How To Flirt: The Art Of Effortless Flirtation

If you can flirt with women, it’s the easiest, simplest, and most fun way to play.

There’s tension, excitement, energy, and you don’t end up with problems like running out of things to say, or getting relegated to the friend zone.

If you can’t do it, things are very different. It can just seem like a foreign language that you just don’t have a chance of decoding and can result in you simply being rejected.

Today, I’m going to decode it for you. Here we go:

The Art of Flirting: How To Flirt With Women

What is Flirting?

If you’ve ever watched two people flirting and tried to define what they were doing, you’ll know it’s pretty hard to come up with a definition.

After writing out 20 different definitions and then seeing all the different ways I could tear them apart, I decided just to put one up so I had a base to work with.

No, it’s not perfect. But it’s here, so deal with it.

Flirting is the art of manipulating tension (often in a sexual manner) in an enjoyable and positive manner for all parties involved.

I’m sure there are some of you who are going to disagree with this definition. That’s fine. I’m not really that attached to it. I’m just giving it to you so I can convey the key points I want to make in a way that has a context.

If you disagree with the wording or the definition, that’s fine. Just make sure you don’t get hung up on the wording and actually focus on what’s important – the how-to guide.

What does this actually mean?

It means that flirting is when two (or more) people communicate with each other in a way that plays with tension, creates energy, excitement, is intriguing, and is a mutually enjoyable experience for everyone.

If you’re talking with a woman about logical ideas, you’re not flirting.

If you’re building tension with a woman and she’s not enjoying it, you’re not flirting.

If you’re building tension with a woman and you’re not enjoying it, you’re not flirting.

If you’re going into in-depth explanations that allow the vibe to turn stale, you’re not flirting.

Flirting is about creating emotion, tension, and enjoyment as you’re doing it.

Does that mean it should be done all the time?


It doesn’t need to be happy all the time.

The goal isn’t to keep everything happy and light because, eventually, that stops being enjoyable too.

Flirting is about more than that. It’s about taking women on the emotional roller-coaster that most feminine women enjoy.

Sometimes she’ll want to feel challenged, other times she’ll want to feel loved, other times she’ll want to feel excited, other times she’ll want to feel protected.

To create an experience, you need to be able to give her the experiences that she wants.

What do you mean ‘Manipulating Tension’?

I mean creating and releasing tension, as the situation requires it.

Creating tension involves orchestrating unexpected and unfamiliar situations that challenge and excite people by placing barriers in between where they are and what they want.

For example:

You’re standing in a narrow corridor (GREAT place to meet women. They’re forced to talk to you to get past) and a woman tries to squeeze past. But, she can’t. You’re standing in the way. She politely and innocently looks up at you and says “Excuse me, can I squeeze through?”

You turn to her, look her up and down, and in the most dismissive way possible, you shake your head and say “No.” before turning back to your mates and continuing to talk.

She wants to get past, any normal and sane person would have let her past, but you’re not. You’re creating an unusual and challenging situation by placing a barrier in between her and what she wants.

Great. What do I do next?

Sorry, that’s where my step-by-step guidance ends. I can’t tell you what to do next because what you do next depends on how she responds.

Remember, flirting is about creating a mutually enjoyable experience.

She might look at you with a big puppy-dog face, all dejected and beaten down.

If she does that, you have to give her what she needs in that moment. It’ll probably be a quick hug, a kiss on the forehead, and then a golden pass through.

She might stand for a minute, confused and lost and not sure what to do next.

If she does that, you’ll probably need to laugh, smile, apologise for confusing her, and insist that she does a small jig before you can let her through.

She might look at you, cross her arms in defiance, then try and push past with a big smile on her face.

If she does that, you’ll probably have to stand your ground, tickle her a little bit, and apologise but insist that she’s not wearing the right shoes and can’t come through.

She might do any of 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 (yes, there are that many variations) and to create a mutually enjoyable experience, you need to pay attention to her and respond appropriately.

How do you know what the situation requires/what she desires?

There’s only one way to do it – pay attention to the beautiful woman standing in front of you.

If you’re stuck in your head, if you’re trying to recite a script, if you’re focussing on pretending to be someone you’re not, you’re going to miss the hundreds of subtle clues she’s giving you.

To be great at flirting, you need to be paying 100% attention to her and what she’s going through, and then give her what she really desires.

You can call it presence if you’re into spiritual definitions.

But how do I know what she needs?

Honestly, when you start to pay attention, you’ll get it pretty quickly. The only thing you need to keep in mind is that she desires an experience, not an action, object, or idea.

If a woman looks sad, what experience do you think she desires?

If a woman looks bored, what experience do you think she desires?

If a woman looks lonely, what experience do you think she desires?

If a woman looks confident and strong, what experience do you think she desires?

You already know this. And what you don’t know, you’ll pick up on the way.

If you want to get better at this, there’s a simple way you can do it:

Go anywhere that will allow you to watch people. Shopping malls, night clubs, bars, or wherever you can go where people hang out. Try to avoid places with lots of small children though. It can look a little sus…

Find yourself a seat, put your arse down, fire up your iPod or whatever you have to try and block out the noise in the environment (gentle soundtracks of whales making love or some other nature based music are the best) and start to watch.

Scan the area and find someone who’s particularly expressive and emotional (Women are obviously the best for this, but tough guys are usually pretty easy as well) and start to watch them. As you’re watching them, ask yourself “How does this person feel, right now?”

Don’t look at specific body language features or facial gestures, look at their ‘vibe’. What are they experiencing? What are they going through? How do they feel?

If you’re having trouble doing this, it’s usually for one of two reasons:

  1. The person you’ve chosen is too stuck in their head to let their emotions show through. If this is the case, find someone who’s more expressive.
  2. You’re too stuck in your head to be able to really experience what someone else is going through. If this is the case, get your hands on a guided meditation and go through that before you try this exercise.

Once you can start to really notice how people are feeling, change the question to “What does this person desire right now?”

Once again, don’t look for specific facial expressions or body language clues, pay attention to their vibe. How do they want to feel right now? What do they want to experience? What do they need?

If you’re having trouble with this, it’s probably because of one of the two things I listed above.

Or you’re autistic.

Examples of Flirting

There are a couple of movies with some great examples of flirting in it. My personal favourites are:

Meet Joe Black – The whole movie is so tense, it’s amazing. Just watching Brad Pitt dance with Claire Forlani is incredible.

Cocktail – Very different flirting to Meet Joe Black. More intense, cocky, and ‘player-ish’. The scene when Tom Cruise is working at the bar in the Bahamas’ (I think that’s the one… Where he picks up the cougar) is probably my favourite.

9 ½ Weeks – The early scene when Micky Rourke meets Kim Basinger in the store… Wow. No words are exchanged but you can just feel the tension.

Other honourable mentions go to:

  • Out Of Sight
  • American Beauty
  • 10 things I hate about you
  • It’s a wonderful life
  • Gone with the wind
  • Hitch
  • Unfaithful
  • Dirty Dancing
  • Dangerous Liaisons
  • Body of Evidence
  • Lie With Me

I’ve watched some of these and others have been recommended by friends. If you have any more examples, please leave a comment and I’ll add them in.

How do I become good at flirting?

If you read through this and think about it carefully, there are a couple of clues about things you need to do to be good at flirting.

If you’re not good at flirting, it’s probably because you’re missing one of these key elements:

– You’re not paying specific attention to the other person

Flirting has to be mutually enjoyable. You can’t tell what someone else enjoys if you’re not paying attention to them. If you’re stuck in your head trying to be cool or suave or funny or anything else, then you’re not going to be focussing on what the woman wants and what she needs to have a good time.

– You’re focussing on the outcome, rather than the action

Just like the point above, if you’re focussing on some endpoint that you’re trying to achieve, you’re not paying attention to the one person who matters the most – the woman standing right in front of you.

Positive and enjoyable experiences don’t happen after you follow a series of arbitrary steps or gain a certain level of experience, they can only ever happen in the present moment.

If you’re focussing on anything other than ‘how can I make this moment as enjoyable as possible’ then you’re shooting yourself in the foot.

– You’re communicating on logical levels rather than on emotional levels

Flirting is all about building and/or releasing tension. It’s about creating emotional experiences. You can’t create emotional experiences if you’re talking about dry and logical facts. You can only create emotional experiences if you’re communicating about emotional topics and emotionally expressing yourself.

– You don’t actually desire excitement, tension, and challenge, and so aren’t actively creating it because it won’t be enjoyable for you

Flirting is about creating tension, excitement, and challenge in a way that’s mutually enjoyable for both parties. If you don’t desire this, then it’s not going to be enjoyable for you. Therefore, if you try and do it, it’s going to be forced and fake and not going to come out the way you want it to.

– You’ve just never done it before or given yourself permission to do it before

I grew up believing that I needed to be nice, polite, and safe with women. Therefore, I wasn’t naturally playful and flirty. I thought it was wrong to treat women like that. It was only once I started to see other guys doing it and gave myself permission to play with women like that, that I actually started to do it.

Becoming a Naturally Flirty Guy

There are two key requirements for becoming a naturally flirty guy:

  1. You need to be at a place in your life where you’re really looking to increase the levels of excitement and tension in your life.
  2. You need to be communicating with women who’re looking for the same thing.

This takes care of almost all the problems listed above.

If you’re confident, strong, powerful, and are looking for more tension and excitement in your life, then you’re going to be:

– Paying attention to the people around you because you know that tension comes from your interactions

– Focussing on the experience rather than the outcome because tension doesn’t happen when you get to a specific outcome, it can only happen by the way you get there

– Communicating on emotional levels because that’s where tension is created

If you get to a place in your life where you’re really looking to increase the amount of tension and excitement in your life and you find a woman who can’t handle that kind of tension, then you’re not going to create a mutually enjoyable experience because you’re both looking for different things.

You can gently lead them down the path by making them feel safe, secure, and appreciated, then start amping up the tension, but it’s going to be a delicate edge to walk.

You’re much better off finding women who are looking for that tension and excitement in their life.

If you’re still at a place in your life where you’re not ready for more uncertainty and you meet a woman who’s really looking for more tension and excitement, then you’re not going to be able to create a mutually enjoyable experience.

You can try and flirt but it’s going to come out forced, stilted, and fake. You can try it, but it’s going to be far more effective and productive to actually deal with what’s going on underneath before you launch into this.

The way to have naturally flirty and fun conversations with women requires you getting to a place in your life where you’re looking for more excitement, energy, tension, and finding women who are looking for that as well.

Then, the real fun starts. You can play, push her around, tease her, challenge her, and she’s going to get as much out of it as you do.


Flirting is really simple when you get the basics:

1. Become the kind of Man who is looking for tension and excitement in his life.
2. Find women who are looking for the same thing.
3. Pay attention to what she needs and give it to her.

It seems funny that it took me 2500 words to say that, but I’m sure you can see why it’s necessary.

Good luck!

22 thoughts on “How To Flirt: The Art Of Effortless Flirtation”

  1. Wanted to add ‘Top Gun’ to the list of movies, love T Cruise’s character in that. He’s challenging, playful, cocky and reveals a little at a time. So good, my all time favourite.

  2. This article seams to be in opposition to what you were teaching before. It sounds like a bunch of rules to follow… Flirting comes naturally. If it doesn’t come naturally to you, too bad, it is not something you can learn, in my opinion…

    • If you just read the start, then yes, it’ll look like a set of rules. If you dig a little deeper, you’ll see that it’s exactly what I’ve been teaching everywhere else.

      The core of being able to flirt effortlessly with women is reaching a place in your life where you’re strong, confident, and secure and looking for more excitement and tension, then finding ways to expereince that tension through the way you interact with women.

      It’s not a series of tricks to pick up women, it’s a series of tools you can use to experience what you want. It just so happens that women love it as well.

      I have to disagree with you about the learning thing. I definitely wasn’t any good at flirting for a long time and as I started to apply the ideas in this to my life, it because natural and enjoyable.

      But, we all have our own opinions based on our own expereince. Yours is obviously based off what you have seen. All I can say is that I have personal experience that contradicts that experience.

  3. Leigh,

    I bet you guys had a heap of fun last weekend. Shame you werent around to organise the strippers for the bucks.

    Going back to movies list, come to think of it Arnie was actually quite the ladies man back in the day and in real life but unfortunately the movies only portrayed him as a badass with a funny accent.

    Im sure you’ve seen ‘Pumping Iron’, I remember little snippets of dialogue in the docu where he teases, flirts and challenges women (and men too) in a fun way and that was him being himself. Great examples of flirting.

    @ Gerome – there arent that many things in life which humans cannot learn. Its just whether we are open enough to want to learn and believe we can be successful at it.

  4. I really appreciate the post’s structure and your well-considered and VERY clear way of explaining the content. The length is not a problem, but a strong aspect of your post. It’s neither too long nor too short.

    Your post really helped me to understand the problems I’m facing concerning flirting and what I can do about it (and I feel even motivated to do it. I mean I’m only fooling myself when I won’t do it now.)


    • Wicked mate. I’m glad to hear it helped.

      As I was reading your comment, I was waiting for a “but…” It seems almost too complimentary. But then I got to the end and all there was was a “thanks.”

      It’s nice to see that some times.

      Great to hear you’re motivated to get into it. It takes practice but you can get there.

  5. Very nice breakdown. I also liked the guide to uncontrollable sexual tension in the forum.

    Funny, I recently came to a somewhat similar conclusion regarding myself and my lack of success with women.

    It’s not really my looks, my introversion or my quirkiness that stands in the way of getting (more) success with women (although I might be a better fit for some types of women compared to others types – but that goes for all of us).

    My main sticking point is that I tend to retreat when tension mounts. When I start to experience ambiguous or uncertain emotions I become stuck in my head, instead of being present.

    This is probably not a shocking new insight to anyone on this forum. But to me it is rather important, because I know it is something I can change.

    I really just have to:

    – practice being present, even when I have uncomfortable, uncertain or ambiguous emotions (hard but doable)
    – live my life according to my own terms/values (hard but doable)

    Luckily, I am improving a lot in both areas of my life.

  6. Would give anything if I could do it. I have tried and tried to learn to flirt.But for me its the most complicated dumfounding things I have tried to learn. I could learn to fly a space ship easier than what you descirbe above. You said it is simple and easy. Every thing is easy if you can do it.

    • hey man, it’s only hard if you make it hard. if you’re stuck in your head worrying about the next thing you should say, if you’ll offend her, or to make sure she doesn’t get turned off and leave you (or any variation of that), then you’re not going to be flowing freely in the moment and saying what you feel. Flirting WON’T come naturally to you.

      Now the issue becomes you getting out of your OWN way. We can help you with that.

      Have you read the free ebook Seduction Community SUCKS which we offer here at AI?

  7. After reading the post I feel autistic. Funny, one woman at my job said I was. Anyway. I saw the movie clip of Joe Black and still don’t get it. To create the experience she wants, do you have to had create it for yourself previously in your own life? How can you ascertain her current mood and more like importantly, her wanted mood?

  8. Well, I doubt myself too much. Way too fucking much. I’m watching a movie with the sound on and off. I’m getting everything correct. Thier moods and what the male characters are doing to create and alieve tension. Great post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. “Flirting is all about building and/or releasing tension. It’s about creating emotional experiences. You can’t create emotional experiences if you’re talking about dry and logical facts. You can only create emotional experiences if you’re communicating about emotional topics and emotionally expressing yourself”

    This sentence describes my problem perfectly. Thanks for this great article

  10. I’ve read this three times and many other articles on flirting as well – but none of it even starts to make sense. I guess I’ll never get it – I am too rational to even know where to begin. There is no way I’ll ever attract any woman except as a friend because that’s all I can do.


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