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Keep hearing "my boyfriend", even with women I'm not interested in.

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  • #23302

    Vaom
    Participant

    Leigh, I was hoping you could answer this question (though am happy for anyone else to answer this question based on their own experience as well), because I wanted to know how often someone who has a lot of confidence and success with women hears them shoehorning the words “my boyfriend/husband/partner” into a conversation in the most obvious way when in an interaction with one. The reason I want to know is so I could know whether the reason it is happening to me a lot is because I’m completely doing something wrong and telegraphing some type of desperation towards them, or whether this is something that you always hear a lot regardless of how attractive you are.

    If it’s the former rather than the latter, I don’t understand how this is possible because this happens a huge amount of time with women I’m not interested in. On top of the fact that this indicates that these women who I’m interacting with are delusional and narcissistic (because they think I’m interested in them when I am not), does this indicate that there is just a general neediness to the way I come off that repels people and makes them presume the worst about me? This is happening even when I’m pretty sure I’m being myself so I don’t understand what is happening.

    (I just want to say that this doesn’t really bother me that much anymore – nowhere near as much as it used to. I’m more just asking because I want to know what this behaviour indicates about how I am coming off to women, or whether it doesn’t have anything to do with me at all).

    • This topic was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Vaom.
    • This topic was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Vaom.
    #23307

    Miguel
    Participant

    In my own experience, from the multiple amounts of interactions I’ve had: I’ve heard these words many times.

    For me, considering where I started to where I am now (and I’m still working on myself) many of my interactions involved women telling me they had partners because they could feel my desperation. Whether or not they actually had romantic partners, I wasn’t sure, but I know that I was projecting a lot of insecurity and a lot of desperation that even with women who were initially interested in me – they began to lose interest once they felt all I wanted was something and that I was heavily dependent on them for me to feel happy. It repelled them because they were looking for someone to make them feel the way they wanted.

    But, yeah… You hear those words all the time lol.

    I think what matters most is how you feel whenever women tell you that they have a boyfriend (especially from those you find incredibly attractive). I think it’s more important to look for those specific signs of how you feel vs. any external clue and attaching meaning to something like her non-verbal cues. For me, I feel incredibly in-control of my confidence (even with those I’m attracted to) when I’m focused on my internal cues (thoughts, feelings, actions.)

    Hope this helps mate!

    #23321

    B
    Participant

    Hey Voam,

    After completing Leigh’s previous program and book about 10 or so years ago, I am now a naturally confident person. I am now working through his Insight program just to create an even more fulfilling life aside from women (which I believe I am fairly successful with).

    If I may help, I don’t think I can even remember the last time I cared about a girl bringing up her significant other. They could have brought it up 3x the amount they brought it up to you or maybe they didn’t. It just doesn’t register on my radar. And tbh, most girls who hit on me have boyfriends. One even told my brother’s girlfriend (her bff) that she would like to be my fuck buddy. So whether a girl has a boyfriend or not doesn’t really matter for the level of attraction she has for you. I truly believe the genuineness of not caring could only work in your favor. If a girl brings up her boyfriend, I might ask her about him or just ignore it. I naturally would treat her talking about her boyfriend as if it’s any other person in her life. I literally put no weight on it. However, this has to come from a genuine place. Pretending to not care is just as desperate. Because now you are masking or hiding your real intentions (which is trying to impress her by not trying to impress her).

    IMO, the fact that you register such things on your radar and be bothered enough on how you’re being portrayed could signal that you are seeking validation from her. When you say you noticed it happens to women who you are NOT interested in, it shows me you do have some interest in whether they are attracted to you or not. If you genuinely not interested in them, why would you even care? And if you unconsciously coming off as desperate in their eyes, who cares? As long as you know you are not. How I come off to people isn’t as important as if I am being the realest version of myself to me. I am open to changing my unconscious behaviors if it’s rude enough that they are asking me to change so long that it doesn’t violate my values. Other than that I just focus on the kind of person I want to become and work on it daily.

    The best way to deal with this is to be 100% yourself (the good, the bad, and the ugly). That way whoever does like you likes the real you. And if she doesn’t (such as in your case), it doesn’t matter. If you applied Leigh’s concept then you should have healthy self-esteem and know you shouldn’t be reaching for someone who doesn’t like the real you anyway.

    I hope I don’t come off as rude. My answer is based on a few assumptions and if it isn’t true please disregard it. Sometimes when I answer people I like to reiterate the key concepts to help remind myself of it as well (hence the lengthy answer).

     

    Hope this helps!

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