ throughout this post but I’m not talking about ALL women. I’m talking about a very specific group of women – confident, strong, feminine women. Why? Because they are the women I’m attracted to and therefore, the women I’ve spent the most time with and learned the most from.
Thing 1. Women are not the same as Men
I know this might seem silly but it needs to be said: Women are not the same as Men. There is an inherent, biological difference between Men and women that means we are not the same. We do not have the same brain design and therefore, do not have the same drives, desires, mechanisms running beneath the surface.
I was raised by a 70’s, bra burning, feminist mother who constantly preached that women were the same as Men and could do everything that Men could do. Whilst I believe that women are equal in every right to Men, there is no way they’re the same. They’re not even close. The brain development of women and the brain development of Men take RADICALLY different paths from as early as the 8-week gestation mark and then never meet up at any point.
Women are different to Men. They don’t view the world the same way. They don’t interact with the world in the same way. They don’t experience the world in the same way.
I spent a lot of my life treating women the same way that I wanted to be treated and not getting anywhere with it. It wasn’t till I understood and acknowledged the difference between us that things really started to change for me.
Thing 2. All women are different
This might seem just as obvious as the previous point but it’s an important one to make.
The PUA community would have you believe that there is one magic structure or technique to attract all women and that if you follow their steps, there will be panties flying at you from all directions. When I first got into the community, I initially bought into this idea. I was looking for that magic line, that quick trick, that flawless structure until something hit me:
In order for one line or one technique to work, every woman would have to be the same. They would all have to have the same desires, the same drives, and be at the same point in their life.
But this just wasn’t true.
- There are some women who crave deep and powerful connections
- There are some women who desire excitement and passion
- There are some women who just want to feel safe and protected
And, on top of this, what a woman desires changes by the day, the hour, and even the minute!
- A woman can desire excitement and passion, then have a negative experience and feel unsafe and desire safety and security
- A woman can desire deep and powerful connections and then see something exciting and want to be part of that adventure
- A woman can desire safety and security and experience it and all of a sudden want excitement and intensity
All women are different and they all want different things. And not only that, what they want changes minute-by-minute. Any technique that instructs you to do anything other than pay attention to her and give her what she needs in that moment is based off a flawed logical foundation of believing that women are the same.
I wasted a lot of time treating all women the same and wondering why things worked beautifully one time and poorly the next. It wasn’t till I really started paying attention to what each woman was going through and what each woman desired that I started to form incredible relationships with women.
Thing 3. ‘Like’ and ‘attracted to’ are two very different things
Just because a woman likes you as a friend, it doesn’t mean she is or will ever be attracted to you.
A woman does not need to like you as a friend to be attracted to you. Women like nice, safe, fun, guys who treat them with respect and who are polite to their friends. Women are attracted to powerful, confident, strong Men who push their buttons and take them on an emotional rollercoaster.
Women can be, and often are, attracted to Men they don’t like. And they’re often friends with guys they will never be attracted to.
I spent a lot of time trying to get women to like me without ever working on being the kind of Man they were attracted to and then was left wondering why they still said “I don’t think of you in that way…”
Thing 4. Women love sex
This one was actually kind of amusing.
I was a virgin till I was 21 and equated the fact that women didn’t want to have sex with me as women not wanting to have sex. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Women love sex. More than you can ever believe. And they’re FAR kinkier than you would ever believe.
I spent a lot of my time thinking that women didn’t like sex, that they were doing me a favour by letting me have sex with them, and that I had to convince them to have sex with me.As you can imagine, this made attracting women hard work. I went in with the mindset that I was trying to extract something from them that they didn’t get anything from giving to me. It wasn’t till I realised that women loved sex, just as much, if not more than I did, and that women want to have sex with attractive Men who they deem worthy of having sex with, that the game flipped itself on it’s head.
Instead of being stuck in my head trying to convince women to unlock their secret chests and hand out prized possessions, the game changed.I could focus on being the most confident, powerful, free version of myself possible and watching as the women I had been desperately chasing started lining up.
If you’re struggling to get your head around the idea of just how much they love sex or just how kinky they are, check out “My Secret Garden” by Nancy Friday. That book will blow your mind apart.
Thing 5. Disrespect can be the greatest form of respect
I was raised to believe that I needed to respect women – that I needed to be nice, polite, kind, and gentle. And that was the only way to treat women.
Whilst I definitely believe that treating women with respect is important, just in the same way I believe it’s important to afford respect to everyone, being nice, kind, and gentle is not the only way to treat women with respect.
Sometimes, treating women with respect can be calling them filthy names, slapping and biting then, and treating them like dirty little sluts. And they love it.
For me, treating someone with respect means honouring their deep desires and drives. And whilst some women desire to be treated nicely, politely, and in the same way you would treat another man, there are other women who desire to be lustily pursued and used like dirty little sex objects by Men who they deem worthy.
Respecting women is a positive and necessary step in building healthy and meaningful relationships but don’t be fooled into thinking that the only way to respect women is to be nice, gentle, and polite.
I spent a lot of time treating women with my mother’s version of respect and wondering why they got bored and walked away. Those ones didn’t come back until I learned what they really saw as respect.
Thing 6. Women are not indecisive, they just don’t care
I used to put women on the spot: “You decide sweetie, whatever you want.”
The response I got was never the one I was hoping for: “I’m not sure… Maybe this, maybe that, let’s do this! Oh, no. Not that. Let’s do this!” All I wanted was a decision and she would never make up her mind. I labelled women like this as ‘indecisive’ but I was wrong.
They weren’t indecisive, they simply just didn’t care. To them, it really didn’t matter what decision was made so they were happy to jump between choice after choice without any real commitment. The only thing that was important was that we were doing something together. It didn’t really matter what we did. It didn’t really matter where we went. Just as long as we were together and having a good time.
I was asking women what they wanted to do because I wanted them to be happy. I didn’t realise that asking them was just making us both unhappy.
I stopped asking and started making decisions and everything was so much easier.
Thing 7. She’s waiting for you
Early in my journey to becoming a more attractive guy, I realised that the kind of women I really desired were the feminine, girly, emotional type.
I loved to share their delight in the beauty in the world. I loved to hold them when they were sad. I loved to watch them as they danced and performed, just for me
I’d see them play and laugh with other guys but when I started talking to them, all I got was their logical, intellectual, side. It baffled me until I sat down and thought about this deeply. What was the difference between them and me?
Why were women feminine and radiant around them and logical and masculine around me? Then I realised: it was because I wasn’t creating the space where they could be feminine and radiant.
In any relationship, someone needs to take the masculine role and someone, the feminine role. If I’m being wishy washy, unsure, changing with the wind, then I’m taking the feminine role. That means the women need to take the masculine role of making decisions and setting direction.
When I realised this and really started to take the masculine role, the natural feminine beauty started to shine. Women became more playful, more relaxed, more emotional, and more radiant around me.
It was there all along, I just had to create the kind of relationship that let them bring it out. They became the kind of women I was looking for when I became the kind of Man they were looking for.
They’re the 7 things I wish I knew about women. If I knew these 10 or 15 years ago, my journey would have taken half the time and probably been twice as easy.
Which ones of these are you struggling with? Or are there other ones not on the list that you haven’t learned yet?
Share yours below and I’ll write articles on how to deal with the most common problems.
26 thoughts on “7 Things I wish I knew about women 7 years ago”
I’d say I’m still awkwardly waddling/splashing around with #5: Disrespect can be Respect (I’d like to be sprinting and Michael Phelpsing through it.) Sometimes I’m playfully disrespectful and it just feels off while other times, it’s fun and on and I’m not sure what’s the dealio. Any recommendations on timing or connection?
To be entirely honest I still think 5. can be a very grey area.
Especially in the ‘sexual’ area where it isn’t always easy to distinguish between people who just like to let themselves ‘fall’ or use this as something to vent while others may have serious psychosexual development issues and try to overcompensate.
In other ‘areas’ this probably isn’t as vague though.
Although I don’t think that is exclusive to women, it’s [very] common for men (at least in Western societies) to call each other names in a not serious way – even among those who aren’t necessarily ‘immature douchebags’.
Women can be indifferent, mean and manipulative to you if you are wussy and the same women are open, sensitive and fragile when you became real men. This one was the biggest one for me.
Also interesting is how they are able to change almost instantly when they see you as a different man, like they don’t remember old you. So basically women react according to how they see you.
Too true mate. It’s funny how you I can say that over and over again to guys but it never really sinks in till they see it first hand.
Great article. It took me about 5-6 years to get these. Now they are second nature. It would have been nice to know them up front, but then gain, I guess learning them from experience is all part of the journey.
And, now that I think of it. I really think I can step up more, on the nbr7. Being more masculine, so that she can relax more around me and express her feminine gifts.
Glad you enjoyed it mate.
Stepping up with #7 is a really interesting journey. You really get to see just how beautiful, feminine, and open some women can be when you create the kind of space where they feel loved, safe, and protected. Obviously, not all women will be but you will be very surprised.
What is “taking the masculine role?”
There are a few books out there that explain very well “taking the masculine role”.
The Way of the Superior Man – by David Deida
King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine Paperback – by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette
Hi Leigh, I have some problems with polarity stuffs, why? I don´t know how, but is easy for me to take the femenine pole rather than the masculine pole, the point, me to, like you, I too like the feminine radiant and shine women… My friend, please, show me ways of turn on that side of me, look, Im better human than 3 years ago, but my tendency for the femine way is strong, women and people in general i feel that they love the love I give to them, but something is missed… That, Now in a comercials ways, I have 2 bussines, one of eat and other of trucks-freights, Im more worker now, more direcctional, but that things of the femine side still strong over me…. help me in that thing please… A big hug for all…
This is a long conversation that involves many parts – and interstingly, one I was having with one of my coaches today.
I don’t think we can deal with this over blog comments. Flick me an email and I’ll share some thoughts.
Mate, its always easier to take the feminine way , i.e submissive.
You like feminine women and women like masculine men. Anything that emphasizes gender can be sexy to opposite sex. Muscles, tall, confident.
Your business mean nothing. .. enough money will buy you a goldigger, masculine men can be poor broke and still get laid more…
Start by examining your lifestyle and health. Do u go to the gym? Go lift weights and get fitter looking and youre half way there. The hardest part is the personality and confidence, you have to push yourself to take risks
Wow this article blows my mind, esp number five.
Let me see how I can apply in real life
This was a very insightful list and I can tell you really like women alot. I only suggest that you critique #5 because it makes you seem like a pig. Emphasize that SOME women like it.
I also am struggling a bit with shedding my feminine scale off.
I’m by no means a wuss, I actually am elite with my game. But I still express myself in more beta-male ways due to being raised my mom.
And, there’s a hottie I’m after, but, I’ve neglected my game since I have been ubber confident, and now wuss ways seem to be manifesting.
How do I become an ultra-masculine apha again?
Cape Town, South Africa.
Socialise with a few very very beta type of guys and without doing anything at all you are suddenly the alpha male in the group and you will be seen as more valuable to women. Myself, i was pure beta until about 19 when i started hanging out with a very good looking but very dumb guy 3 years younger. He got so much attention from girls his age, and he often would bring a new one each week. I found myself suddenly the leader of a group for once, being a still growing teen while i was a few years older and more developed meant that he was quite inclined to always agree with whatever i say, he makes dumb mistakes without thinking and with extra lofe experience and twice the brain power (rough guess lol) i tended to seem like a typical alpha guy who is a leader and always knows what to do, and those girls , well most of them , were attracted to me… as a whole package. Im tall and fit but have bad skin, too pale. He is tall fit and permanently tanned…seeing him at 17 with so many girls that age who were into him purely because of his tan (he and his sister were blessed with a white dad and light dark mum from new zealand which somehow ended up with the two of them having 100% an ideal tan without ever going away… these hot girls were all completely unphased by his low iq (has never worked and on a disability pension from age 18 because his iq was too low to learn to read or write at any sort of level. It made me so jealous because i have seen how easy and quickly he attracts girls, while myself with no tan i dont stand out in the crowd but have great conversatio,n skills and alk that which after a week or 2 of chasing and takking to a girl she might like me. One time he asked me to drive him out to pick up a girl he met on facebook the day before, who was apparently already his willing girlfriend and they havent even met yet… i think she was 15 . A very pretty blonde from a normal family, basically saw his profile picture and liked it so much that iirc he took her virginity the day they met, after i dropped them at his. I lived 100m up the road and knew he would call in about 8 minutes to tell me to come back over , hes had his root and doesnt want to be stuck in his room having to hurt his brain by trying to hold a decent converstion with this girl who was smart too. After about 6 weeks i randomly got a text from her , (im convinced she spied my number on the sly while he wasnt paying attention).she was upset and didnt know what to do , i think she had realised that apart from looks hes got nothing, and wasnt even slightly good in bed, quickie no foreplay each time. Perfect opportunity for me to make her feel better by pointing out all his bad points, and making sure i keep an angaging conversation going. She fell in love with me and for 2 1/2 years gave me anything i wanted, i didnt ever ask once if i was al.owed to fuck her. I made the first physical move on the first night when i was sure she was sending me subtle signs that she wanted it. I basically just came up from behind while she was looking in the mirror and gently and slowly put my fingers in her, she was putting makeup on. She seemed to like that so i aggressively told her to
The question though, is how do I do these things if its not my natural self to do them, e.g be disrespectfull to women
I can be respectful, and yet still tease her and create tension. I can be respectful, and maintain close rapport with her, and when there is enough rapport I can be ‘forceful’ with her for a moment, to create an emotional ‘spike’ in her, then immediately return to the respectful manner (all while maintaining close rapport.) It’s not about being disrespectful, it’s about creating an intriguing experience, for her.
Sam, I dont think he is advising you to be disrespectful to women, not in the way you make it sound. His example, biting, calling her a slut, things like that, you dont need to worry about that until youve bagged the girl and youre having sex or something, and shes turned on. ONLY when she is turned on and really in the mood will she ever like it. When not in the mood, a woman does not crave an for e.g a strong alpha male to come and take what he wants as nearly as much. Its around her time of ovulation especially, but anytime most woman are aroused she wants to be dominated and fucked like a man. Sex with my ex was great, it almost always started with one or both of us getting the other in the mood slowly with , cuddling kissing etc, typical “sweet” type of way. This really engaged her brain and give her time to warm up, during which i could tell normally from her body movements, breathing etc that she was ready and wanting more, only then would i go near that wet pussy..and id take it slow to tease her.. slide the dick in slowly after teasing her for a while, slide it in slow and then i get faster harder and more dominant, I dont ask to change positions, i dont ask what position she likes, i just pick her up and make her, but verbally commanding her is almost as good. Just pullout without warning and strongly say something like “get the fuck onto your back, now, while physically turning her over. An aroused woman will obey every word and love it. Wussy men worry about things like what position she wants etc,. is she liking this, am i too fast too slow am i hurting her..but really the girl really wants to please you, be your slave, make you feel good, because we have evolved this way, it turns a guy on when she is submissive and this means shes more likely to get pregnant, and she likes to be dominated because dominant behaviour is a male behaviour the more dominant men in a group typically have higher testosterone, they are strong, healthy and produce genetically fit offspring.
and remember NEVER “ask” if you can fuck her now, obviously unless its you dont know her well enough to know if she wants it..but if shes in bed with you and kissing and cuddling etc, she knows and EXPECTS, that the guy is gonna fuck her, and WANTS you to want to, even if she DOESNT want it for some reason, i.e first date. In that case, she will make it clear when you go to far and stop you, so dont ask. In my early teens i turned off a number of gfs during different encounters by asking…yeah, dumb, we are both half naked and im on top of her kissing and i dont know if she wants me to? Or maybe it was the “rape, abuse, sexual harrassment, ” messages that were drilled into my head that made me think i was being rude, forcing her or raping her by starting intercourse without verbal consent. Unless you manipulated a girl into doing stuff, then a girl is with you and fooling around with you because she wants sex, and her letting you touch her all over, kiss her, take off her clothes, is a clear signal, and experienced men should be able to see that.
Me and my ex gf would most commonly finish our session with really hard, physical sex, I go out of my way NOT to touch her gently, within reason, pick her up, push her around, pull her in tightly and generally just use your body and hands in ways that she can feel your strength. Just fuck the bitch, and fuck her how you want it. p.s a lasting sexual relationship will only happen and satisfy both parties if she gets off too. I could get my ex off in only a few ways, by aggressively rubbing her clit once reallly turned on and wet, or by using my tongue.. she could make herself come with the shower head in under 3 mins if already aroused. Typically id make her come first because once i cum im too uninterested to force myself to spend 20 minutes doing it and i also dont do it as good, without realising. Once she comes, id be soooo horny because i would be hard and ready to fuck that whole time, sometimes it was 5 or 10 mins but sometime it probably took 20-25 minutes and a few times i succeeded after 40mins. We had sex twice a day most days, she gave it to me whenever i felt like it so often she wasnt in the mood, would warm up after we started but probably wouldnt cum easily. She would just tell me at the beginning if she thinks or wants to come, if not then we wouldnt try, id just come as quick as i want and stop. The first year however, she kept quiet and i remember many times spending half an hour doing the best job i could, thinking she likes it and wants it, only to fail and eventually realise later on that she knew from the start it wouldnt happen but went along with it to not hurt my feelings lol. So perhaps 2 or 3 times a week, she’d randomly ask me to make her cum, i could be reading a book and her watching tv lol… and everytime she would have a really easy orgasm in 5 mins or less. Sometimes she would change her mind from no to yes part way through fucking and say she thinks she can and wants me to try, that would take longer, 20mins at least.
Leigh, I found your site after listening a superb interview with you on the ‘Click Magnet’ podcast. I’ve read a lot of articles here since over the last week and listened to your own podcasts. The articles are really top rate.
The only thing I’d like to request is that there be a podcast transcription of each article. The reason I request this is that an article, no matter how interesting and this one was superb, can easily be lost in a slew of material that’s been generated. I could copy and past it into a word document, read it several times and years or months later read it again and think, ‘shit! I’d forgotten that!’ Whereas, currently I’m listening to podcasts daily – to get this part of my life handled – whilst I’m shaving, in the toilet, having a shower and especially whilst driving, whilst walking. Many of them again and again. And then I have real life experiences that jive with the information I’m getting.
It’s just another avenue to pass your message onto as many people as possible.
Dont actually be disresectful, just dont always put her first.
For example, a group of young men and women are out somewhere eating.. the beta guy who desires the girl is probably always trying to seem really nice and caring to her, in the hope of attracting her. They are eating pizza for dinner and theres not enough to fill everyone up, the nice guys go out of their way to make sure she gets enough or the last peice, while the alpha male is similar to the alpha male in a group of gorillas, he always gets the best, he gets the most and gets hiss fill even at the expense of others, and takes the best or all the females for himself. Hes really strong however and fiercely protects the group from attackers, leads the group to places with food and water, etc. They follow him wherever he goes without question..
The dominant type of male will just take the pizza, at the least he wont show any signs of caring too much about the girl..
Evolution of the human brain has been happening for millions of years and that girl is probably acting thankful to the nice beta guy next to her hanging off her every word, but her brain sees this as weak, he must be weak because he must have no other options or girls. In a typical group, the women will watch and observe behviours and social interactions to quickly pick out the confident dominant type of men, theres normally only a few and she will always want to get that guy, and especially around her ovulation each month will change her behaviours specifically to get noticed and attract this guy and keep attracting him. Shes never given head and hates it but this guy doesnt even ask he just pulls out from behind and makes her swallow, i say “make” in that he strongly but not forcefully (if she tries resisting he wont force her) grabs her hair and positions her head ready to suck… and she will simply do it because 1) she wasnt given time to think too much so wasnt repulsed by her imagination) 2) this man is the alpha and must do what it takes within reason to please him the best, she will wonder what he likes about her and what he doesnt like, and be worried about the other attractive women who he has the pick off… 3) she was incredibly turned on by his way off just doing it that she actually enjoyed it, not the taste of the cum but the feeling she gets when the guy just must have her, he wants her so bad that he is taking it, and she loves the way he is almost overwhelmed by pleasure, from her. Imagine a scenario where he hasnt even told her his name, and doesnt even bother saying anything after just has his way with her and walks off without a care, yet she gives herself to him continually every time he comes to get it. Long term girlfriends dont normally like the feeling off being used they can get when the bf comes over, has sex and leaves immediately. She probably moans about him being a user or something. Well this woman wouldnt dare moan, eventually no doubt she will try her best to get him to “choose” her and be with her only, permanently, but she does it not by moaning but by doing everything she can to please the guy, she will swallow all the time without the slightest hesitation even though she swore she never would. its when he DOES commit to her, that she stops. As the years go on they slowly put less effort in, may look after her body less, and try less during sex, because she has already got him, she thinks. Women should try to keep the passion going by realising that most young, decent looking men, alpha especially but beta’s too, will start looking elsewhere for good sex. Sex always gets less exciting with the same person, after years abd years and hundred or thousands of fucks, its just not exciting, especially when the woman stops trying to look as good and be sexy and passionate in bed.
Women maybe you could help me understand why so many of you so commonly put weight on after the marriage, a kid or 2 and looking good goes out the window.., he comes home from work and shes not wearing that nice dress or sexy top like in the past, shes in baggy tracksuit pant and jumper , hasnt put makeup on and is gllued to real housewives of new york or something. Yes, we get older and i know this is particularly hard for women to accept and some get so conscious of ageing that they prematurely
“let themselves go” , she has a couple of line wrinkles near the eyes so she thinks shes too old to be sexy and doesnt want to embarras herself. This is how i think of it but to be honest i really dont know… women love looking good and dressing nice so why, when they do the one thing tthat theyve always wanted (get married & live happy ever after) do they suddenly change?? Maybe they pretend to be like this, and reveal their normal daily selves once the guy has signed half his assest away, i dont know. Or perhaps she has a partner now so doesnt need to attract any others, but she still needs to attract her bloody husband !
Most women are Not women anymore these days.
Bro…Secret Garden…OH MY GOD
Could someone PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE explain to me how #3 makes any sense? I get that a woman can be friends with a guy without being attracted to him. But I don’t get how a woman can be attracted to a guy she doesn’t like.
I can be physically attracted to a gorgeous woman regardless of her personality, but if I don’t like her, then that’s going to detract from my overall attractedness to her. But if I do like a woman, that’s going to boost my overall attractedness to her, even if I find her only mildly physically attractive. ‘Like’ is a component in my sense of attractedness. The only way I can fully like a woman and not be attracted to her is if the physical attraction is nonexistent.
So it is really hard for me to understand how for a woman the two can not only have nothing to do with each other, but can have a negative correlation. What am I missing?
It’s not necessarily a negative correlation, and it’s hard to understand because it’s a different type of logic than you’re used to.
Instead of the logic of masculine men being fundamentally attracted to the physical shape of the woman, pay attention to what feminine women are fundamentally attracted to about in men.
How a dude looks might be nice to a feminine woman, but is it the core of her attraction? Along that line, what is going on under the surface for her that doesn’t ask for permission to make her attracted, but compels her?
Is it under her conscious control? What is the underlying logic of it?
You might have to consciously turn off the thinking and judging part of your brain and just observe for a while to understand it.
It’s like going to a foreign country and hearing people making sounds but it making no sense. If you try to use the rules of your language, you might get lost in trying to communicate. Instead, it’s something new to you, so you’ll need to pay attention to get it and then practice a lot to really get it.
I’d recommend re-reading what Leigh wrote and acting with it till it makes some sense. But reading without action won’t be enough to get it.
Great article still helpful after such a while, im super stuck how do you make the girl free about having sex around you. Its like everytime i try to push for sex i get shut down hard
I am a female, and I pretty much agree with this article. But I don’t want to be “disrespected” BUT I DO want a guy to make the moves on me FIRST and I want him to open up to me deeply about his feelings after we know each other. Listen to music, and talk about how deeply the lyrics are, etc. And I want him to make moves on me. And say sweet truthful things to me.