You love her. You know you do.
She’s an amazing girl and she deserves more. You know she deserves a bigger commitment from you, but you don’t feel like you can give it to her…
Why? Fear of commitment.
Fear of commitment has ruined more potentially rewarding and fulfilling relationships than the combined total of famine, war, Wrestle-mania, Jersey Shore, Monday Night Football, and her hot best friend*.
It slyly creeps in the side door like a 15 year old at 4:30am, coming home from a party that he wasn’t supposed to be at in the first place, and before you realise it, it has you in it’s nasty grasp.
That’s when the mind chatter starts to creep in…
“But what if I meet someone else??”
“But what if she turns into a psycho??”
“But what if she gets fat because she’s finally got me??”
But it doesn’t have to be like this. Fear of commitment isn’t some kind of genetic mutation inherited on the father side, curable only by heavy doses of radiation and castration.
It has an simple, easy, and obvious solution. here it is in 3 steps.
Step 1. Find the Desire Behind Your Fear
The first step is overcoming your fear of commitment is working out what you’re actually afraid of. Because, and you might not realise this, you’re not actually afraid of commitment.
Commitment is a logical construct, it’s a mental creation, it’s a future projection you create in your head based on theoretical assumptions, and you’re not afraid of logic. You’re afraid of the experience this logical construct will give you.
So what’s the experience you’re afraid of having?
If you commit, if you put that ring on her finger, if you give in, settle down, and lock her in, what’s going to happen? What experience are you going to have?
Are you going to feel free and alive?
Are you going to be able to do what you want, when you want to?
Are you going to be able to travel, to meet new people, spend an entire day in your underwear, and go out drinking whenever you want?
No, you’re not. Not ever close (according to your fear).
You know she’s going to be on you back, demanding that you take out the rubbish, wear pants, take the 3 month old half eaten pizza off the table and put it in the bin.
You’re going to be trapped, caged, and locked in.
Your fear of commitment isn’t actually a fear of commitment.
Your fear of commitment is a fear of losing your freedom.
It’s not a fear of committing, marriage or settling down. It’s a fear of not being free.
This is important to understand.
As with any challenge you face in life, you can’t run away from a fear and hope that it just goes away.
The way to deal with your fears is to fulfil the desire behind it.
A fear of rejection is created by a lack of connection. You can never run away from rejection for long enough to deal with the lack of connection in your life. The only way to ever overcome a fear of rejection is to develop a level of connection in your life that means you don’t care whether you get rejected.
A fear of failure is created by a lack of feeling of power and self-worth. You can never run away from the possibility of failure for long enough to ever feel powerful and in control of your life. If you’re ever going to be comfortable with failure, you need to develop a sense of self-determination and self-empowerment in your life that means that one failure can’t damage that.
This is the same for overcoming a fear of commitment.
The way to eliminate your fear of commitment is to develop more and more freedom in your life.
Why? Because the less of something you have that you want, the more afraid you are of losing it.
If you only have $5 to your name, then you’re going to try to hang on to every cent with dear life.
If you’re a multi billionaire, then you’re not going to care so much about giving a guy on the street a few bucks to buy lunch.
If you’re staggering through the desert with an empty water bottle, desperately trying to quench your thirst, you’re going to be very reluctant to share the small pool of water you found in a rock crevice.
If you’re bathing in a fresh water stream, so clear and clean that angles and bathing next to you, then you’re not going to care if they take one or two sips.
If you wake up to a blaring alarm every morning, to put on a uniform that feels constricting and stiff, to go to a job that doesn’t value your open and honest expression, to hang out with people you have to pretend not to hate, only to come home so tired that you don’t have the energy to pursue your real passions, then the small amount of freedom that exists between when you get home at 6:30pm and when you go to bed at 10pm is going to be very precious and you’re going to be afraid of anything that could take those precious moments of freedom away.
If you wake up when you want to, to go to a job that is an expression of what you really believe in, to hang out with inspiring people who value hearing what you really think, and demand that you do what you’re really passionate about, then you’re not going to really care about those few hours at night and commitment won’t seem like such a scary proposition.
You’re going to feel free already, regardless of what happens between 6pm and 10pm.
Step 2. Fulfil that desire
This means that the first step in overcoming your fear of commitment is to find freedom in the rest of your life.
Find a job that not only allows you to express yourself but values your clear and free expression and is an expression of what you truly believe to be right.
Find a group of mates who expect nothing less than hearing your real thoughts, opinions, and values.
Find pastimes that act as an outlet for your artistic and emotional expression.
Create your life around free and open expression and experience the freedom that comes from that.
But creating a life that is an expression of your freedom isn’t enough. Whilst you’re living that life, you need to do so in a way that makes you feel free.
If you’re doing a job that expects you to be free, but you stifle yourself in that job, then you won’t feel free.
If you hang out with mates who expect you to be free, but you still hold yourself back, then you won’t feel free.
So don’t just create a life that allows you to be free, make sure that you actually express yourself freely and openly as you’re living that life.
When you feel free in every area of your life – your work, your friendships, your family, and leisure time – you will experience the freedom you’re looking for and won’t be so afraid of losing the small amount of freedom you’ve worked so hard to accumulate.
Step 3. Create a relationship that fulfills that desire
“Are you saying that I should be free in every other area of my life so I won’t worry about being trapped in a relationship?”
A relationship doesn’t have to be a trap. A relationship doesn’t have to leave you feeling constricted and caged.
A relationship can actually be the greatest expression of your freedom if you set it up in the right way.
You can create a relationship that is freer than if you were single.
Here’s how in 3 steps:
1. Choose a girl that wants you to be free
Despite what a lot of Mens’ magazines keep telling you, not all women want to stay at home, spending all your free time locked in a room with them, talking about your feelings and emotions and watching the latest romantic comedy that appears to have the exact same story line and life lessons as the last 12 you’ve watched.
There are women who want you to be free as well.
There are women who want you to have a life of your own, to do what you want, to hang out with your mates, to go drinking after work, and to have boys nights every second weekend.
There are women out there who want you to be free as much as you want to be free.
And finding one is the first step in finding more freedom in commitment than without commitment.
The obvious question is: how do you know if a woman will want you to be free?
It’s actually easier than you think.
A woman who wants you to have all the freedom in the world is one that values her own freedom. Find a woman who likes to spend time on her own, doing her own thing, and I can basically guarantee you that she’ll want you to be free as well.
But finding this kind of woman isn’t enough to find more freedom in a relationship than out of it. You have to create special conditions within the relationship for her to want you to be free.
2. Give her what she needs to be able to let you be free
If you only had $5 in your wallet and you had no idea when or how you were going to get your hands on more money, would you give it to me? What if I asked really nicely? What if I threw a tantrum and demanded it?
But what about is the situation was different? What would change if you knew that you had $100,000 being deposited in your bank account as I was asking you? Would you consider giving it to me then?
What about if you knew you were going to have $100,000 deposited into your account, once a month, for the next 5 years? Would you consider giving it to me then?
What’s the point of this? No. I’m not asking you for $5 and I’m not going to give you $100,000 a month for the next 12 months.
Think about this in context to freedom in a relationship from a woman’s perspective.
If she’s with you, it’s because she loves you. She loves being around you and she loves the way you make her feel, and she wants more of it.
If you try take that away from her without letting her know that she’s going to have more of it, then she’s going to resist it.
If you try and take away her $5 without letting her know that you’re going to be making regular ‘deposits’ (this just got a little seedy…), in her ‘love bank’ (I can’t believe I wrote that…), then she’s going to be resistant.
If you try and do what you want, when you want to, without ever making her feel like you’re going to come back to her, then on a subconscious level, she’s going to want to stop you.
She’s going to be afraid of losing what she loves about you and therefore, not want you to be completely free.
If you let her know that you will be making regular deposits (Oh dear…), if you let her know that you love her and that she’s special and that you want to be with her, then she’s not going to worry.
She’s going to let you fun off and be free and do what you want because she knows that you’re going to come back again.
This is the second step in finding more freedom in a relationship than out of it – give her what she wants.
When you make your woman feel special, loved, beautiful, safe, sexy, and appreciated (re: when you give her everything she wants), she’ll be happy with you taking all the freedom you need.
She’ll know, not just through your words but also through your actions, that you love her and want to be with her and so she will be happy to let you run off and roam the world.
But once again, this isn’t enough. If you’re only making her feel loved, special, beautiful, and appreciated because you think it’s going to get you more freedom, then it’s going to feel like a chore. You’re not going to feel free because you’re spending hours of your time doing things you don’t want to in hope that you’ll get something in return.
That’s not freedom, that’s work.
But don’t stress, there is a simple way out of this situation:
3. Choose a girl who is so special that expressing your freedom includes making her feel loved, beautiful, and happy
Not only are there attractive women in this world who want you to be free, but there are also women in this world who are so beautiful and real and exciting and pure that just their smile is enough to light up your entire world.
There are some women (not a huge amount, but they definitely exist), who are so incredible, that there is nothing more enjoyable in life that making them feel loved, appreciated, special, and sexy and seeing the look on their face when you do.
When you find one of these special women, and you live a life that allows you to feel strong, powerful, and free in the rest of your life, your greatest expression of freedom will be to spend time with her, making her feel as happy and loved and appreciated as possible because you’ll get to see that radiant smile of hers.
If you’re anything like most guys, you won’t want to devote all your time to curling up on the couch watching reruns of soppy movies and eating tubs of ice-cream, but there will definitely be time in your life where laughing and playing with her will be exactly what you want.
And when you live your life in a way that allows you to regularly experience that desire, then it will be the greatest expression of your freedom.
The ‘How To’ Part…
Now we get onto the important part: The ‘How to’?
How do you become free in the rest of your life? How do you break down the barriers and walls and become open, expressive, and free?
The first step in this is realising that regardless of what life you choose, whether it be holding back, doing what other people tell you, and not pursuing your goals or doing what you want, when you want to, with whoever you want, you’re already free.
If you’re living a boring, frustrating life that makes you feel trapped and restricted, then you’re using your freedom of choice to follow someone else’s life plan and not be free.
No-one makes you get up in the morning and go to a job you hate, you use your freedom to choose to get up and go to that job.
No-one makes you hang out with people you don’t really like, you use your freedom to choose to hang out with them.
No-one makes you hold back on what you really want to say, you use your freedom to choose to say what you think.
No-one makes you spend your free time doing activities that are less than rewarding and fulfilling, you choose to waste your time away.
You use your freedom to choose.
You choose to hold yourself back.
You choose to follow someone else dreams.
You choose to do what other people tell you to do.
You use your freedom to feel trapped and stuck.
This is important to realise because it frames the whole conversation around freedom.
Freedom isn’t something you have to earn or gain. It’s not a magical trait inherited by a lucky few. Freedom is a skill you already have.
Experiencing freedom in every area of your life isn’t something you need to add or gain, you just need to learn to use the freedom you already have in a way that makes you feel freer.
The skill in overcoming your fear of commitment isn’t learning to be free, it’s finding the courage to use your freedom in a new and different way.
Now, the fun part: How do you learn to make different decisions? How do you learn to use your freedom in a new way?
How do you learn to use your freedom to approach rather than to stand on the side line and watch?
How do you learn to use your freedom to express yourself rather than say what you think you’re supposed to say?
How do you learn to use your freedom to ask for her number rather than saying an awkward goodbye and walking off into the distance?
Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as one quick trick and then you’re off and running.
Shifting from using your freedom to be needy, dependent, nice, and polite, to using your freedom to be real, powerful, honest, and expressive takes self-awareness, and clarity around your deep desires, an understanding of the core mechanisms that drive your decisions, knowledge of how to shift these mechanisms, and a structured and practical plan to implement these changes.
If you have all these elements are confident you can apply them yourself, then that’s great.
The reason you’re afraid of commitment isn’t that the logical idea of commitment scares you. The reason you’re afraid of commitment is that you’re afraid of losing the limited freedom you currently have.
Because of that, the simple and easy way to overcome your fear of commitment is to learn to experience more and more freedom so that losing a little bit of your freedom isn’t such a scary thought.
The way you do that is to change the way you live your life so that you experience more freedom in every area.
– Get a job that’s an expression of your freedom.
– Make friends that expect you to be free.
– Take up hobbies that allow you to express who you are and what you really feel.
And once you’ve done this, then create a relationship that allows you to feel free.
– Choose a woman that also wants to be free
– Make sure she’s the kind of woman who you want to give freely to
– Give her what she needs to let you be free
If you can live your life in this way and experience the kind of freedom you’re looking for, then commitment won’t seem like a scary and daunting proposition.