Holy shit. I don’t know who came up with the idea that lying to everyone you know and pretending to be someone and something you’re not is a fast and easy way to build a great life, AND then managed to sell it to millions of people around the world, but I’d like them on my sales team!
Fake it till you make it is great for… Honestly, I’m not sure what it’s great for. But I’m sure there are some people who make great use of it.
But rather than spending years creating complex band-aids to cover over a deep-seeded issue and experiencing the constant disappointment that comes with having to fight against the same problems over and over again because you’ve never actually faced them, I prefer to actually deal with problems so they vanish for good.
The obvious question is: How?
How do you be confident? How do you stop being needy? How do you eliminate your anxiety? How do you stop letting fear rule your life?
Every different barrier has specifics that need to be covered and addressed but when transforming every single problem there are still the same three levels you need to work on.
So, to deal with the core issues and become strong and confident without needing to pretend to be someone you’re not, I present:
The Three Levels of Personal Transformation
Transforming your life and the barriers you’re facing doesn’t have to be complicated or hard.
There are simple and effective ways you can experience the fulfilment, satisfaction and freedom you want, without spending years trying to adopt someone else’s personality.
To make sure you experience the most change possible in the shortest amount of time, there are the three levels you must address when attempting to transform any barrier.
Level 1: The Core
The core level is the basic mechanism that creates the problem in the first place and is where you need to start if you want to see real and permanent change.
And in every situation, the core problem is the same: your Script.
Your Script is a three-part mechanism that’s responsible for every bit of anger, frustration, disappointment, loneliness, and powerlessness (as well as happiness, fulfilment, satisfaction, and freedom) that you experience in any area of your life.
The three parts of your Script are:
1. How do you feel?
2. How do you want to feel?
3. How are you trying to bridge the gap?
That’s it. Pure and simple. These three parts are at the core of every bit of dissatisfaction you experience and every barrier you face in any area of your life.
If you (1.) feel lonely, (2.) want to feel connected to people, and (3.) try to bridge the gap by pretending to be someone you’re not so that people will hang out with you, then the level of connection you experience will be determined by how effectively you can convince people that you’re someone you’re not and how deep the connections you make with people through pretending.
If you’re anything like most people, you’ll struggle to connect with the people you really want to connect with because the confident, strong, cool people you want to hang out with will see through your façade and not want to spend time with you.
And even when you do find people to hang out with, because your entire personality is based on being fake, the depth of connection will be so shallow that you won’t experience any real sense of connection.
You will be constantly stuck in your head trying to maintain the false façade and work out how to fit in with other people’s beliefs and experiencing the inevitable frustration that comes from not being able to please everyone.
Healing the core of your issues doesn’t involve getting better at your current Script (i.e. Getting better at convincing people to hang out with you)…
…it involves finding a new and more empowering Script.
If you (1.) feel lonely, (2.) want to feel connected to people, and (3.) try to bridge the gap by opening up and sharing yourself with like-minded people, then the level of connection you experience will be determined by how effectively you can find like-minded people and how deep the connections you can make through opening up.
Now, instead of having to try and convince people that you’re someone you’re not and be constantly stuck in your head trying to work out what they want from you, the barriers you face involve finding people who’re willing to open up with you and be real.
Your sense of connection and the amount of frustration are determined by how easily you can find those kinds of people.
Your Script is at play in every area of your life and works with any experience you’re looking for:
– Personal Empowerment
It’s all the same.
Healing the core of any area in your life involves finding the most effective Script possible.
So, the first step in personal transformation, becoming the Man you were born to be, and living a rich, rewarding, and fulfilling life, is changing your Script.
The 5 steps we use to change this core mechanism in our coaching process are:
1. Work out your current Script
2. Find an empowering Script
3. Discover what’s preventing you from living that Script
4. Develop a method to overcome those barriers
5. Implement this new Script
This is obviously a VERY brief overview of what’s going on underneath the layers, how it works, why you do this, and how this helps you become more attractive to women.
One of the most common questions guys ask at this point is:
“Why feelings and experiences? I’m a logical guy.”
The answer is simple: Because feelings are the basis of every decision. Every time you choose to do or not to do something in your life, it’s because you’re either moving towards an experience or away from one.
You might have a logical rationalisation for your decision but when you boil it all down to its core, it’s experiences that drive decisions. Logic is used to rationalise a decision, not make one.
NOTE: Logic is used in some decisions where there is no experiential justification but those decisions are few and far between.
If you want to see how feelings and experiences are driving your decisions, try this:
Write out a list of the last 10 decisions you’ve made today. They can be simple (what you ate for breakfast) or complex (where should I spend the next 6 months of my life), it doesn’t matter.
Then, go through each of those decisions and ask yourself: Why?
Then do it again. Then again. Then again.
Keep going until you’re going around in a circle then ask yourself: What did I want to experience?
Then try asking yourself why again.
There’s nowhere to go. Experiences and feelings are the only end in themselves. Everything else is a means to an end.
Level 2: Habits
It would be nice if you could just change the core and everything would flow.
For some lucky guys, it does. They find their new and empowering Script and everything falls into line. But, they’re few and far between.
For most guys, the process of change takes time and it takes effort.
The reason for this is that your old script is supported by the habits you live your life by.
If you’re used to trying to win people’s approval to feel connected then your life will be filled with people who only value external presentation, who only like you for the person you pretend to be, that you’re used to behaving a certain way around, and used to focussing on what they want you to do rather than the kind of Man you want to be.
And not only that, by the time you’ve reached the point where you’re ready to change, you will most likely have spent 5 / 10 / 20 / 40 years reinforcing these unproductive habits so they’re deeply wired into your brain.
To break these old habits and transform at a core level, you need to come up with new habits to replace the old ones and consciously implement them into your life.
If your life has been based around feeling powerful and in-control by getting validation and approval from other people, then there are going to be very specific life habits you’ve developed to support that.
Most likely, you will:
– Rely on other people for direction in your life rather than having a vision of the life you really want to create
– Be working a job that’s not intrinsically rewarding but looks good to other people
– Hang out with people who only value external appearances
– Have either superficial or non-existent relationships with women
– Focus on the negative elements in life rather than being a positive and proactive person
– Own lots of superficial but unnecessary objects
– Present a very screened and biased personality to the world
– Spend more time focussing on what you should do rather than what you want to do
(Not saying this is true for everyone, it’s just a common list of habits)
To transform your core, you need to change these habits.
If you don’t, all the self-awareness of your core barriers won’t make a difference to your life because you’re not supporting that new Script with action.
Here are some of the changes made through our coaching process:
– Develop a complete vision of an intrinsically rewarding life
– Make massive changes towards living that life (including finding a job that fits that vision)
– Eliminate people from your life who don’t match the vision you want to create and find people who do
– Build real and open relationships with women
– Take control of your focus and find positive ways to grow through every experience
– Eliminate unnecessary junk from your life
– Present your full and honest self to the world
– Dedicate time EVERY DAY to focussing on what you want, rather than what you should be doing
By developing new life habits and implementing them, you’ll be removing the foundation of your previous, unproductive Script and creating a new foundation to support your new Script.
Level 3: Practices
Whilst changing the habits you’ve formed throughout your life is an important step, in almost EVERY situation, there will be small, almost undetectable, remnants of your previous Script.
Developing and implementing new practices is a way of eliminating those remnants.
A ‘Practice’ is a specific action that you take in a very specific situation at a very specific time to help you eliminate the last remaining traces of how you used to live your life.
If your previous Script was feeling powerful through getting acceptance from people, you will have lots of life habits associated with that Script – not being in touch with your vision of an intrinsically rewarding life, not knowing what you really stand for, presenting a shallow and altered image of yourself to the world, etc…
But on top of those, there are going to be significant but very slight habits that exist only when you’re in moments of high arousal/stress – like when you’re talking to attractive women.
These moments are called ‘triggers’ and they’re the moments that activate unproductive habits.
Some of the micro-habits these triggers can set off are:
– Focussing on what other people could be thinking
– Trying to work out what you should be doing
– Selectively withholding or adding in information to create a false impression
– Logically analysing a situation rather than simply experiencing the moment
The way you combat these micro-habits is by developing specific actions and activities you can do in areas and situations where you know these habits still remain that support your new Script.
Here are some of the practices used throughout our coaching:
– Active meditation (taking action whilst staying present in your body)
– Focussing on feeling attraction for beautiful women and taking action whilst feeling attraction rather than logically analysing what you should be doing
– Revealing ALL information that you’re trying to withhold as soon as you notice yourself giving a false impression
– Consciously staying present on experience through triggers rather than allowing old habits of analysis to kick in
By developing a series of practices and implementing them when your triggers kick in, you’ll be able to eliminate the final traces of your unproductive Script and create a solid foundation to implement your new Script.
There are three levels you need to work on to create long-term and sustainable change:
1. The Core
By working on these three levels, you’ll be able to significantly increase the speed of your transformation and significantly reduce the chance of you slipping back into old habits.
4 thoughts on “How To Make It Without Faking It”
I’m the dude you tried to help via e-mail last month, but due to frustration, lack of time, or an impression of neediness/craziness… dropped it. This is one of your best articles. I’ve been taking action beyond what I thought possible lately. I’ve dropped notions of sensitivity, social anxiety, and introversion.
I’ve found myself talking more openly with family members, old friends, new ones, street preachers, homeless schizophrenics, phlebotomists at plasma donation centers… nearly everyone. Pushing my limits a good deal and I’m beginning to see how far I could go and more of my blind spots. Recently reapplied to the security position I once held when I was 21 at a local nightclub.
In short… I’m getting out of my head and into my life. I can see the effect it’s having on my loved ones and even my best friend’s 6 year old daughter, to whom I’ve been a second father and for whom I want be a protector and be there for in a better capacity in the future.
What kind of man do I want to be and what would he be doing right now?
Dude, that’s great to hear. Keep it up mate and remember, nothing changes till you take action.
Did you notice the last two links are broken?
Cheers mate, just fixed them up.