Do you know what’s better than being able to conjure up positive thoughts when facing life’s challenges and battles? Not thinking anything at all. Just being able to ‘be’ with the moment, enjoy it, take on the challenge, and get everything you can from it.
I was working with a personal client the other day and our discussions drifted onto being able to just ‘be’ in a situation without getting stuck in your head analysing the situation and worrying about what other people are thinking. I wrote out a (not so) little ‘how to’ guide and he loved it so much that I’m sharing it with you today. (After writing out the 6 steps in order, I can now see why so many guys don’t get the results they want – if you miss one, the next one won’t work).
So, to make sure you can flow effortlessly and easily with women, I present:
How To Get Out Of Your Head And Stay Out
Getting out of your head is an INCREDIBLY important skill that will transform every part of your interactions with women.
- Flow easier in conversation (because you’ll actually be listening to what she’s saying rather than trying to present your cool side)
- Be able to read your subconscious signals (because you’re actually paying attention rather than trying to come up with impressive stuff to talk about)
- Be able to form deeper connections (because you’ll be far more open to sharing and not holding anything back)
- Close easier (because you won’t be caught up trying to be impressive and you’ll just state what you want to happen next)
- And most importantly, you’ll feel more confident (because you won’t be stuck in your head worrying about what other people are thinking of you)
So, to help you achieve all this and more, I’ve put together a (not so) quick 5 step guide that covers everything from the ground up. NOTE: This is a 5 step guide with each step being as important as the next. If you feel you understand and are comfortable with a particular stage, just move onto the next one.
So, let’s get into it:
Step 1. Understand
To kick this guide off on a positive note, I have some bad news for you: Trying to get out of your head is a waste of time. Why? It’s very obvious when you think about it. If I told you ‘Don’t think about the pink elephant’, what’s the first thing you’re going to do?Think about the pink elephant. The same thing goes for getting out of your head.If I told you ‘Don’t be in your head’, what’s the first thing you’re going to do? Start thinking about how to not be in your head (which is only going to get you more in your head).
The art of getting out of your head is to stop focussing on what you shouldn’t be doing (which is still just focussing on the specific thing that you shouldn’t be doing) and start focussing on where you need to be.
This raises an important question: where do you need to be? There’s a bunch of neuroscience behind this answer but to simplify the whole explanation down, it’s: In your body. The opposite of analysing the present moment and projecting the past into the future is experiencing the present moment. It’s FEELING the moment rather than trying to deconstruct the moment.
So, the first step in getting out of your head isn’t asking the question ‘How do I get out of my head?’ it’s focussing on ‘How do I experience the moment?’
Step 2. Remove the cause
Now that you understand that this is all about getting into your body rather than getting out of your head, it’s time to start the process of doing that.
The first step is eliminating the underlying cause for you being in your head in the first place. That raises a good question: Why are you in your head? The answer is simple: you think you need to be. There’s something about what you’re trying to achieve and how you’re trying to achieve it that means you analyse and think your way through situations rather than just experiencing them.
That raises another good question: What are you trying to achieve and how are you trying to experience it? I can’t answer the first part of the question but the second is easy: You’re trying to be someone you’re not and you’re trying to hide your natural personality, reactions, instincts and habits. In short, you’re trying to be someone you’re not.
If you weren’t trying to fit other people’s standards and perceptions and present a false facade, then you wouldn’t care what they think about you and you wouldn’t be in your head analysing the situation. You’d just be in the moment, feeling and experiencing and living your life on your terms doing what you love.
Step 3. Make Your Body Feel Nice
If you’re used to analysing and judging the world around you rather than staying with your experience, you’re going to have to put some hard yards into making that switch. And whilst it’s always going to require work and effort, there are things you can do to make this process easier on yourself. Most of these fall into the category of: Make your body feel nice.
If you have a pounding headache, feel like mice are crawling out of your nose, are hungover, or feel tense and tight, then being in your body isn’t a pleasant experience. As it’s not a pleasant experience, it then becomes much harder to stay in your body and out of your head. On the other hand, if you feel relaxed, strong, loose, and happy, it’s FAR easier to stay in your body because it’s a pleasant experience.
So, to help you eliminate this roadblock and make your journey of getting out of your head easier and simple, here are 4 things you can do right now to make your body feel nice:
3.1 Drink Water
Here is a list of symptoms of dehydration that can be relieved by drinking adequate amounts of water: headaches, tiredness, irritability, lethargy, muscle cramps, lack of concentration, and much, much more.
If you’re new to the skill of staying in your body, any one of these could be enough to make staying in your body extremely difficult.
I HIGHLY recommend starting your day with at least a litre of water and carrying a water bottle with you everywhere you go.
If you’re thirsty, you’re already slightly dehydrated so make sure you’re constantly sipping on it.
3.2 Eat well
Food is the fuel of your body – if you eat like shit, you’ll run like shit. If you run like shit, you’ll feel like shit. All those things your mum told you to eat when you were a kid – eat them. The green leafy things and the acidic brightly coloured fleshy things, put them in your mouth. There are so many nutrients in them that are vital for not only feeling nice, but actually operating anywhere near your full capacity that I couldn’t list them all here.
If you’ve grown up with junk food and don’t know where to look to start, I highly recommend the Paleo Diet. I started it in January 2012 and over the last 6 months, I’ve had more energy than I’ve ever had in my entire life. Given that I’ve played sports my entire life and always looked after my diet, this is a big thing.
3.3 Exercise (Regularly)
When you exercise, your body produces all kinds of funny love chemicals that make you feel good.
You also look good naked. I wrote a big post about it here: 20 ways lifting weights will transform your life
A good stretch session can feel better than sex. Seriously. And no, I’m not doing it wrong. When your body feels tight and restricted, it’s very easy to mistake that physical tension for psychological tension and take it out on external things (like people). When you stretch, all that tension goes away and that’s one less thing you have to deal with.
If you want to combine it with exercise at the same time, try Yoga. I do it at least a couple of times a week and always feel great afterwards.
I wrote a post about it here: An alternative to Meditation
Step 4. Develop new habits
Sometimes, with some guys, when you eliminate the core reason they’re stuck in their head, everything else just falls into place and they can start experiencing the present moment with ease. Unfortunately, most of the time this isn’t the case. If you’ve been practising the skill of analysing the present moment and being stuck in your head for a few months or even years (which is much more likely with most guys), then it takes time and work to deal with it.
So, let’s start this now.
The one thing to keep in mind when trying to get into your body is that being in your body is a skill – just in the same way that being stuck in your head is a skill. Just like any other skill, the more time you spend practising that skill, the more automatic it becomes and the simpler it becomes to use it. If you find it very easy to be stuck in your head and very automatic to be stuck in your head, it means you’ve been practising for long enough to make it automatic and easy.
The way you make it easier to get into and stay in your body is to practice, practice, and practice. Eventually, with enough practice, it will become more natural and effortless. Once again, that raises an obvious question: what do you need to practice?
There are two core skills required for getting into your body:
- Being able to consciously choose where you direct your attention
- Directing your attention to your physical experience
If you can’t consciously choose where you direct your attention, then it won’t matter if you can focus it onto your physical experience because as soon as you do, your attention will wander off onto something else (if you’re reading this, it will most likely be your logical analysis of the present moment).
If you can consciously direct your attention but can’t focus it on your physical experience, then you’re just going to be as stuck in your head as you were before you learned to consciously direct your attention.
Here are three steps to get you started on this:
4.1 Meditate first thing in the morning
Meditation is the single most effective tool for getting out of your head and into your body. Why? Because if teaches you both of the two skills necessary to get more into your body: consciously directing your attention and directing it onto your experience of life. I’m sure that anyone who’s meditated regularly for any amount of time (including me) will be able to tell you the incredible benefits they received from it.
The timing of your meditation is also very important. Consciously directing your attention to your experience of life is a skill. The more you practice it, the better you get at it. Also, when you practice it, that skill carries over into the rest of your life.
- If you start your day analysing, thinking, and deconstructing, then you’re most likely going to carry that mindset through the day and into the night.
- If you start the day just feeling and experiencing the moment, you’re going to carry that throughout your day (to a certain extent – this is explained below).
This is why it’s important to start your day with meditation. It will give you that solid base to start your day from and to carry it over into your life. It doesn’t have to be long – 15 minutes is more than enough for most beginners – but doing it will give you such a massive boost towards being able to stay present in your body that it’s vital that you do it.
If you haven’t meditated before and don’t know where to start, try out our focus control challenge. It’ll give you a simple, easy, and effective guided meditation, tips on how to overcome the most common challenges, and the support of a community of people also going on this journey.
4.2 Practice that focus throughout the day
Spending the first 15 minutes of your day consciously directing your attention on your experience of the present moment is a very powerful platform but if the minute you finish your meditation, you turn the TV on, start listening to the radio, and open 11 tabs on your internet browser, then it’s all going to be a waste. Why? Because the more you practice a skill, the more natural and easy it becomes.
If you spend 15 minutes practising the skill of consciously and purposefully directing your attention onto your experience of the moment and then every waking moment from that point on, allowing yourself to be distracted by 3000 different things happening around you, which skill do you think you’re going to be better at: focussing on experience or just following old, unproductive habits?
In order to get better at being in your body, you need to practice it consciously and conscientiously throughout your entire day.
Here are a couple of ways you can do that:
4.2.1. Stop Unnecessary Analysis
Whenever you don’t need to be analysing a situation (which I’m positive you’ll find is FAR less than you actually think it is when you start trying this), then don’t. Whenever you’re just sitting or you’re doing menial tasks that don’t require analysis (like washing the dishes, walking familiar routes, cooking familiar dishes), then focus on how you feel.
If you struggle with this, upload your guided meditation onto your MP3 player and listen to it whilst you’re doing these menial tasks.
4.2.2 Put your phone on silent
Mobile phones are an amazing source of distraction. ESPECIALLY in modern smartphones with texting, push notifications, email, as well as calls.
Put your phone on silent and only check it when you finish one task so you can stay focused and directed.
4.2.3 Never do more than one thing at once
Ever. Don’t multitask, don’t try to be everything for everyone all the time, just focus on doing one thing at one time. The way this will help you is that whilst you’re not practising the skill of noticing your experience, you’re still developing the skill of consciously directing your attention at any given point in time.
That will make it far easier to transition back to focussing on your experience when you can than if you’d just let yourself constantly be distracted.
This includes only ever having one browser tab open on your Internet Explorer, ever (if you NEED to have two to complete a specific task, then do so, but always make sure you close it as soon as you’re done), no pointless browsing to waste time away, never having the TV and computer on at the same time, don’t even try and talk whilst you’re doing something else. One thing at a time.
“But what do I do with all the other things that I remember when I’m doing that one task?”
Good question. You simply…
4.3 Get organised
Being disorganised is one of the simplest and easiest ways to keep yourself stuck in your head. When you’re disorganised, you have to constantly think about the different things you have going on in your world.
You have to keep reminding yourself to buy milk, you have to memorise when your appointments are, you have to memorise sequences and procedures to make sure everything’s getting done.
If you were more organised, you’d be able to let all of them go whilst still taking care of what needed to be done in your life.
Here are the three KEY tools you need for doing that:
I’m not talking about a broken hearts, personal sharing and experience recording diary that you can discuss with your girlfriends when you’re having a sleepover. I’m talking about a planning and organising diary. I’m talking about a structured, note taking, task recording, organiser. I have a diary and I write EVERYTHING in it. Literally, EVERYTHING I need to remember goes in it. Why? Because it means that I don’t have to remember anything except to check my diary twice a day.
When I first started getting organised, I had a little A5 diary that had space on the left-hand side separated into hourly sections (to record appointments). After a while, I found I needed more room and so now I have an A4 monster that gives me enough room to record all tasks, appointments and activities as well as being able to record notes and ideas.
Diaries are great for short-term organisation but they’re not great for long-term planning. To effectively plan for long-term events, you need to have everything sitting in front of you. This is where your whiteboard comes in.
Buy yourself a whiteboard and break it up into the different areas of your life (I have one on my desk that has the different projects I’m working on as well as health and fitness as a separate section). In those sections, record all your goals and long-term projects.
It’ll keep you focussed and directed and mean you don’t have to carry them around in your head.
4.3.3 Learn how to use them
There’s no point in having a diary or whiteboard if you don’t use either of them effectively. Here’s how I use my diary and whiteboard (I’m not saying this is the best or most effective way of doing things. It’s just the way that works for me.):
- Write every activity, exercise, and task that you need to remember down on the day it needs to be done
- Always prioritise your tasks ‘A’, ‘B’, or ‘C’. ‘A’s are things that HAVE to be done today, ‘B’s are things that you would like to get done today, and ‘C’s are things that can be done later.
- Always start your day by checking your diary and completing the ‘A’s first then moving onto the ‘B’s and then ‘C’s if you have time.
- At the end of the day, go through your diary and make sure every activity is accounted for. Its either marked completed, not getting completed, has the initials of the person you’ve delegated it to, or has the date that you’ve moved it to in your diary. This is also the perfect time to go through your diary and prioritise the activities for the next day.
- On your whiteboard, write a list of your long-term goals and make sure that every activity you’re completing throughout the day is taking you towards your long-term goals.
- Set aside one afternoon a week to go over your long-term goals and either reaffirm your commitment to them or come up with more suitable ones.
- Carry your diary with you everywhere.
- Put your whiteboard somewhere that you look EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Once again, I’m not saying this is the best way or the only way. It’s just the way that I use that works very effectively for me. It means I can let go of everything I need to think about and just focus on experiencing and being instead of analysing and judging.
Step 5. Eliminate the triggers
Now, there’s one final piece of the puzzle that ALWAYS gets left out by guys trying to move from logical analysis to experiential living: triggers. Triggers are the name that I have for the elements in the external world that you automatically associate with logical analysis and so when you see them, you start analysing, thinking, and judging.
The best example of this is seeing a beautiful woman. When most guys see a beautiful woman, they jump straight up into their heads, start analysing the situation, and start asking themselves the question: how can I attract this woman?
If you have these triggers, then you need to eliminate them because meditating, practising, and organising yourself will only take you so far.
The way you start eliminating them is a simple three-step process:
5.1 Find your triggers
Practice everything listed above and spend more and more time in your body. When you notice yourself analysing, take a second to work out what external stimuli triggered that response in you and note it down in your diary.
If that’s seeing a beautiful woman, then write down: Seeing a beautiful woman.
5.2 Put yourself in front of those triggers
Once you know what your triggers are, you need to start hunting them out. Experiencing the moment rather than analysing the moment is a skill that you need to practice. The only way to practice it is to put yourself in situations where you would normally use another skill and practice this new skill.
If you start analysing when you see a beautiful woman, then you need to go and find beautiful women.
5.3 Use your new skill
Once you’re standing in front of your trigger, then you need to practice the new skill that you want to implement. So, as soon as you notice yourself going into your head, stop yourself and bring your attention back down into how you experience life.
If your trigger is with women, this means finding beautiful women and when you notice yourself starting to analyse the situation, you need to bring your attention back to your experience of the moment. If you’re analysing the situation, I’m guessing that your experience of the moment will either be attraction or anxiety, but whatever it is, just spend your time noticing it rather than analysing.
Step 6. Integration
Yes, one more. It’s ok, this is definitely the last one. And the one that I’m sure you’re going to find the most interesting.
Being able to stay present with your experience through challenging and tough situations is one thing. Being able to actively express yourself whilst staying present with your experience whilst in those situations is another thing completely.
ESPECIALLY if you’re new to this.
If you’ve been thinking your way through challenging and tough situations for x number of years, then it’s quite easy to believe that in order to be able to take action, you need to be logically thinking about the steps you need to take and how you need to act.
This, of course, isn’t true.
Yes, there are some situations where you need to remember the steps and sequences you need to follow. Especially if you’re doing something you’ve never done before.
But for anything that doesn’t require a set of logical sequence of steps to work through, or does but you’re familiar with them, you don’t actually need to think your way through it.
It’s fine for me to tell you all this but you’re not going to really get what I’m talking about until you start to put it into practice, so here is the three-step process I use with personal coaching clients:
NOTE: All of these steps require you to be in your body before you start them so make sure you meditate prior.
NOTE: I’m sure you’re going to have an urge to rush through these and jump right to the end. That’s fine if you do. But ignore it and start from the beginning.
If you can’t master the first few steps, the last few are going to be incredibly challenging.
6.1 Mundane physical activities
Pick the simplest and easiest task you can possibly think of and practice staying present with your experience whilst you’re doing it. Washing the dishes, going for a walk, raking leaves, anything that you can do without having to memorise steps to complete it.
Spend 15 minutes meditating (to get your focus in the right spot), then go and do that activity whilst practising staying present with your experience.
If you notice your attention being pulled away, accept that it’s been pulled away and gently pull it back.
Keep going with that activity until you can do it without too much stress.
Once you’re comfortable, move onto a more challenging exercise like jogging around your block or climbing on play equipment.
Then, once you can do more difficult activities, it’s time to move on to the next step.
This is important because if you can’t master the act of doing simple activities whilst staying focused on your experience, you’ll never be able to flirt, play, and connect whilst staying focused on your experience.
6.2 Physical expression
When you’re doing mundane activities whilst staying present with your experience, all you need to do is stay present with your experience. But to build deep, powerful, and real connections with women, you need to go further – you need to be in touch with your inner desires.
This is INCREDIBLY challenging for most people, but there is a way you can practice getting present with your desires.
The first step is finding a form of expression (anything artistic: dancing, painting, drawing, singing, writing, talking) that you’re comfortable with and is easy for you. If you’re not sure, just ask yourself: where do I feel most free, open, and expressive in my life? That’s a great place to start.
The next part is to practice staying present with your experience and allowing your body to do what feels right. What I mean by this is that if you comfortable form of expression is dance (which it is for me), let your body move to the music however it wants to. Don’t try and perform dance moves, let all the music flow through you and take whatever form of movement your body wants. Maybe your body wants to flow like water, maybe your body wants to bounce like a jackhammer, maybe your body wants to spin and spin and spin. All you need to do is flow with it.
If your comfortable form of expression is painting (which it is for my girlfriend), let whatever colours and shapes and designs that feel right flow from your brush. Don’t try and paint a picture, allow the picture to emerge from your paintbrush. Allow yourself to move towards the colours that feel right, create shapes that feel right. Maybe you feel like red circles, maybe you feel like yellow triangles, maybe you feel like blue squares, maybe you feel like angry faces, maybe, maybe, maybe…
If you’ve never done this before, it will feel weird. Don’t fight it, that’s totally normal. Just allow that weirdness to be there and see what your body creates.
When you’re comfortable with this, it’s time to move onto the next step.
The reason this step is important is that if you’re going to have flirty, powerful, and fun connections with women, you first have to learn how to express yourself. Physical expression is FAR easier than verbal expression so we’re starting here.
Once you can comfortably express yourself physically, it’s time to move onto the next step: verbal expression. All you need to do for this is copy the above experience, but this time, narrate your experience whilst you’re doing it.
- If you’re dancing, then comment on how you’re dancing and what’s happening.
- If you’re painting, then commentate on what you’re choosing and what’s happening.
Obviously, you can’t do this if you’re singing so just skip this step.
Some people find this very tricky, some people find this very simple. It varies for everyone. Just see how you go with it and keep going until it’s easy for you. The reason you’re doing this is that if you’re going to have fun and playful conversations with women, the first thing you need to be able to do is to express yourself verbally.
The next stage is where we start to allow cues, events, and stimuli from outside the body to interact with us. For this stage, you don’t need to dance or sing or paint, you simply need to go somewhere where you know there’ll be people (preferably cute women) and allow yourself to notice how your bodily experience changes when you see them.
It’s really simple: Just find a comfortable seat, sit your arse down, get in touch with your current experience, and then notice how your experience changes as you’re watching other people go by.
Notice how your experience changes when you see an angry looking tough dude, notice how your experience changes when you see a content old couple pottering along arm in arm, notice how your experience changes when you see the super hot but bitchy blonde and notice how your experience changes when you see the cute and bubbly not-so-hot brunette.
If you’re anything like most guys, you’ll get a few interesting realisations out of this. The most interesting being that the good-looking women are usually not very attractive and the less good looking but bubbly, girly, and playful women are INCREDIBLY attractive.
Keep going through this until you’re able to sit in a busy place experiencing the people that are moving around without jumping into your head and analysing them or the situation.
The reason you’re doing this is that in order to create deep connections with people, you HAVE to be able to take in what they’re expressing and notice your experience of it. If you can’t, the conversation will be very one-sided and you won’t connect with them at all.
This is where it gets REALLY challenging for most people for one reason: as you’re about to experience, English is a highly inadequate language for self-expression. It simply doesn’t have the vocabulary to adequately express the feelings, experiences, and desires that you have.
But you’re going to try anyway. All you need to do for this step is start a conversation with someone and practice noticing feeling your experience of them as you’re talking.
It sounds simple but it’s much harder than you think.
The biggest roadblock that I had doing this, and that most guys face, is that when they’re focussing on experience (their experience, the other person’s experience, and their experience of the other person), it’s very hard to maintain a conversation about random, mundane, uninteresting topics.
If you’re running into this, there’s a simple way to deal with it: combine the two.
When they’re talking about their topic, notice their experience and mention it to them:
– “You seem very passionate about this.”
– “This really seems to excite you.”
– “I can see just how much this means to you.”
That way, you can talk about what they want to whilst staying focused on experience.
The 6 steps you need to follow to get out of your head are:
- Remove the cause
- Make your body feel good
- Develop new habits
- Eliminate the triggers
If you can do this, your conversations will become more effortless (because you’ll actually be listening rather than worrying about what people are thinking of you), you will be able to read her subconscious signals (because you’re paying attention rather than trying to come up with something clever to say), you’ll form FAR deeper connections (because you’ll be being real and genuine rather than pretending to be someone you’re not to try and force an outcome) and you’ll be FAR more confident (because you won’t be worrying about what everyone else is thinking.
But more than just improving your relationships with women, these tools are the foundation for building a happy and rewarding life.
Firstly, if you followed the basic steps in the first three sections, you’d feel so much more fulfilled, confident, and in control of your life than you ever thought possible. You’d be getting things done, pushing forward with your life, and feeling energetic and capable whilst you’re doing it.
Secondly, happiness, fulfilment, freedom, and excitement are all experiences that happen in the present moment. If you’re not focusing on the present moment, especially your experience in the present moment, you’ll miss them, thus missing out on what you’re really looking for.
I hope you’ve received immense value from this post. It’s chock full of all the tips I use to get out of my head and stay out of my head. If you have any questions, comments, ideas, or arguments (yes, I know you’re out there), just throw them in underneath.