Vulnerable means to show yourself to others completely and utterly without holding back for fear of rejection or judgment. It means to say “here I am, flesh and bones. Here are my strengths, here are my weaknesses, here is where I stand-take it or leave it”
Despite what most dating “gurus” would say, it is very attractive to be vulnerable. The reason it doesn’t work for them is that they draw in low self-esteem women who only want guys who treat them badly – like the way they treat themselves.
In order for you to be vulnerable with someone, you must first be able to be completely honest with yourself.
With all the self-help, reprogrammed, affirmation driven minds out there in the dating community honesty tends to fall off to the wayside.
Every issue that comes to the surface is quickly repressed with an affirmation or two – it’s a positive way of telling yourself to shut up. Repression leads to many unhealthy behaviours.
*note: Affirmations aren’t bad in of themselves just the way most people use them for vulnerability to be an attractive quality there must be a couple things inline:
1. Love and accept every part of yourself
2. Not being needy and looking to see if it’s OK with her
3. Not being a victim to your vulnerable side
People will be OK with anything that you are ok with it and that includes the darker side of yourself. If you still judge yourself, they too will judge you too. They will pick up of on your fears, insecurity and judgments and pounce on them.
You must first go in and love and accept every part of yourself. Loving exactly what’s going inside of you doesn’t mean having the desire to change those things.
It’s not a self-help technique to try to improve because you are perfect already, you just need to realize it – “I’m perfect with all of my flaws, fears, doubts and insecurities” Ironically, loving yourself and not trying to improve them will cause you to improve the most.
Whenever you judge yourself for anything do the following:
1. Know that it’s only the ego that judges, not the true you beyond your mind
2. Say the following affirmation “I love and accept myself completely just the way I am”
“Not being needy and looking to see if it’s OK with her” Once you truly love and accept a part of yourself you no longer fear others judgments (good or bad) because you no longer judge yourself.
We only fear the judgments of others if we judge ourselves for it FIRST. Neediness in the area of being vulnerable will only come if we want external validation from someone else, a desire to be told that it’s OK to feel this way.
Accepting the way you are, doesn’t mean you become a victim to your flaws. You don’t sit there and complain about or fell victim to them – that’s not accepting them, that’s being a poor me (a person who takes little or no response-ability for their lives) Taking charge of life is what a man is and what attracts women to us. Becoming a victim to ANYTHING is going to kill the attraction.
Many, many, many people fear to be vulnerable to others and, as a result, hold back. Often when you are vulnerable with another person they see themselves in you and will react negatively and attack. They do this because they don’t like what they see in you because they don’t like it in themselves and judge very harshly. If this happens, just know that it is not about you and that you are truly loved.
Another reason people hold back from being vulnerable with each other is the fact that they don’t know how to own their own strength. Whenever we give our power away to others and take crap from them, it closes our hearts and causes us to pull back. It’s painful to be open with someone and have them take advantage or them treat us not so nicely.
We must get the yellow chakra down first (owning strength) before we can open our hearts. Think back to your first love and how much you gave your power away to them. You let them get away with things and it hurt pretty badly. In order to avoid not feel this pain again, we stop being vulnerable to people and close ourselves off. Often people think it’s because they loved too much that they got hurt. It wasn’t their heart that was the problem it was that they didn’t own their strength.
I don’t fear opening my heart up to people and becoming completely vulnerable with them. I don’t fear this because I know I won’t get taken advantage of because I don’t give my power away to other people. I can be as free as I want to and not worry because the second someone tries to play games with me I will put an end to it. I don’t end up feeling stupid afterwards and close my heart because I don’t take crap from people.
Letting go of the past and learning to own your strength in order to be vulnerable in life is the greatest thing you can do for yourself. It will help you find your vision of your perfect life, set boundaries in your relationships, overcome your fear of commitment, reduce your anxiety, and so much more. Not being who you are on the inside is very lonely. Ironically the loneliness is the same loneliness that most everyone else suffers from. Let the walls come down and share the gift of you with everyone.
24 thoughts on “Being Vulnerable and Increasing the Attraction”
I actually like vulnerability, it’s good to know I’m talking to a human and we can just be ourselves–that is the most admirable trait I can think o someone who stays true to themselves and doesn’t succumb to outside pressure. True love only exists when we’re being true.
It is very attractive 😉 and the definition of true strength…
I love your article!
Great to hear Simi.
This is a great article. It would be amazing if it was proofread before it was published.
Thanks Alex. Very good read, and so true – enjoyed it.
I haven’t read too far into the article, because I got too excited. I love what you are saying since it speaks such a huge truth for me. I’m a woman and I honestly utterly melt from the inside when someone is being truly vulnerable. And when they are not I feel this sense of chilling cool and unrealness. And I also believe that women have to learn to be vulnerable just the same – it is not vulnerable to be “weak” all the time. It is also a question of vulnerability to show your warrior energy.
Hmm, but in the end – from which side ever you approach this – if it is the suppressed female or the suppressed male aspects – in the end you will have to accept yourself to be a whole person, to become vulnerable, to become alive.
Thank you, Sincerely, Thank you.
Wow, Leigh, you are amazing! I was looking for info on how to be a more vulnerable woman and my quest led me here. So glad it did!
It’s interesting how it works the same for men and women. Now it is clear to me that being vulnerable is being yourself at all times and loving yourself unconditionally.
So well-written and uplifting! Thank you.
Thanks Anana but I can’t take credit for this one. One of our old contributors wrote it – Alex. He’s not around any more but I’ll be sure to pass on your thoughts.
So basically, it’s ok to be vulnerable, as long as you’re secure with your own shortcomings and insecurities. In other words, it’s ok to open up about things you’re not vulnerable about. That’s really not helpful.
Meaningful opening up involves bringing out those areas where we *are* insecure, so that others can accept us in order to teach us to accept ourselves. That’s the idea, anyway. Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen very often. When someone opens up to us, we see red flags, we get scared, we push them away. I try hard to let people be open with me, but I’d be lying if I said it never pushed me away. Being able to open up takes 2, and I don’t know how to make the situation better… but I truly believe that telling people to “just be vulnerable” is not the way.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts mate.
There’s something in there that I don’t understand: You say that ‘being able to open up takes 2’, but I don’t understand that. How does the way that someone else responds to you determine how much you can open up?
Sure, they might not like what you have to say, but how does that change your ability to say it?
Could you give an example or two, specifically, as to what would be considered “vulnerable” as a female to a male’s perspective? I’ve wondered this for years and although a successful, attractive female I can’t figure it out. Do you mean vulnerable as in “flat tire situation” or in a different way?
I was doing a lot of soul searching and I realised that we lost our innate comfort in being vulnerable after being repetitively hurt. Maybe that is the case for me but I think it is for most people. As children we depend on others solely and if they neglect us we stop being vulnerable and develop defences. For me the way to get back to feeling safe and also being vulnerable is to really dig deep and try to tap into that innocent soul that had no defences and place that into the body of who you are today. For some people that might even take years of conscious practise but being vulnerable is the most beautiful thing in the world.
Thekla that’s beautiful! I try to retrain my self-understanding and acceptance with these concepts but it’s true; we develop our defenses young when we grow up in troubled families.
I think that women as well as men need to stop seeking approval from each other. I don’t think it’s a gender thing — I think humans are a bullying species and we beat up on our own as much as we ‘man’-handle the rest of the planet. We’re aggressive. I don’t mean that as a rant against humans, just saying, we’re learning and evolving to be kinder to each other and it’s good because everything’s connected.
Anyway — great article. Thanks 🙂
Hope you can help me to understand a comment that was made to me today:
I was introduced to a lady for the first time whilst I was at wrk, who was very pleasant and lovely, after our casual meeting, I’d asked my colleague that whether her friend made any comment about me or thought I was a complete nutter lol!
And in return the comment made was: ” she thinks that I come across confident on the outside but in the inside I’m quite vulnerable”!
I’m not sure if this is a compliment or whether this is good/bad thing??
Could you re-interpret for me please ..not sure on his to understand this comment???
This is brilliant!!! And what I needed to hear my entire life… I’ll be completely open from now on.. Thank you for sharing this, you’re a true blessing. And I can’t wait to find a man as open as you describe – so excited!!!! 😀 God bless you for the brand new hope you’ve given me, even though this article was intended for man, it was so helpful to me as a woman too. Xoxo!!!
This is interesting. I agree about working to accept ourselves and own our strength. But I also agree when you’ve reached that point, the issue has lost its power and you aren’t truly vulnerable in revealing it.
Being truly vulnerable is revealing something that you haven’t fully accepted of yourself, something which still has power over you. It’s saying, “I’m still hurting over x, it shames me.” You aren’t looking for validation really. You’re looking for someone who’ll say, “I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. But it doesn’t negate any of the wonderful qualities I love about you. I accept you wholly and will stand by you while you work through it.” THAT is being vulnerable and finding the right kind of validation.
I totally agree. I showed my vunrebility 6 month into a relationship. My girlfriend who had slept arround so much she couldn’t remember how many. All unprotected sex Evan with married me. Asked me if I’d ever been to a brothel. I was honest with her and said 3 times when I was single, as I believed it was safer than all her 1 night stands. ( I could have lied and said no, but I trusted her with the truth)
We couldn’t work things out and split.
Her reaction to my honesty, still hurts now. So much so that I have tried taking my own life.
So been vunerable doesn’t always pay, as you may not always be accepted.
A Google search lead me to this, except I am a female who is feeling vulnerable. Good Lord, can you imagine anyone giving this advice to a female? But you know what, it’s baloney for men as well.
Don’t try to improve yourself because you are already perfect? Pfffft. That might stroke your ego, but it ain’t gonna get anything else stroked. A sexy man is always improving himself.
Let’s face it. When looking for a partner, we ALL are looking for someone who wants to be the best person he or she can be, and the complacency of someone not trying to be the best person he or she can be is a total turnoff. It means the person has given on him or herself.
No one wants an ass kisser, but trying to be your best versus someone else’s idea of best is not the same thing. Anyone fighting for their dreams and passions is gloriously sexy. As a woman, I don’t want a man trying to prove himself to me. What I do want is him to be spending his time making his dreams come true. That takes work, commitment, and discipline. And frequently, guess what? Self improvement.
You don’t happen to live in Spokane do you? Lol, you sound a lot like my ex-girlfriend.
Great post, I read it twice. 🙂
A man with dreams needs a woman with vision. And vice-versa.
Gettin’ a boner. This was a REALLY good read 🙂
Nicely written. Very informative, but no. I will not be vulnerable. That is weakness and only the strong survive.
The small contradiction….
1. Love and accept every part of yourself
2. Not being needy….
But if neediness is a part of that person, than how can one love and accept his neediness, but also reject it in the same time ?
The idea is to love yourself truly. If that is true, you don’t “need” anyone or anything to ultimately be happy. You can use your own strength and determination to accomplish what you want and be with whomever makes you happy. If you rely on others to feel happiness, you don’t really love yourself. A self loving person will not give up or settle, but learn, grow and become stronger. Nobody but you can determine what will make you happy!
Great article! You have highlighted so many wonderful reasons to focus on being more vulnerable in life. In addition to your wonderful article, we offer intention wallpapers for phones, smart watches and desktops around vulnerability so that one can focus on this more throughout the day. We look at our phone around 80+ times to it is a great way to be reminded to be more vulnerable.