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A New Realization for experiencing connection

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  • #23400

    Miguel
    Participant

    <p dir=”ltr”>Preface: I was in my university library (still here, as I’m typing this) –  There was a cutie I wanted to approach  but due to all the hesitation and procrastination and thoughts in my head, that I did – I didn’t approach. I felt extremely bad in the inside after she walked away, like the pain of regret, but with a sting of 10x. I felt so sick inside, I almost broke down crying, lol. I was able to recover pretty quickly and decided to jump on my pages and write a bit of what I had learned, since it was still fresh in my head. I came to a new realization of what connection means to me and I kind of wanted to share it and my feelings after my experience.</p>
    <p dir=”ltr”>If it resonates with anyone, please don’t hesitate in sharing yourself, thank you!</p>
    <p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>What did I learn about myself?</span></p>
    <p dir=”ltr”></p>
    <p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>I still feel that pull that desperation and empty feeling that lacking feeling of not having a woman, or not being able to attract them and bring them into my life. The lack, the emptiness – that pull – I still feel it whenever I don’t have them or can’t bring them into my life. I find that maintaining my standards is difficult because I have that desperate need whether it’d be for validation or to feel good. It’s not always because of sex, but I feel that pull of NEEDING and maintaining that validation from women. The difference I have now, rather then before is that my self-awareness has improved and I can instantly recover, but those slow few minutes of pain are excruciatingly painful. Painful, because you realize the pain of wanting a connection, but still having the old habits and programming of the past, of wanting to experience that connection, validation through dependent channels that people have no vested interest in my happiness. It’s hard because to lean away from is hard. I have improved. I have gotten the knowledge and I have applied it, but now the problem I have is that I must maintain and be consistent.</span></p>
    <b style=”font-weight: normal;”> </b>
    <p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>For me, it gets kind of painful, because I’ve gotten kind of used to expecting immediate results – it’s understandable after getting through</span><span style=”background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;”> the theory because it reflects our moment to moment desires and what we currently desire in the present moment. If what I currently desire is more connection and validation: then what can I do experience connection? </span></p>
    <p dir=”ltr”></p>
    <p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;”>I think we get desperate and needy because we desire connection and what I have been focusing on (sensual, physical,, body, sex ) is what has been making me feel so empty and so much like shit. As I’m writing this, I’ve come to the realization that I have been seeking that connection through sex and I’ve been focusing heavy on that – sex. Sex. sex – Rather than building and cultivating meaningful relationships with other people (including Women). </span></p>
    <p dir=”ltr”></p>
    <p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Truth is, I’ve never been someone that was socially competent enough to build and cultivate friendships with other people. I’ve always been kind of a outcast/loner and have always struggled growing up on making friends (someone like my brother has always been better than me at that), so I’ve always felt that deep internal emptiness and have never been taught how to build those friendships growing up and how to act socially in order to make them. As I’ve never been someone who was socially competent enough to experience connections through socializing, I’ve relied on seeking those deep connections sexually, through having sex with multiple women (escort services, one night stands, FWB). What I’ve come to realize is that these connections are not deep, or meaningful at all… At most it just becomes an experiential moment of pleasure, but that doesn’t fill that internal void. I have always relied on filling that void through having more and more sex, with more and more sexual partners.The more I’ve had, the emptier I’ve felt. Mostly, because they were built on a weak foundation; it’s built on surface level experiences and pure physical pleasure and it was all just fleeting, and it all felt that way because sex was just an expression of the frail relationships that were built. Sex was an inefficient mechanism for me to experience the level of connection I desired, because I was willing to sleep with anyone with a cute face and a pretty smile to feel that way, It was nothing more than an ineffective quick fix.</span></p>
     
    <p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>I’m not sure I have all the answers, but I figure If I change my mechanism of seeking connection through casual sex, rather than focusing and cultivating meaningful relationships with a strong foundation and let sex be an expression of that foundation – not the result.</span></p>
    <p dir=”ltr”></p>
    <p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> I think in order to have a positive impact in my life, I think that I must implement a different mechanism with a complete different focus to experience the level of connection I desire and source that feeling by taking control through the Independent (Doing) Pathway.</span></p>
    <span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> </span>

    #23410

    Anthony Love
    Participant

    I saw you were enrolled in Insight. If you know what deeply moves you, why haven’t you spoken about it with one of the women you’ve had sex with? I got a prostitute once. It’s funny. I was timid about talking to the woman at my job that i had sex with and i got upset and got a prostitute.

     

    I felt empty doing it. I connected with her afterwards (I think) I told her about some stuff i was into and sex books and relationship stuff. She said, “Yeah guys really don’t know how to be in relationships. She asked for my number when i asked her if she ever experienced  a nipple orgasm so i could teach her some things about sex that I’ve read. She seemed into it.

     

    I didn’t even go for that, and creating more fulfilling relationships is something I care about.

     

    I’d suggest opening up to strangers or go to where you know your tribe of people are. I’m really into meditation. It helps me with a lot of stuff. To connect, i would have to go to a meditation center. You can do the same if you’ve created a vision for your life.

     

    Most people I’ve told the wildest things to don’t care. I had no idea i was getting good at being open it made me super attractive to women i just talked to. It will work for you.

    #23449

    Miguel
    Participant

    Hey Anthony, apologize for the late, late reply…

    But, yeah, your experience pretty much describes the entire experiences and encounters with women: emptiness.

    I feel like I’ve always tried to open up to people and it’s been something that I’ve tried to work on, but I just find myself being closed down, even often times I can feel that many of those attempts to do so would only further alienate people I wanted to connect with. And the issue (for anyone who has experienced Social Anxiety like myself) is it can be conflicting because I love connecting with people, but because of being the anxiety it becomes a struggle to express myself.

    But beyond that, I don’t want to make the anxiety a bigger issue then it is, so I’m happy to move beyond it- what suggestions would you have for someone like myself? Or just advice on how to open up in general?

    Thank You, Brother.

     

    #23454

    Anthony Love
    Participant

    I’m not the one you should ask for advice, but I’d say start with a therapist. It’s a safe place to be free, open and Expressive. Try is a bad word According to Logan. You must do.

    I see two big issues.

    1. Are you meditating daily and being present so you don’t experience social anxiety?

    You can’t focus on her if your in you’re head.

    2. Have you done any work to discover what underlining reasons are causing you to be closed?

    Ask yourself, I’m scared or anxious about being open because ____________?

    People will think I’m weird = psychological dependence

    To many people around = environmental dependence

    You might be causing your anxiety.

    Just my thoughts.

     

     

    My biggest problem is becoming the man I want to become. And talking to women whom give me signals.

     

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