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Keep hearing "my boyfriend", even with women I'm not interested in.

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  • #23302

    Vaom
    Participant

    Leigh, I was hoping you could answer this question (though am happy for anyone else to answer this question based on their own experience as well), because I wanted to know how often someone who has a lot of confidence and success with women hears them shoehorning the words “my boyfriend/husband/partner” into a conversation in the most obvious way when in an interaction with one. The reason I want to know is so I could know whether the reason it is happening to me a lot is because I’m completely doing something wrong and telegraphing some type of desperation towards them, or whether this is something that you always hear a lot regardless of how attractive you are.

    If it’s the former rather than the latter, I don’t understand how this is possible because this happens a huge amount of time with women I’m not interested in. On top of the fact that this indicates that these women who I’m interacting with are delusional and narcissistic (because they think I’m interested in them when I am not), does this indicate that there is just a general neediness to the way I come off that repels people and makes them presume the worst about me? This is happening even when I’m pretty sure I’m being myself so I don’t understand what is happening.

    (I just want to say that this doesn’t really bother me that much anymore – nowhere near as much as it used to. I’m more just asking because I want to know what this behaviour indicates about how I am coming off to women, or whether it doesn’t have anything to do with me at all).

    • This topic was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by Vaom.
    • This topic was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by Vaom.
    #23307

    Miguel
    Participant

    In my own experience, from the multiple amounts of interactions I’ve had: I’ve heard these words many times.

    For me, considering where I started to where I am now (and I’m still working on myself) many of my interactions involved women telling me they had partners because they could feel my desperation. Whether or not they actually had romantic partners, I wasn’t sure, but I know that I was projecting a lot of insecurity and a lot of desperation that even with women who were initially interested in me – they began to lose interest once they felt all I wanted was something and that I was heavily dependent on them for me to feel happy. It repelled them because they were looking for someone to make them feel the way they wanted.

    But, yeah… You hear those words all the time lol.

    I think what matters most is how you feel whenever women tell you that they have a boyfriend (especially from those you find incredibly attractive). I think it’s more important to look for those specific signs of how you feel vs. any external clue and attaching meaning to something like her non-verbal cues. For me, I feel incredibly in-control of my confidence (even with those I’m attracted to) when I’m focused on my internal cues (thoughts, feelings, actions.)

    Hope this helps mate!

    #23321

    B
    Participant

    Hey Voam,

    After completing Leigh’s previous program and book about 10 or so years ago, I am now a naturally confident person. I am now working through his Insight program just to create an even more fulfilling life aside from women (which I believe I am fairly successful with).

    If I may help, I don’t think I can even remember the last time I cared about a girl bringing up her significant other. They could have brought it up 3x the amount they brought it up to you or maybe they didn’t. It just doesn’t register on my radar. And tbh, most girls who hit on me have boyfriends. One even told my brother’s girlfriend (her bff) that she would like to be my fuck buddy. So whether a girl has a boyfriend or not doesn’t really matter for the level of attraction she has for you. I truly believe the genuineness of not caring could only work in your favor. If a girl brings up her boyfriend, I might ask her about him or just ignore it. I naturally would treat her talking about her boyfriend as if it’s any other person in her life. I literally put no weight on it. However, this has to come from a genuine place. Pretending to not care is just as desperate. Because now you are masking or hiding your real intentions (which is trying to impress her by not trying to impress her).

    IMO, the fact that you register such things on your radar and be bothered enough on how you’re being portrayed could signal that you are seeking validation from her. When you say you noticed it happens to women who you are NOT interested in, it shows me you do have some interest in whether they are attracted to you or not. If you genuinely not interested in them, why would you even care? And if you unconsciously coming off as desperate in their eyes, who cares? As long as you know you are not. How I come off to people isn’t as important as if I am being the realest version of myself to me. I am open to changing my unconscious behaviors if it’s rude enough that they are asking me to change so long that it doesn’t violate my values. Other than that I just focus on the kind of person I want to become and work on it daily.

    The best way to deal with this is to be 100% yourself (the good, the bad, and the ugly). That way whoever does like you likes the real you. And if she doesn’t (such as in your case), it doesn’t matter. If you applied Leigh’s concept then you should have healthy self-esteem and know you shouldn’t be reaching for someone who doesn’t like the real you anyway.

    I hope I don’t come off as rude. My answer is based on a few assumptions and if it isn’t true please disregard it. Sometimes when I answer people I like to reiterate the key concepts to help remind myself of it as well (hence the lengthy answer).

     

    Hope this helps!

    #23367

    Vaom
    Participant

    Sorry, I’m really bad with replying to people’s responses of a thread that I started. I’m going to make more of an effort to respond to people’s replies more quickly.

    Miguel, so you’re saying it only really happens when you signal desperation? As you have become more independent, do you find that it doesn’t really happen anymore? I’m asking because sometimes I can’t tell if I’m being desperate and coming off desperately, so it would be good if I could use such a response to gauge how desperately I am coming off to people. However, if they says these things regardless of how dependent/independent you are, then perhaps I can’t use this as a gauge of whether or not I am coming off desperately.

    <span style=”color: #444444; font-family: Merriweather; font-size: 17px;”>I think what matters most is how you feel whenever women tell you that they have a boyfriend (especially from those you find incredibly attractive). I think it’s more important to look for those specific signs of how </span><em style=”box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; font-family: Merriweather; font-size: 17px;”>you <span style=”color: #444444; font-family: Merriweather; font-size: 17px;”>feel vs. any external clue and attaching meaning to something like her non-verbal cues. For me, I feel incredibly in-control of my confidence (even with those I’m attracted to) when I’m focused on my internal cues (thoughts, feelings, actions.)</span>

    Are you saying that them saying “My boyfriend”, etc. is not an appropriate gauge of my desperation and that a better gauge of my desperation is whether I feel like crap when they say the words “My boyfriend”, etc.?

    If that’s what you mean, a lot of the time that they say this I don’t really give a shit. Which would mean that I wasn’t being desperate in these instances, right, right? If that’s so, I don’t really understand why they would shoehorn those words into the conversation.

    But I’m confused by this because didn’t you say near the start of your post that you could feel that they said this in response to your desperation?

     

    #23368

    Vaom
    Participant

    Hi B,

    I might be wrong, but I think the reason I register these types of comments and that they are “on my radar” is because I am trying to use them as a gauge of whether or not I am coming off desperately. That is, if they say this type of thing, I’m using that as an indication that I still have a level of neediness/desperation that I need to try and fix. What I was wondering with my post here was whether this is in fact a good indication of my level of desperation that I am displaying (and that, therefore, I have to therefore keep working on myself and become more independent), or whether it doesn’t really mean anything at all and these comments from women happen regardless of how dependent or independent you are.

    <span style=”color: #444444; font-family: Merriweather; font-size: 17px;”>When you say you noticed it happens to women who you are NOT interested in, it shows me you do have some interest in whether they are attracted to you or not. If you genuinely not interested in them, why would you even care? </span>

    Because if women that I’m not attracted aren’t interested me, then that presumably means that I’m going to have an even harder time with women that I am attracted to.

    <span style=”color: #444444; font-family: Merriweather; font-size: 17px;”>And if you unconsciously coming off as desperate in their eyes, who cares? As long as you know you are not. </span>

    Because I don’t know if I’m being desperate/coming off desperately to them or not. I’m trying to use their comments as an indication of my desperation because I can’t figure out whether or not I am desperate.

    #23369

    B
    Participant

    Hey glad to see you’re still active. I have no idea what happened to Leigh. He’s nowhere to be found.

    Speaking of boyfriends. Yesterday a girl told me she has a boyfriend, and then we had sex afterward. Do you see how it doesn’t matter? The more you care the more you become desperate.

    The best way to gauge if you are actually desperate or not is internal, not external. So as long as you feel you are not desperate you should be good.

    The trap of looking for external cues such as from her “boyfriend comment” makes you becoming externally reactive. For example, every time you noticed this comment, you could be subconsciously reacting to it. And by reacting to it you can give off desperate cues. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    The best way is to not use this method to gauge. In most cases, it will only hurt more. The time that you take to notice these things can be used to focus that energy inward to be more independent by following your desires.

    I never use any external cues as a way to gauge internally anymore. Unless it’s to make the experience better for her. For example, I often ask a girl are you comfortable? And then go do something to make her feel more comfortable such as get her a glass of water, or a pillow to put behind her back on the couch. I do this just to do it. I don’t care if she takes it positively or not. I don’t care if this makes me look desperate or not. I don’t care if it makes me look needy or not. I simply don’t care.

    I do this stuff because I simply like making people feel comfortable. You see, as long as you become the person of your dreams, a person that you are proud to be, and don’t become attached to the external cues, you will not become desperate. And if she throws her boyfriend line, it will just go past my head. I don’t register it. And by not registering it, I am not reactivating to it. And by not reacting to it I am not desperate. If you can honestly tell yourself you are not. That is all the gauging you need.

    NOT CHECKING TO SEE IF YOU ARE COMING OFF AS DESPERATE WILL AUTOMATICALLY MAKE YOU NOT DESPERATE.

    #23372

    Vaom
    Participant

    Hi B, I think you’re post is very helpful and you’ve convinced me quite well that looking to gauge my level of desperation or neediness from the environment is a bad idea and that I should focus on trying to work out for myself whether I am acting in a needy/desperate way.

    I think my problem is that I have no idea how to do that, because I am never able to tell if I am, as you say, “following my desires” and doing something from a place of independence or doing something our of neediness. I may feel at the time of doing something that I’m not doing something out of desperation but have no idea if sub-consciously I am in fact doing it out of desperation. There was literally this long period of time (that I talked about in another thread) where I think I was acting really needy and desperately a lot of the time (to the extent that different people would make passive-aggressive comments about it) but a lot of the time had absolutely no idea I was in this state. I have no way of telling whether I am acting desperately in the current moment.

    Several days ago, for instance, I tried not worrying about it and just decided I was going to do what I wanted and not worry if I was coming off as desperate. I was just about to leave a room that I didn’t need to be in anymore, and a girl I like struck up a conversation. I was talking with her for a few minutes before the conversation started dwindling, but I kind of hung around for a few seconds to see if she would start talking again to see if the conversation would pick up again. (Most of the time, the second a conversation with a girl I know and like starts dwindling, I usually cut off the conversation off as quickly as possible and leave because I’m worried of looking like I’m hanging around in a needy way). This may have happened more than once in the conversation, but I can’t remember. But anyway, she made a comment that she needed to do something, so I took that as a cue and then left.

    I have no idea of whether I was behaving desperately in that moment when I decided to wait for a few seconds, but I started obsessing and trying to analyse it over and over later on, not being able to figure out if I was behaving desperately or not, and whether I was doing something because that’s who I am and what I felt like doing or doing something to get something out of her. I notice that I do this with absolutely everything I do now. Whenever I do anything (e.g., smiling at a girl I know when I walk past her/saying “Hi”/making eye contact), I start over-analysing my behaviour for minutes/hours, trying to work out if I did that thing because I did it independent of trying to get something out of that person or if I did it in a needy way to get something out of them, and then I start believing that I am only doing something out of neediness/desperation, and then I get depressed because I think that I am never going to be able to be happy and independent.

    (Also, sorry for not replying more quickly. I think the reason I take so long is because I have a hard time understanding my own behaviour and communicating it without getting it wrong. I hesitate because I don’t want to waste both mine and another person’s time by trying to understand a behaviour/motivation/mentality that is not actually the correct one).

     

    #23374

    B
    Participant

    Hi Vaom,

    No worries. I get it. Becoming internally validated can be tricky.

    So from what I can tell is that you are acting needy and desperate. I actually want to change the word “desperate” to being needy.

    The best indicator is actually a simple one.

    Whenever you care about if you are coming off as needy is when you are. And the best way to combat it is to work on yourself.

    I went through both the Get Real and Insight courses from Leigh… Man I miss that guy.

    So looks like you understood some concepts of this lifestyle to know what to look out for but don’t have a game plan on how to fix it.

    Looks like you have a lot more things you need to do to get your inner game fixed.

    I will summaries it here for you on how to do it.

    1. Figure out the person of your dreams (someone that you are proud of), and the life of your dreams.

    2. Become aware of what kind of “thinking”, “focus”,  or “way of being” required to make #1 come true. This takes some work to figure out. Here are 2 scenarios to give you an example of what these things are. Let’s take a time where you are with friends hanging out. But try to remember one time you enjoyed it and one time you didn’t. So if the people and the activity are the same yet your experiences can be different can be attributed to your “way of being”. That is your thinking process. You can be there hating it “because you’re too lazy to put in the effort to talk or to make it more fun” or you can be there loving it “because you want to genuinely learn more about them, or to maximize life because you know you can die tomorrow”. Do you see the main factor that contributes to your experience isn’t external (people, activity) but internal (why you are there)? For this, I suggest taking Leigh’s Insight program. Took me 2 weeks to finish. But with a good base, I was able to skip certain modules.

    3. Figure out where you currently are in terms of your life, the person you are being, and your “way of being”. And then make micro steps each day to get to #1 and #2 as stated above from where you currently are.

    What you are focusing on right now is a symptom that you feel or fear that you are not enough. And you’re trying to “be” enough by watching external cues and adjusting your behaviors. You need to do a lot more than just changing your behaviors. You need to adjust your “way of being” and making it a lifestyle to become the person of your dreams and achieving the life of your dreams inch by inch each day. When you are on this path, you will feel progress and empowered. You will be you are doing something with your life. And when you are on this path, it will bring you inner confidence like no other.

    If you work on #1-3, you WILL become enough. And when you feel that you are, you won’t care about the current issues you have.

    Another note, I ran into a bar owner the other day. She has a man. She’s middle age but looks like she’s in her mid-twenties. Very hot. Yet she told me she wanna be my girlfriend. Girls with boyfriends hit on me all the time. That is the reason why when I heard your concerns, I knew it’s nothing to be concerned about.

    I attribute this level of confidence to me working on myself. Some people spend time fixing up their cars. I spent the last 10 years working on myself.
    – Getting fit
    – Eating healthy
    – Reducing my vices
    – Becoming smarter
    – Working on a business that I love
    – Being a good friend without any expectations in return
    – Being a grateful person
    – Learning to be more respectful of people out of compassion while protecting my boundaries if I get disrespected

    I have been doing these things consistently for the last 10 years. But you won’t need 10 years. You can start feeling empowered in 1 day.

    Also meditation. Meditating is an amazing thing. It helps me become aware when I engage in external validation seeking behaviors. And when I become aware, I then have the power to choose if I want to indulge in the external validations or ignore it to work on internal validations. If you are not aware of this process, it runs you. If you become aware, you can run it.

    There is a certain level to mastery this. But by no means am I saying I am a master. I do however have enough confidence to say I am competent.

    My biggest issue now isn’t girls. My biggest issue now is how can I become so rich I can bring up my family and close friends where we rise in life together.

    I live in the US. If you wanna text me for some coaching I can help. As long as you have enough respect to not be needy and bother me all the time lol. I don’t charge and never will since I own my own business unrelated to this stuff. I enjoy helping people. And if your problems are too deep for me to help, I will let you know.

    – B (this is my real name believe it or not)

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