If you’ve been around LifeOS for any amount of time, you know the importance of being able to understand what a woman really wants before you approach and talk to women.
But HOW do you understand what women want? How do you read through their ever changing facades to see what’s really going on? Women can be confusing at best and completely contradictory at worst.
How can you tell the difference between when she says:
– “I hate you!” and means it
– “I hate you!” and wants you to come and wrap her up in your arms
– “I hate you!” and wants to play like you’re making out it’s real but you know it’s just her having fun
The answer is actually surprisingly simple: listen.
And no, not in the politely-nodding-your-head-whilst-staring-at-her-boobs-and-wondering-how-to-get-her-out-of-her-panties way you’ve been doing since you first discovered that the fairer sex was actually far nicer to touch than your inflatable sheep.
That’s not listening.
Your attention is a finite resource. If you’re using those limited resources to try and work out what other people are thinking about that new shirt you bought yesterday or how Alpha your body language looks to the cute blonde who just walked into the bar, then it’s not on the woman in front of you.
You’re not really listening because 100% of your attention isn’t on her.
Depending on which stats you listen to, somewhere between 80% and 96% of everything we communicate about ourselves is communicated non-verbally.
That means, if you’re just listening to the words a woman is using whilst scanning the crowd to work out who’s the highest value guy in the room, then you’ll only hear between 4% and 20% of what she’s really communicating.
If you’re just stuck in your head trying to work out what stage you’re in and what you need to do to transition to the next stage, you’re going to miss the moment when her body language shuts down whilst talking about her parents and you’re going to miss the excited expression on her face when you mention your adventure holiday to France.
It means you’re going to miss all the tiny little signals she’s giving you about who she really is, how she feels in this very moment, and what she really desires.
So, the obvious question is: “How do you stop missing all the non-verbal communication?”
How do you go from being logical, stuck in your head, and only noticing the words she’s using to being present, experiential, and feeling all the subtle changes she goes through, minute by minute?
The first step is knowing what women really wants starts with getting out of your own head and being more present. If you’re not in the present moment, you have no chance of noticing what’s happening in the present moment.
I wrote a big article about how to be more present here.
But, as I wrote in this article, being more present with women is just the first step.
The second step is changing what you’re doing once you’re more present. After all, being more present but using that presence to focus on the music in the bar or the flashing lights over the dance floor isn’t going to help.
To know what the beautiful woman standing in front of you really wants, you need to direct that presence to something that will help you understand her.
To do that, you need to change how you’re listening to her. More specifically, changing what you’re using to listen to her…
Let me explain:
I want you to watch through this beautiful movie clip below twice.
(It’s one of my favourite scenes from my favourite movies of all time – Meet Joe Black. It’s the part of the movie when the direct, focussed, driven Brad Pitt meets the shy, quiet Claire Folani for the first time in the coffee shop.)
The first time you watch it, I want you to listen with just your ears. Hit ‘play’ then close your eyes and listen to everything that’s said and done throughout the clip.
Do it now.
What do you notice? What do you know about Bradd Pitt? More importantly, what do you know about Claire Folani?
The second time you watch this clip, I want you to do something different.
When the clip starts, I want you to keep your eyes open and turn the sound off.
Instead of listening to the words with your ears, listen to the body language and facial expressions with your eyes.
Watch the way the smiles come and go, the concern and doubt come up, and then fade again, the way she opens up her body language, then closes down, and then opens up all over again.
Listen to everything she’s saying behind the words. Listen to everything she’s saying without words.
There’s so much more there than what she’s saying. There’s excitement, confusion, doubt, intrigue, concern, pain, joy, and everything in between.
And if you were just listening with your ears, you would have missed all of it.
This is the secret to understanding what women really want: Stop listening with your ears and start listening with your eyes.
Stop getting hung up on the words she’s using and start to take in everything that she’s communicating to you.
Listen to the way she looks away nervously when you talk about sex.
Listen to the way her body language opens up when you talk about helping other people find their own strength.
Listen to the way her eye contact changes when you share your pain from the past.
Listen to the way her body softens when you touch her hand.
Listen to everything she ways without words.
Now, obviously, I’m not suggesting that you block your ears and the words women are using and just listen with your eyes. There’s important information to be discovered through listening with your ears.
But if you ever want to really know what a woman is trying to tell you about who she is and what she really wants, it starts with listening with your eyes.
“So, how do I get better at this?”
Easy – practice.
This, just like anything else, is a skill. The more time you spend practising listening with your eyes, the easier it becomes.
Start out with a little meditation to get you centred. Then, once you’re centred and focussed, turn off the sound and start to listen with your eyes.
You can do in your loungeroom by watching through films and TV shows (if you’re going to do this, start with Meet Joe Black. It’s a beautiful film where most of what’s said is said in silence).
Or you can do this in the real world by using headphones or earplugs.
But whatever you do, practice, practice, practice.
If you want to really understand women and what they really want, this is a vital skill to have.