If you’ve been around LifeOS for any amount of time, you know the importance of being able to understand what a woman really wants before you approach and talk to women.
But HOW do you understand what women want? How do you read through their ever changing facades to see what’s really going on? Women can be confusing at best and completely contradictory at worst.
How can you tell the difference between when she says:
– “I hate you!” and means it
– “I hate you!” and wants you to come and wrap her up in your arms
– “I hate you!” and wants to play like you’re making out it’s real but you know it’s just her having fun
The answer is actually surprisingly simple: listen.
And no, not in the politely-nodding-your-head-whilst-staring-at-her-boobs-and-wondering-how-to-get-her-out-of-her-panties way you’ve been doing since you first discovered that the fairer sex was actually far nicer to touch than your inflatable sheep.
That’s not listening.
Your attention is a finite resource. If you’re using those limited resources to try and work out what other people are thinking about that new shirt you bought yesterday or how Alpha your body language looks to the cute blonde who just walked into the bar, then it’s not on the woman in front of you.
You’re not really listening because 100% of your attention isn’t on her.
Depending on which stats you listen to, somewhere between 80% and 96% of everything we communicate about ourselves is communicated non-verbally.
That means, if you’re just listening to the words a woman is using whilst scanning the crowd to work out who’s the highest value guy in the room, then you’ll only hear between 4% and 20% of what she’s really communicating.
If you’re just stuck in your head trying to work out what stage you’re in and what you need to do to transition to the next stage, you’re going to miss the moment when her body language shuts down whilst talking about her parents and you’re going to miss the excited expression on her face when you mention your adventure holiday to France.
It means you’re going to miss all the tiny little signals she’s giving you about who she really is, how she feels in this very moment, and what she really desires.
So, the obvious question is: “How do you stop missing all the non-verbal communication?”
How do you go from being logical, stuck in your head, and only noticing the words she’s using to being present, experiential, and feeling all the subtle changes she goes through, minute by minute?
The first step is knowing what women really wants starts with getting out of your own head and being more present. If you’re not in the present moment, you have no chance of noticing what’s happening in the present moment.
I wrote a big article about how to be more present here.
But, as I wrote in this article, being more present with women is just the first step.
The second step is changing what you’re doing once you’re more present. After all, being more present but using that presence to focus on the music in the bar or the flashing lights over the dance floor isn’t going to help.
To know what the beautiful woman standing in front of you really wants, you need to direct that presence to something that will help you understand her.
To do that, you need to change how you’re listening to her. More specifically, changing what you’re using to listen to her…
Let me explain:
I want you to watch through this beautiful movie clip below twice.
(It’s one of my favourite scenes from my favourite movies of all time – Meet Joe Black. It’s the part of the movie when the direct, focussed, driven Brad Pitt meets the shy, quiet Claire Folani for the first time in the coffee shop.)
The first time you watch it, I want you to listen with just your ears. Hit ‘play’ then close your eyes and listen to everything that’s said and done throughout the clip.
Do it now.
What do you notice? What do you know about Bradd Pitt? More importantly, what do you know about Claire Folani?
The second time you watch this clip, I want you to do something different.
When the clip starts, I want you to keep your eyes open and turn the sound off.
Instead of listening to the words with your ears, listen to the body language and facial expressions with your eyes.
Watch the way the smiles come and go, the concern and doubt come up, and then fade again, the way she opens up her body language, then closes down, and then opens up all over again.
Listen to everything she’s saying behind the words. Listen to everything she’s saying without words.
There’s so much more there than what she’s saying. There’s excitement, confusion, doubt, intrigue, concern, pain, joy, and everything in between.
And if you were just listening with your ears, you would have missed all of it.
This is the secret to understanding what women really want: Stop listening with your ears and start listening with your eyes.
Stop getting hung up on the words she’s using and start to take in everything that she’s communicating to you.
Listen to the way she looks away nervously when you talk about sex.
Listen to the way her body language opens up when you talk about helping other people find their own strength.
Listen to the way her eye contact changes when you share your pain from the past.
Listen to the way her body softens when you touch her hand.
Listen to everything she ways without words.
Now, obviously, I’m not suggesting that you block your ears and the words women are using and just listen with your eyes. There’s important information to be discovered through listening with your ears.
But if you ever want to really know what a woman is trying to tell you about who she is and what she really wants, it starts with listening with your eyes.
“So, how do I get better at this?”
Easy – practice.
This, just like anything else, is a skill. The more time you spend practising listening with your eyes, the easier it becomes.
Start out with a little meditation to get you centred. Then, once you’re centred and focussed, turn off the sound and start to listen with your eyes.
You can do in your loungeroom by watching through films and TV shows (if you’re going to do this, start with Meet Joe Black. It’s a beautiful film where most of what’s said is said in silence).
Or you can do this in the real world by using headphones or earplugs.
But whatever you do, practice, practice, practice.
If you want to really understand women and what they really want, this is a vital skill to have.
20 thoughts on “How to Read Her Mind”
That clip describes my relationship so well. I need to show it to the lady. It’s funny also because I discuss a lot of AI concepts with her which she agrees with, and adds her own philosophies which help me out.
What are you doing telling her you study this stuff?
This has got to be one of my fav articles, anything you write that has to do with communication is spot on, good stuff
Great article man.
I was kind of waiting for the car to hit JB when listening with my eyes closed. But that’s probably just me.
this is a fairly average movie if you ask me. Although the special scenes that are littered between certain parts of the movie really GLOW, for me.
This is a very thoughtful and inspiring quote and i am interested to see what Leigh will be doing in his future, say 5 YEARS time ????
Anyway, i watched it in silence and then in black and white, jokes. I LOVE this movie. the scene when he comes back into the room as the faceless devil is just too die for!! and the sex scene. its all great. peace niggers
There’s great communication between them.
The problem I see with this clip is that dude’s totally selling himself as a provider beta. Hes willing to give up what he wants for the woman he marries, to sacrifice his dreams, goals and ambitions to PROVIDE FOR A WOMAN!!? Weak sauce, man. Makes me sick to my stomach to think there’s millions of guys brainwashed by feminism who actually think&act like this in real life.
6:01 “I don’t want you to be my doctor… cos I like you so much”. Saying that at the end of the first date comes across as totally weak and needy. Why’s he not fucking her first to find out what she’s like in bed and what her personality is REALLY like. save all the goody-goody stuff for later when you actually know a person and can get a more realistic sense of what you feel for them. For all he knows, hes just crushing on this chick he’ll never see again. PATHETIC.
All woman have their inauthentic personality mask on until you first fuck them. Then you get real talk with the sex thing out of the way.
6:50 the way he’s being indecisive and pussies out of taking her number is WEAK.
Hollywood movies about relationships are so lame.
Very though-provoking article, man.
Thanks for the detailed reply. I’ve read over it a few times, just trying to get a handle on what you’re really saying. I disagree with just about everything you’ve written and I’m trying to work out the underlying mindset that’s at the core of the disagreement with it. I think I’ve finally worked it out:
“…that dude’s totally selling himself as a provider beta.”
I think that statement sums it up.
You’re working on the assumption here that he’s actually trying to sell himself. Like what he’s doing is some kind to series of tricks to convince her to sleep with him. Like he’s willing to compromise himself, just to get her. Like he’s trying to work out what she wants and morph into that to get her into bed.
I think that says more about your mindset that it does about his.
Because, from what I read into the video, he’s not trying to be anything or say anything, just to convince her that he’s someone he’s not. He’s saying what he wants, when he wants to, regardless of whether or not she agrees. And if you’re perceiving it in the opposite way, I would suggest that it’s being created more in your mind, through your beliefs about what’s necessary to attract women, than what’s actually happening in the video.
I could go on about other things you’ve said as well.
How if you believe that all women have masks until you sleep with them, it’s probably got a lot to do with the masks you’re putting up and therefore, only attracting women with similar masks, than with women in general.
How the difference between alpha and beta isn’t what you do, it’s why you do it. How wanting to provide for the special woman in your life is only beta if you do it because you think you’re supposed to, or because you think it’s the only way to stop women from leaving you. If you do it because that’s how you want to live your life then it’s totally alpha.
How real weakness isn’t not asking for her phone number, real weakness is hiding your real personality behind a series of rules designed to give people a false impression of who you really are and protect you from having to expose yourself and get hurt.
But that’s a far longer conversation than we should have here…
He’s a tip about men. It drives us crazy when you just tell us what’s on your mind instead of playing Jedi mind games about ever trivial facet of life.
There’s a reason why women have longer life spans… because men are the ones sentenced to having to listen to you yap endlessly about nothing… then insisting that we read your mind when it comes to something you actually care about.
We can only take so much and that’s why we check out of this life early.
Imagine a would where people just communicated with each other verbally instead of playing charades. You know what it would be like?
“Well I know but if you don’t know then I’m not going to tell you…”
Annoying isn’t it?
Try this trick… when it comes to pointless gossip about nothing… play charades and see if we can pick up on the esoteric message your trying to communicate to us with gestures, facial expressions and “vibes”.
When you have something IMPORTANT to say… just spit it out.
Otherwise, don’t get your panties in a bunch or get butthurt that we couldn’t read your mind. Even Brad Pitt can’t read minds… he was just acting like he could.
Great clip, very informative. Wow David, such anger, you should work on that first before anything else.
This is very inspiring, thanks. And I don’t mean the script, and I don’t mean their voices! What is inspiring is to look at the flood of information coming off her facial expressions and body. For example I can feel when her breathing gets shallow (3:39) or when her heart is impacted (many times, particularly 6:01). How do we integrate that information and use it, without having to think about it? Okay, you said it Leigh, practice.
…A few hours after watching this scene closely I had a deep conversation with an old friend and lover and I was sooo able to be present with her.
…After my best approaches I have often thought, “that was like a scene from a good movie”. A good cold approach is an improvisation which has the intensity, the uncertainty, and quiet excitement of a really good movie scene. Better actually because it is improvised and because (especially in daygame) there is no prearranged stage, no previously agreed-upon framework. The man who approaches is being lead actor, director and major screenwriter all at once.
Glad to hear this clicked with you. And I agree, there’s SO much in this scene that goes so far beyond the words they use.
The whole movie is like this. Well worth the watch.
thanks for your comments. i was in a pretty dark mood when i first wrote a comment up here about this movie. im looking forward to receiving more advice/updates from your website. its great.
Awesome to hear mate. Glad to know it’s working for you.
I didn’t like this article, you’re pretty much just telling us to pay more attention to her facial expressions.
I was expecting techniques on how to understand what she really means when she says certain things – ie like how a girl will change something and disguise it but mean something completely different. I thought there would be some practical advice on how to figure out when she is lying or doing something deceptive.
All this inner game stuff is fine and all, but sometimes it really lacks density and depth, sometimes the information density is so low it’s almost not worth reading an article for.
Sometimes we need to get down and dirty with the details in order to understand something using examples to demonstrate them. More detail oriented articles and more information density is something that I would suggest. Writing a whole article to tell people to pay attention to her facial expressions would have been put across in a somewhat more concise manner.
I have a situation, so there is this girl I’m interested in and every time where together she’s always on her phone talking to her friend or mom. I hate cutting her off when she’s on her phone but she gives me no choice. She gets mad at me in a weird way, when i stay away from her she gets even more upset at me, when i’m not around our friend says that she always so concerned with me but i notice her flirting with other guys and completely ignore me. So in other words, she ignore me when we’re alone but she hates it when i’m not around. I’m confused what is going?
She probably just likes the validation of having you around her.
I’d suggest you be direct about your intentions (tell her you like her or w.e), and if it’s not mutual, move on. Life’s too short to hang around waiting for people to acknowledge your existance.
This girl is your typical attention seeker, this is why she flirts with everyone and is concerned when you don’t give her much attention. These types of girls always want to keep their options opened.
I’d suggest this isn’t a relationship material girl, however, if you just want to fuck her and dump her after you’ve gotten sick of fucking her then there is a way to move things forward.
Do sexual escalation on her, say and do sexually suggestive things every few minutes… boring talk about general stuff isn’t going to turn her into a girlfriend. Do typical “seduction/game” techniques where possible but alway, and I mean ALWAYS do sexual escalation.
Also, do not say a work about how beautiful you think she is, do not compliment her on her looks EVER. Because when she finally fucks you, a part of the reason she sleeps with you would be for her to feel the validation. If she already knows you think she is super hot and amazing, she no longer needs or wants to sleep with you as much as before.
Remember, invite her to your place for drinks or dinner, and do sexual, confident non-needy escalation – whenever she resists, just smile and back off for a few moments (like 1 minute) and go in again… kiss her on the neck slowly, that will get her wet, etc.
There are a lot of different ways that you can learn about women. Understanding them, however, is something that takes some people a lifetime. If you’re going to pursue this knowledge, and you truly want to know how to deal with them, and understand how to navigate the different elements that make them who they are.
The first thing that you should do is simple, look at what they do. Consider where they go, what they do, and what is habitual for them. The more you know about this, the higher the chances are that you will understand why they do things.
Then you need to ask them pointed questions. Ask them why, in reference to what they are doing, and how they feel in certain situations.
One thing about women is that they change their minds a great deal, and one day they may shock you with a change. Don’t make reference to changing things up, instead, just pay attention to how the change occurs, and what it means overall.
Well written script but even if you write a whole thesis or book on us, you won’t be able to understand us.
Comment so educative.