How To Get Your Ex Back in 5 Simple Steps

The only thing more painful than living a life devoid of the deep connection of a passionate and committed relationship is tasting the sweet embrace and then having it ripped from your life, often accompanied by some meaningless platitudes about it not being you…

When that happens, you’re left with a hole and an even greater need to fill it. Some people turn to the warmth of friends, others, the excited, passionate lust of a stranger. But there’s very little that can fill that hole in the same way as the person who created it.

It can be done. Don’t listen to what other people say: you can bring them back into your life. It’s been done many times before and will be done many times again. You just have to know what you’re doing.

How To Get Your Ex Back in 5 Simple Steps

Straight off the bat, it’s important to understand that getting your ex back isn’t as simple as a quiet chat over two coffees and a slice of carrot cake in your favourite cafe. Getting your ex back is challenging, confronting, and will push you to your limits.

But, if you’re already the kind of person who’s comfortable with the foundations of the LifeOS philosophy and is ready to take control of your life, then I’m guessing you’re probably willing to push through with this one.

Step 1. Work out what kind of person your ex is attracted to

To get your ex back, they need to be attracted to you; that’s pretty obvious. So, the first step in getting your ex back is to work out what kind of person they’re actually attracted to.

Different kinds of people are attracted to different kinds of people at different times in their lives. So, what kind of person is your ex into? They were obviously into the kind of person you were when you met so who are they into now?

There are a few different ways you can do this:

1. Ask them

They may or may not be willing to talk to you but if you approach it gently and from the right place, they might open up. If they’re still interested in making this work, then they’ll definitely be keen to point you in the right direction.

2. Look at the people they’re seeing now

If they won’t tell you, let their actions tell you. What kind of people are they seeing now? A little social media stalking is usually the easiest way to do it, but if that fails, check in with any of their friends you’re still on speaking terms with. Failing that, head to a few venues you know they liked to frequent and accidentally bump into them. Yes, a little stalker-ish, but it’s for a good cause.

3. Think back over everything you did that turned them on

This one is a little easier than the others: what did you do that really turned them on? Not ‘Oh, that was lovely, thanks’, more of the ‘take me home, now. I’m ready’ kind of turn-on. What really pushed their buttons and got them worked up?

This will tell you more about their core desires than who they’re dating or what their friends tell you because it’s what actually produced the results. Regardless of what they think they want, this will tell you what they actually want.

Step 2. Work out if being that kind of person you want to be

Once you know what kind of person your ex is now attracted to, the next step in this process is working out if you want to be that kind of person. Are you willing to be that person? Is that something you’re driven to be? This could be the motivation you need to become the kind of person you’ve always dreamed of. But then again, it might not.

So, and this is an important question: do you want to be the kind of person they’re attracted to? Would you be happy if you lived that life?

The easy way to answer this question is: if you changed yourself to be the kind of person your ex is now attracted to and they decided not to be with you, would you still find that life rewarding and fulfilling?

If the answer is yes, then continue. If the answer is no, then it’s time to move on.

Step 3. Come up with a plan to become that person

Step one and two were all about identifying an endpoint. But getting to that endpoint by shooting in the dark will take you a long time. You need a plan. And a good one. It needs to cover the step by step process of personal transformation and help you negotiate the journey.

Don’t waste your time trying to include contingencies for every possible issue as the journey will be round about and up and down with many adventures you couldn’t possibly anticipate, but it will need to include a basic outline of the steps you’re going to take and the order you’ll take them in.

Step 4. Clear the slate

Now that you know where you’re going and how you’re getting there, it’s time to bring your ex in on it as well. Organise to meet them and lay it all out on the table. Tell them:

  1. That you take responsibility
  2. Where you went wrong
  3. That you still want to be with them
  4. What you’ve decided to do about it
  5. How you’re going to achieve that

Lay it all out there so they know what’s going on. It may be too late. They may have already moved on in their head and not want to give it a crack. It’s fine if they do – you’ve already decided that you want to become this new kind of person regardless of whether they want to be with you – so just let them know it’s happening. Just put them on notice so they know what’s happening.

Step 5. Ruthlessly and fully live that plan

This is the most important step. If you do everything else but don’t so this one, nothing will change.

Knowing what kind of person they’re attracted to is great. Having a plan to become that kind of person is even better. Telling her your plan is very beneficial. But there’s no way you will ever get your ex back unless you live this plan in every moment. Not just when you feel like it, not just when you think someone is watching, not just when you think the time is right — you have to live it all the time.

You have to live it right from the first second you wake up to the last second before you go to bed.

This is for three very good reasons:

1. Continual reinforcement

The patterns you’ve been living that were responsible for your ex leaving you are deep and automatic and probably have years of reinforcement behind them. It’s going to take conscious and continual dedication to transform them.

Not just a day, not just a week, but long-term commitment – probably for the number of years you’ve been practising the old patterns for.

2. It’s the way out of the hole

Getting your ex back is actually harder than attracting a new woman.

When you meet a new woman, you’re starting with a clear slate. You’re automatically at neutral and you can go either way. When you try and get your ex back, you’re starting at a deficit. The one area where you’re specifically in deficit in is trust. She thought you were the kind of Man she wanted to be with, you showed her so much potential, and then you let her down.

You need to live your plan fully in every moment, even when you think she’s not looking, to show her that she can trust you again. You need to show her that you’re the kind of Man she can rely on through thick and thin to be that strong dependable rock for her. This will only happen when you’re able to live your life fully, freely, and openly in every moment.

I’m not going to try and pretend that this is simple. It takes dedication, commitment, focus, and planning. But, and I can guarantee you of this, this will be the most incredible journey you have EVER been on.


Yes, it is possible to get your ex back. You can have her once again.

It just takes 5 simple steps:

Step 1: Work out what kind of person they’re attracted to
Step 2: Decide if you want to be that kind of person
Step 3: Create an action plan to become that person
Step 4: Clear the slate
Step 5: Live you plan

It’s not going to be easy and it’s not going to be fast, but if you’re committed and dedicated, you can make this happen.

28 thoughts on “How To Get Your Ex Back in 5 Simple Steps”

  1. Interesting post, Leigh.

    There is something about it, however, that feels a bit off for me. When I stop for a moment and reflect on this “off” feeling, I recognize that for me the idea of attempting, actively, to “get” back an ex is not as appealing as simply moving on and meeting new women.

    Don’t get me wrong, I like the intentional nature of the aspiration of the goal! It’s a beautiful vision.

    But…Having taken so many actions in my life to work towards becoming the man of my dreams, to living my truth, to working out what kind of world I want to feel and experience, I’ve reached a point where the women of my past, no longer appeal to me in the same way because I recognize that I was attracted to them because of something unfulfilled within me. Neediness attracted neediness.

    I can, at this point, see all sorts of “red flags” about the kinds of relationships (especially with women) that I was attracting in my life. I never noticed these “flags” when I was with those women, or when I was meeting them like I can now.

    Basically, I guess what I’m saying is that in my experience, putting in the work to transform my life has shifted what it is I value and find attractive in women.

    I guess what is uneasy for me is the sheer idea that getting an ex back is possible because its not so much wanting an ex back as it is wanting an experience, or feeling back and associating that feeling with that person.

    In the work it will take to transform one’s life in the way you’ve described above, at least in my case, I have developed both the power and the courage and the self-kindness to give myself the feelings I want through any number of pathways. I do not need her or any one person’s acceptance or even connection. This is not to say I do not WANT said connections, just that I do not NEED those connections.

    I guess what I’m saying is that in the process of transformation, if the end point is a relationship with someone in particular, is there a risk of changing FOR someone else? And I know you caution that every change you make must be for you and not for her, it seems that THAT orientation itself is kind of awareness and clarity that can only come AFTER the work is done, not prior to. At least that’s how it worked for me, in my experience.

    It seems the real “work” of the above suggestions is to willingness and honesty to ACCEPT whoever you may become, including the possibility that transforming yourself may mean no longer desiring to be in a relationship with one’s ex.

    If what is most appealing and attractive is just “doing you” Hank Moody style, then isn’t there a sense that there is really no one else, not even an ex, that confirm your sense of having arrived at the “endpoint” of an experience…?

    • I couldn’t agree more my friend, but everyone’s journey of becoming the Man of your dreams has to start at one point and if it’s ‘trying to get your ex back’, then so be it.

      • so this is for the case of “what i want”? it means that, the urges i wanted her will totally dissolve or might be come obsessed? it might be i want, and then unwanted her to find myself once i drive to this, right?

    • Editor Note: I realise this is a spam comment from some scammer, but it was just so good and so detailed that I wanted to share it with the world and publish it. Enjoy, and good luck! 🙂


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  2. Once again I can’t believe you talk about someone acctually changing there core nature as if they were changing shoes. I have no trouble believing people can change things and behaviors about themselves but to actually there true self! Even if it were possible who would do such a thing?

    • I would (and am currently doing). Most guys who read the forum would. Most guys who read this blog would.

      I can’t believe you haven’t taken up my offer of chatting over skype yet, to be honest.

      But it’s your call…

  3. Dear Logun, I would like an “out-of-box” opinion from you.

    I had a long distance relationship with an American girl (I’m Italian), which ended last February. Now I am dating other girls, but I think I am still in love with her.

    For getting her back, I tried every PUA strategy: after the “famous” silence period, I sent her friendly messages on Facebook, pretending to be the alpha male. And, as a good alpha male, I also posted pictures with other women and so on…

    Yes, she always replied, but it seemed nothing was able to take her passion back.

    One day, however, we had a conversation via phone. I played the alpha male behaviour: even though she was very quiet and not participative, my tone was strong, happy and I was the first one to end the call.
    The next day, she wrote me an email, saying I was self-serving and arrogant during the call and that I didn’t let her talk. My reply was a sort of “alpha reply”: I underestimated her point of view and kept things light and playful.

    After 15 days, even if in love with another man, she wrote another message about the phone call, and she seemed angrier.
    I replied with an approach that was not an “alpha” approach: I was basically sincere and told her I had good intentions and she was exaggerating.

    After my last reply, she received a DVD I created for her, a DVD telling all our love story (in an interesting, sexy manner, not in a needy one).

    The girl didn’t reply: she didn’t reply to my last message about the phone call and she didn’t write a thank you message for the DVD.

    Do you know what PUAs told me?
    That my mistake was not using the alpha male behaviour in my second reply to the phone-call topic: in their opinion, she was interested during my alpha phase end lost interest as soon as I replied in an instinctive manner and as soon as she received a “romantic” DVD.

    What’s your opinion?

    • My friend, to be honest, there could be 1000 different reasons that she didn’t reply. But all of them point to the one, same issue: she’s just not interested in you.

      That tells me that she’s not getting what she was looking for from you any more, that you’re not making her feel the way she wants to feel. You’re either too stuck in your head pretending to be someone you’re not to notice what she really needs or you’re being too wimpy and needy and wrapped up in your own pain and unresolved issues. Either way, she’s not getting what she wants out of the deal so she’s cut you off.

      How do you flip this around? You need to find out what she’s looking for and be the kind of Man that can give it to her without needing anything in return. And then, whilst you’re doing that, you need to prove that this isn’t some kind of trick you’re using to get her bad. You need to prove that this is really you.

      When you can do that, it’ll all be gravy.

      Have you read Endgame yet? This is at the core of the book and if you really want to understand what’s going on, it’s definitely worth while. It explains what women are looking for and how to give it to them without trying.

      I’m sorry I can’t give you more detail but it’s hard without actually being there to see the way you were interacting with her and hear what she’s actually looking for.

      • I want to say a big thank you to you. Thank you for your reply. Very very much. You know what?
        I became her man thanks to a natural behaviour (the one you say is the best): I was just myself, and she thought I was confident, sexy, interesting… in a lot of situations, she let me know that she had never met anyone like me, that I was her handsome prince and her corsair at the same time, the only one who had ever generated such strong emotions in her. And our story ended because of distance. I am from Italy, she is from USA: her passion ended because our only contact was via email. Mail after mail, things became boring. I don’t want to study the man she has now: first, because, for her, I was perfect and I don’t want to be different from the man she fell in love with some months ago; then, I don’t have the possibility to study him. I am a little surprised: you think that a man should be what he really is; so, why, when it comes to get an ex back, do you suggest to become another man?
        As for the first observation, it’s also possible that she doesn’t reply because she can’t handle her emotions. At the beginning, when I presented myself as a sort of friend, she was happy to hear from me; then, after our call or after watching my video, something changed: did she realize that some emotions towards me were still alive and decided not to reply because of her new boyfriend? Did she reject me more than before? Who knows. A lot of persons think that, if she met me in the flesh again, she would still feel attracted to me. Thank you again and keep the good work. Greetings from Italy!

        • Great question, and there in lies the trap. I don’t think you should become another Man. I know that when you become the kind of Man you’ve always dreamed of being, you’ll be able to be present with her, notice how she’s feeling, and give her the support, strength, excitement and happiness that she desires because you’ll have it in your life.

          But if you’re just pretending, faking, messing with her head, and being someone you’re not to try and get her to like you, you’ll never be able to give her what she wants because you’ll have nothing to give.

          So, how do you need to live your life to be strong, confident, powerful, challenging, and exciting?

          • When I “conquered” her, I was perfectly natural, and I didn’t know PUA principles.
            When she broke up because of our distance, I started reading “How to get her back” manuals, that are full of PUA principles.
            Sorry, Logun, I was not very clear. I read your post about getting an ex back, and, in it, it seemed you encouraged the opposite of what you normally say in other posts: in fact, you suggest to understand and study what man she wants after the break up, that is different than being natural. If I conquered that woman, shouldn’t I study the behaviour I had before, when she was very in love with me, rather than studying the man she is with now?

  4. The ex-girlfriends all live in small towns so it’s difficult not keep running into them at community events, church, the local restaurant or taking a walk close to town. Since they aren’t
    living in big cities, every thing is on a smaller scale. Most are divorced
    and haven’t remarried..

  5. A lot of replies I am seeing on here run the same current so I just want to point something out.

    Wanting to get your ex back means you still have feelings for or are drawn to something about her. Obviously you will not want to get every ex back, especially if you are the one that cut things off.

    But for the ones that you do want back, ask yourself why. Figure out what you would need to change to get her back. Are those things that would make you a better man anyway? are they things that would make you like *yourself* more and feel happier? Then do those things, regardless whether you actually want to/try to get her back or not.

    This article isn’t really about getting an ex back. It’s about growing into the person you want to be, or changing bad behaviors, so that you can live a happy and fulfilling life in all aspects. The end of one thing can be the beginning of something great, even if that thing is just change.

    Either way, reflecting and changing the things you need to will make you more successful in your NEXT relationship.

  6. My boyfriend and I have been getting into little arguments which then later escalated. A lot of which are my fault but I never thought I would lose him because we are in love. He told me yesterday that he loves me but is done. That the fights keep hurting him too much.
    I can’t believe I hurt him like that and would love nothing more than another chance to prove to him and myself that I will cut out my insecurities that I’ve brought into this relationship. I did all i could to end this fight between us us, didn’t work so i had to seek the help of a spell caster who i met online and promised to help me bring him back into my life in 5 days time. i wasn’t really sure about this, but i was really desperate that i had to do all that that the spell caster asked me. it was on the fiftieth day at 3pm on friday, i had a knock on the door and to my greatest surprise, it was my boyfriend, the first thing he said was that he has forgiven me and he will never leave me again, ever.
    Am so full of joy for what this spell caster have done for me, that i want the world to benefit from this. if you need her help you can reach her on (ANNASHELLY42@GMAIL.COM) for any thing on relationship or anything you can think of for she is very powerful and so real.

  7. Hi, i still have feelings for my ex but she has a new boy and when i ask her what i did, she just sayed nuthing but when i insisted she said that she wasn’t feeling our relationship. We sometime meet on the road and we act like everything is okey after some suprise meeting on the road one day she texted me and i replied back and after 1hr of conversation she told me abot her new boyfriend and told me that he is too young and he was just a Family friend but i dint care that much about her coz i knew she was lying but the disturbing part is that, there was this party we met with her and we hooked up she told me that when we met her feelings for me comes live that she feels in love with me but then she wants me to move on coz she love the new boyfriend making me be confused. Pleas advice me on what to do coz i want her back , pliz tel me how . I will highly apreciate it , thanks in advance.

  8. I need your help to bringing back my ex. It says you can guarantee your work and help with bringing her back and making things stronger than ever.

  9. Just like how the bright stars light up a dark night sky,
    the memories of our friendship are the twinkles in my
    life. Good night.

  10. Hope you are doing well.

    What do you think about my friend’s problem?

    I told him to maintain no contact for sometime 3 weeks, heal and then try one more time ie one last time All people do mistakes have bad habits or flaws are imperfect We should just let go of that person They were so much in love he still has strong feelings for her Should break up mean end of their awesomeness real stuff together?

    Please advice in the following problem

    In April my friend met someone through a common friend in Calcutta. He works in a law firm in Bangalore and she works in Calcutta. Now for work purpose he travels to Calcutta quite often.They became very good friends. They used to talk regularly over phone. Now They are a couple. They are getting close. They have talked a lot and they have shared a lot. The problem lies herein ie they have overshared. She knows about his past and he about her. She knows about his ex girlfriends (ie 2) and his female friends. It was a big mistake on my friend’s behalf to share so much with her. She has real doubts, fears and apprehensions about him. She told my friend that she strongly loves him but doubts him that he cannot and does not love her in the same manner as the guy had serious relationships before. Unlike the guy she had one serious boyfriend. She feels like 2nd rated version as she is not her first girlfriend (she did not said this but meant this).

    She is very insecured and cannot believe the guy though in real life she is quite confident. They do have good chemistry and compatibility and she has many fine qualities. Yes it is still very early.

    She gets agitated and annoyed quite often. They quarrel a lot. I am confused as I have met her she is a really nice intelligent classy person. And more importantly the guy and the girl has really good chemistry and compatibility and they really look good together. They seem to be a very good match until this problem arose. I would have told my friend to get out of this relationship soon but both are really cool and nice persons. I told him to try for few months and then decide as it is his life. What is love without acceptance, trust, belief and faith. How can A love B without believing in her/him and accepting their past?

    She was being very tensed over moody and she wanted space and now they broke up

    He told me he did not want to break up but she had been too moody and unhappy. He had overshared out of emotions excitement and in unplanned way. He regrets sharing those with her but he is as serious about her as she is about him.

    Main problems were he overshared he is not a virgin but she is!

    then after they met in the same city calcutta he went back to his city Bangalore in the same country for work and she went to Thailand with family for trip. Things became worse from there. He did not understand the exact problem and called her /emailed her more than usual in order to be caring and save the relationship although she was pulling away. on 18th july she called her up after 3 days of silence and requested him for the 3rd time to give her time and space. He broke up with her professing his love politely yet strongly

    So this is a Short term relationship or an ultra short term relationship so no contact would be different?

    They are from the same home city though work in different cities He shall be going back to home city for some work in September and October.

    some advice please?

  11. Reconnect with a text: Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder—but other times, it causes that heart to seek out another man. Bottom line: Don’t call first. “Try sending a sweet text, not one that will make her think you’re looking for a booty call,” says dating expert Julie Spira. “Think about something that you shared together that might warm her heart.” Example: Was listening to the radio and heard that Coldplay song. Brought back memories of the concert together. Hope you’re doing great. If she responds, she may be open to rekindling the spark. And if she responds with an “Ew, WTF,” proceed to step two.

  12. I had relationship struggles in the past which led to the divorce with my first and truly loving husband. I had a chance to re-marry but it turned out the guy was only after my money and never loved me so i had to leave him. I stayed for another one year been unmarried and a single mother. Honestly I wasn’t really happy always coz there were times i saw my first husband’s photo and i realized how much i love him and missed him. I tried to get to him back but later found out he’d moved to Spain. I later came across a magazine on how spell casters do love spells to restore marriages i got Dr Philip’s email {drphilipspelltemple@gmail. com} and i ordered a love spell which to my greatest surprise brought first husband back into my arms. I just can’t stop thanking this spell caster.

  13. All of these stories some successful some not, at one time or another involved a ring. I myself am about to pop the question and don’t know owner whether or not to go the custom or generic ring route. So far this is what I’ve found which seems to be the best place to buy loose diamonds. Any suggestions? Thankyou

  14. Through accepting that it’s over. when my ex broke up with me, I didn’t know what to say. in reality, I didn’t assume there was something to mention because I wasn’t approximately to barter. what is there to barter when he says: “I don’t need to peer you anymore”? So I grabbed my things, left and in no way regarded lower back. Of route, I cried but there wasn’t whatever I could do but accept that it became a performed deal and flow on.

    were given into scientific faculty a few months later, moved to a brand new state to start school and loved my new life. every once in a while i’d get his emails but I by no means study them…till one email issue line said: You’re invited to OUR housewarming birthday party (he had moved in with a brand new girl). That resulted in an automatic shut down of that e-mail account LOL!

    Then some months later, I returned to my domestic nation for Thanksgiving (that is wherein he lived too). I used to be strolling my parents’ dog at a park and lo and behold there he turned into strolling. I noticed him first so I ran the alternative direction however he noticed me and ran after me. He becomes a runner and that I wasn’t so it changed into not possible to outrun him mainly with a giant lab pulling the opposite route. I didn’t even know why I was going for walks away. He asked if he should buy me coffee and I stated no thank you, I have to take the dog domestic. He gave me his variety and requested me to call him. I did not name (without a doubt I threw away the range as quickly as I got home) and went again to high school some days later.

    Over Christmas damage (this was over a yr after the breakup), I used to be out with friends in my domestic nation again and bumped into him at a party. I instructed him we were cool and that I used to be sorry for walking away from him on the park and to say that I had no hard emotions. He requested if he ought to purchase me espresso whilst I used to be domestic from school so I agreed. day after today we went for espresso and we spent all day collectively. He becomes an outstanding inquisitive about hearing extra approximate school. Then he asked if he should take me out on NYE. I told him I already had plans however he’s greater than welcome to ask the mutual friends ’purpose I didn’t have plans with them.

    On NYE, he called a chum and were given my number. He requested me to spend NYE with him and desired to recognize if I used to be open to getting back together. I stated I’d think about it after which heard a knock on my door. He became standing outdoor along with his cellphone. seemingly, he requested a mutual buddy to test and see once I’d be domestic. We talked and I told him to present me per week to consider it, however, I had to leave to satisfy my NYE date. That becomes a little over sixteen years ago and we’re celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary next week.

    In this suggestion, I have written thoughts from me on what to do about reconciling along with your ex, but you could use better expert pointers from dating specialists to get your ex back.

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  15. my best friends has betrayed my trust, she told my husband lies and blackmailed me to my husband, I got devastated and couldn’t imagine my very own friend wanted to break my family apart out of jealousy.

  16. I want all my kids to come from one man I love and care about, I would anything to protect my family, My kids are happy to see their father back to the house.

  17. I was having some misunderstanding with my husband and it was tearing our marriage apart to the extend my husband do not come home anymore and he was seeking for a divorce.


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