Becoming a Man used to be simple. All it took was some hairs on your chest, a few quick conquests behind the bleachers, and wage substantial enough to support a modest mortgage while your wife prepared your love nest for the arrival of the first new member of your family.
Ohhh, how times have changed.
Our modern world presents continually shifting and conflicting images of the modern man that range from skinny-jeaned, roll-your-own smoking, craft beer drinking, hipster artists who debate philosophy and politics over macchiato’s to broad-shouldered, leathery-skinned, pickup-driving, construction workers with a degree in pig hunting and bourbon drinking.
And people wonder why aspiring men are suffering through an identity crisis???
The core of this crisis is born out of their struggle to answer two simple questions:
- What is a modern man?
- How do you become one?
The truth that’s taken society a long time to wrap our heads around is that there’s more than one path to walk. We’ve come to realize that masculinity isn’t defined by what you do. It’s not defined by the size of your truck, the tightness of your black jeans, or the number of zeros in your weekly pay cheque. Your masculinity is defined by the subtle mental processes operating behind the decisions and actions. It’s defined by the why and
And it’s these why’s and how’s that are listed below.
NOTE: When I’m talking about a Man, I’m not referring to an adult male. Being a Man has nothing to do with age. Whether or not you’re a Man is determined by your mindset, regardless of age.
Trait 1. Boys claim. Men do.
Boys are the ones telling you about how many chicks they’ve hooked up with or how much money they earn or how many trophies they won or how cool they are. They brag and claim and yell as loud as they can so that everyone knows how important / successful / good they are can validate them accordingly.
Men, on the other hand, are just doing what they want and don’t care what anyone thinks about it. They’re not talking about all the beautiful women they hook up with; they’re out meeting beautiful women. They’re not talking about how many trophies they’ve won; they’re out winning trophies.
Men know how transient, empty, and unfulfilling other peoples praise is and so work to find the only long lasting source of happiness – creation through action.
Trait 2. Boys find reasons why they can’t. Men find ways they can.
Boys are the ones who’re focussing any potential barriers that could get in the way and finding ways to use them as an excuse not to push themselves outside their comfort zone:
- “Hot women get approached all the time…”
- “I don’t have enough information…”
- “I’m not ready yet…”
And if there’s nothing to blame, they create barriers:
- “It’s too early / close to lunch / dark / late / sunny…”
- “I don’t have enough time…”
- “There’s too many people…”
Men are the ones that are finding ways to take action, despite the barriers in their way. They’re the ones finding ways to lean over their edge and push their boundaries, despite the obstacles that they encounter:
- “I’ll wake up half an hour earlier.”
- “I’ll save for a week.”
- “I’ll just ask her to take her earphones out.”
Men know that if they’re ever going to create the life they want, they have to make it happen and so get off their arse and do it.
Trait 3. Boys do what’s easy. Men do what’s right.
Boys always look for the easy way out. Boys are so terrified of hard work that they look for the effort-free solution that means they can get out of work with the least amount of pain and exertion. Boys want the 5 minute, magic bullet, quick fix solution that will give them instant results without breaking a sweat.
Men look for the ‘right’ solution, regardless of how hard it is. They’re not looking to get away with doing as little as possible. They want to do what’s right, irrespective of the amount of effort they have to put in. Men want the morally sound, honest, authentic solution that gives them real, long-term results, equivalent to the amount of work they put in.
Men know that every action they take contributes to the kind of world they live in and as they want to live in a world where people do what’s right, they set the example.
Trait 4. Boys blame other people for what they contributed. Men take responsibility for what they contributed.
Boys focus externally on what other people contributed to their problems and how they should have acted differently. Instead of looking at how they created the situation and what they contributed, they try to avoid all responsibility and turn their focus outwards to find someone or something to blame.
- “She shouldn’t have been rude to me. What a bitch!”
- “You shouldn’t have given me so much work to do.”
- “It failed because no-one would give me a chance.”
Men focus internally on what they contributed and what they could have done different next time. They acknowledge that there are many different elements that contribute to any outcome and any situation, but are also consciously aware that blaming anyone or anything else is never going to help them build the life they want,.
- “I shouldn’t have approached her because she clearly didn’t want to talk to people.”
- “I should have managed my time better.”
- “I needed to make my offer more appealing.”
Men know that they only way to create the life they want is to focus on what they create and so maintain their focus there.
Trait 5. Boys run away from pain. Men move towards pleasure.
Boys spend their time scanning their world for potential problems or sources of pain and fear and run away from them.
- “She could reject me so I won’t talk to her.”
- “I might fail so I won’t try.”
- “They might judge me so I won’t express myself.”
Men spend their time looking for ways they can experience what they want and move towards them.
- “I could connect with her so I’m going to approach.”
- “I could learn something new so I’m going to try.”
- “I love feeling free so I’m going to express myself.”
Men know the best life you can ever hope to achieve by running away from pain is neutrality and so consciously focus on fulfilling their deep desires.
Trait 6. Boys complain that the world isn’t fair. Men just go after what they want.
Boys sit around claiming that they’re had it tougher / harder than everyone else and that the world has treated the differently through no fault of their own. Boys take the victim mentality and assign responsibility for their life situation to people, outcomes, and events outside their control.
- “I didn’t have a father to teach me…”
- “I’m not tall enough…”
- “I didn’t get success when I was younger…”
Men just focus on what they want and keep moving forward, regardless of how fair or unfair the world might appear.
- “I didn’t have a father to teach me so I’m going to work it out for myself.”
- “I might not be tall enough but I’m definitely going to be loud enough.”
- “I didn’t have success when I was younger so I’m going to make sure I do now.”
Men know that fairness is an illusion and the world will continue to throw you curve balls and the only way you can ever have what you want is to get out and create it.
Trait 7. Boys seek permission from others. Men give permission to themselves.
Boys wait for their friends to laugh at their jokes, or women to give them ‘the look’, or their boss to invite them to share their ideas before stepping up to the plate and doing what they want.
Men stand up and do what they want, regardless of what other people think, because of the permission they give themselves. They’re not waiting for a polite smile or an encouraging gesture, they take responsibility for their life and do what they need to do.
Men know that even if they were able to get permission from everyone around them, they would still have to give themselves permission to act on other peoples permission so they may as well just give it to themselves first.
Trait 8. Boys need more time to be ready. Men need more challenges to overcome.
Boys use their lack of… anything… as a reason for not taking action. It could be information, time, practice, money, status, hats or Siberian climbing bears. Most of the time, it doesn’t matter what it is because what they’re lacking isn’t the reason they’re not taking action. They’re hunting for a reason to not take action and will use anything they can even partially justify as an excuse to avoid facing their fears.
Men are out in the field, taking action, pushing through barriers, challenging their limiting beliefs, and proving they can take on whatever the world throws at them. This not only leaves them with a sense of control over their life and a feeling of freedom but also a hunger to find more challenges to overcome.
Trait 9. Boys repress. Men express.
Boys hide their thoughts/emotions/experiences and/or desires. They repress them and follow the safe path of agreeing with the social norm so they don’t get outcast. Boys project a socially acceptable façade that they use to blend into the homogeneous mass of humanity they struggle through every day.
Men express their thoughts / emotions / experiences and/or desires. They share them openly and freely with all those they deem worthy of hearing them because they know that it’s the only way to ever create the life they want.
Trait 10. Boys blame others for their life situation. Men take responsibility for their life situation.
Boys sit around blaming other people / events / their genes, or anything else outside their control for their situation in life. They blame their parents / their upbringing / their height / their ethnicity for their lack of success for where they are.
Men acknowledge the decisions they made and what they contributed that’s led them to where they are now. They acknowledge that external elements have contributed but focus solely on what they could have done differently.
Men know that they only way to be in control of their future is to take responsibility for their past and so set themselves a solid foundation.
Trait 11. Boys hide from fear. Men embrace their fear.
When a boy experiences fear, he turns and run. He knows that his fear is a sign that he could experience pain, anxiety, rejection, judgement and failure and avoids it at all costs.
When a Man experiences fear, he steps towards it. He knows that his fear is a sign that he’s about to expand his perceived limitations and learn something new about himself and so he embraces it with open arms.
Trait 12. Boys want to be right. Men want to be good.
Boys are so afraid of being proven wrong that they search for information that proves how right they are. They collect everything that ‘proves’ that what they’re saying is right and discard anything that could contradict their beliefs and opinions.
Men are so driven to becoming great at whatever they do that they constantly search for information that proves them wrong. They read books, join forums, conduct tests, and invite criticism in the hope they can find a hole or flaw in their theory.
Men know that when they find evidence that contradicts their beliefs, they’ll learn something profound and new and so seek it out.
Trait 13. Boys are intimidated by the success of others. Men are inspired by the success of others.
When a boy hears about someone else succeeding, he gets nervous, intimidated, and scared. He thinks that now his chance is gone and he’ll never get what he wants. He looks at himself and asks “Why not me? What’s wrong with me?”
When a Man hears about the success of others, he gets excited, inspired, and driven. He sees that his dreams are possible and celebrates that someone has already laid down the roadmap. He looks at himself and asks “Why not me? If he can do it, so can I!”
Men know that their potential isn’t stifled by the success of others, in fact, it’s expanded by the success of others, and so celebrate it at every chance.
Trait 14. Boys run from insecurities. Men step through insecurities.
When a boy feels his insecurities rising, he turns and runs. He represses them, hides from them, covers them up, or tries to ignore them. He’s so worried about being judged on them that he conceals them from the light of day.
When Men feel their insecurities rising, they step towards them. They seek them out and step through whatever their insecure about so they can see whatever is on the other side.
Men know that their insecurities highlight the areas of their life where they have the most potential to grow and so seek them out.
Trait 15. Boys live the life they’re told is right. Men live the life they believe is right.
Boys look outside themselves for guidance on how to live their life and where to take it. They ask their parents, their friends, watch the TV, and listen to the radio. They take their instructions from movies and imitate celebrity idols.
Men look inside themselves to work out how to life their life. They acknowledge that other people have their own visions and desires but they also have their own. They may look at what other people are doing but filter it all through the lens of “Does this feel right to me?” rather than just following it blindly.
This doesn’t mean a Man doesn’t seek advice. He still seeks information and ideas from around him, but that information is about how he can do what he wants, not what he should want.
Men know that the only way to experience the happiness and fulfilment they want is to live their life on their terms and so they’re constantly checking in with themselves to make sure they’re doing the right thing.
Trait 16. Boys are scared of failure. Men actively push to failure.
Boys run from the possibility of failure. If they find a situation where things could go pear shaped and they could be left with egg on their face, they run in the other direction so they don’t have to face the possibility that they’re not as great as they tell other people they are
Men run towards the possibility of failure. If they find a situation where things could go pear shaped and they could be left with egg on their face, they step towards it. Men are always trying to be as powerful and strong as possible and they know that they will never know their true potential till they push beyond their limits and explore exactly what they can and can’t currently do..
After all, you don’t know where the line is until you’ve crossed it.
Trait 17. Boys seek validation. Men give validation.
Boys look outwards to find validation and a sense of self worth. They look to their friends to acknowledge their successes, they look to women to acknowledge their manliness, they look to their father to acknowledge their achievements.
Men don’t rely on positive feedback from the outside world to feel strong and powerful, because they validate themselves through the way they live their life. Men have all the validation they need from inside and so are free to give it to those around them.
Trait 18. Boys try to work out who’s responsible for the problem. Men try to work out how they can be responsible for the solution.
Boys are always looking to assign blame – to other people, the media, some minority group who’re the flavour of the month. They’re so insecure about their own sense of self worth that they need to find someone else to pin their problems on so they don’t damage their fragile self-confidence.
Men accept that the situation exists and search for solutions. Instead of wasting their time trying to pin the outcome of a situation that had many different elements contributing to it, they simply look for a way to resolve it and move towards the life they want.
Trait 19. Boys feel good when they put other people below them. Men feel good when they lift other people up.
A boy’s sense of self-worth is defined by how many people he perceives himself as being better than. He believes that if he can get above enough people, then that will mean he’s valuable, important, and powerful and he’ll start to get respected.
A Man’s sense of self-worth is defined by how he lives his life, regardless of how many people are above of below him. He knows that if he can look himself in the mirror at the end of the day and honestly say that he did what was true to him and he lived his life with integrity, he will feel good about himself. Because of this, he lifts other people up so they can feel their own greatness.
Trait 20. Boys read lists to work out whether they’re a Man. Men do what they want, when they want to, and read shitty ‘Man lists’ for a laugh.
Boys are always looking for tools to prove how good/accomplished/successful/powerful they are. They’re looking for external sources of validation to prove that they’re valuable human beings who should be treated with respect and admiration. This includes reading poorly thought out lists on low-quality personal development websites 🙂
Men get their sense of self-worth and personal value from the way they live their life and so don’t need lists to confirm that they’re doing things the ‘right’ way. They might read these lists and have a laugh at all the poor decisions they’ve made in their past (or are even makingtoday in moments of weakness), but they don’t need these lists to validate their life choices. They sense of personal satisfaction and fulfilment they feel when they go to bed every night lets them know they’re on the right track.
NOTE: One important thing to remember is that these are not stand alone elements. If you want to take one item out of context and debate it by coming up with ridiculous hypothetical situations which no-one reading this list will ever face in their entire life, then please do so. I probably won’t respond but it will make for interesting read. If, on the other hand, you have a genuine question or think I’ve left something off the list, please let it below.
“Are you a boy or a Man?” is not the right question
The separation between a Man and a boy isn’t defined by the number of women you’ve slept with or the amount of money you earn. You can’t separate a Man from a boy by the type of clothes you wear or how many trophies you have stacked on your mantlepiece.
What separates a boy from a Man is how you choose to live your life. It’s the moment by moment decisions you make as you’re standing in the tough, challenging, and often scary situations that every person goes through on your life journey. And it’s the fact that your boy-ness or man-ness is defined by these ever-changing, moment-by-moment decisions that mean you can never finally and completely attain the title boy or man. Your mindset and the decision-making framework are constantly shifting and so, therefore, so is your boy-ness or man-ness.
“Are you a boy or a man?” is not the right question because you can never become a man or a boy, you are only ever being a man or a boy.
In any moment, you are either choosing the boy mentality of blaming others for your life situation and demanding they give you everything they’ve ever told you that you desired or you’re choosing the man mentality of taking responsibility for your current life situation and actively creating an intrinsically rewarding reality.
It’s a choice, and your making that choice, moment by moment.
So, the question you need to answer is: In this moment, are you choosing boy mentality or man mentality?
And what about this moment?
And this moment?
And this moment?
How are you going to live your life? It’s your life and your choice.
EDIT: As I think of any more, I’ll add them down here.
Trait 21: Boys are controlled by their emotions. Men are driven by their desires.
If a boy feels anger/frustration/lust/anxiety, he lets it take control. It becomes his sole focus as he allows it to dictate his actions, thoughts, and words. He becomes a slave to the emotion until he can purge it from his body.
Men are different. Instead of allowing their emotions to rule their life, they look beyond their emotions to the desires underneath. Instead of reacting to their anger, they look beyond that anger to the desire to be strong, powerful, and in-control and take action from that place.
Instead of reacting to their anxiety, they look beyond their anxiety to their desire to be free and open and take action from that place.
Trait 22: Boys justify their inadequacies. Men challenge their inadequacies.
If a boy feels like he’s lacking or inadequate in any area of his life, he looks for ways to justify that inadequacy. He cites theories or evolution, psychological constructs and past experiences as reasons why that inadequacy exists and how it’s completely justified for him to be inadequate.
If a Man feels like he’s lacking or inadequate in any area of his like, he looks for ways to challenge and overcome his perceived inadequacy. He looks for tools and ideas he can use to become stronger, more confident, more like the kind of Man he wants to be, regardless of the justifications that make it ok for him to be inadequate in that area of his life.
Men know the pain and frustration they cause themselves by allowing their inadequacies to exist and take full responsibility for that pain. This drives them to eliminate that pain from its source and create a happier, more fulfilling life in the process.
84 thoughts on “Are you a boy or a Man? Your 20 + 2 point checklist”
Great article, as usual, man! Just a quick fix: The headline of bullet point 10 is not bolded.
Of course I will be a man!
Thanks for the heads up mate.
Glad you liked the article.
you just changed my inner side! I was living like a boy! I am going to be a man now !
can’t explain what am i feeling…but its life changing article for me! bless you
This is complete bullshit: The Problem is that you were raised by a single mother to become a pussy whipped Man child.
You seem very focussed on blaming someone else for your position in life rather than taking responsibility for what you contributed (Point 4 and 10).
I read this shitty “Man” list for a laugh. 😉
I’ll do these things someday, when I have a Siberian climbing bear or two.
Till then, I’ll sit in my room and play Nintendo.
If you’re in the market, I’ll sell you one. Going cheap. PM me if interested.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Asking price?
14.8 yards of Gypsy tears. Marked down from 26.
#21 is the capstone for me. I’m thinkin a guy’s greatest power is in controlling his emotions.
Just reading the 21 headings is a great reminder. Very empowering.
I might include the reading of them in my daily morning ritual.
Awesome mate. I’m glad you got something out of it.
It’s funny that even as I was writing it, I was able to think back to areas of my life where I wasn’t living these 100%, just because I’d been slack in reminding myself about these. I think daily reminders are a great way to go.
Boys just Imagine. Men also create.
So do men start the oil covered circle jerk or do I call a priest ?
I don’t get it.
“Where have all the real men gone???”
Tough to become a “real man” living in a feminine society that actively discourages such. Women don’t need all of that anymore they won their independence so what motivation is there to “man up”?
For me, the motivation to ‘man up’ comes from me wanting to be the strongest, most independent, most powerful version of myself, regardless of what anyone else tells me to do. I don’t want to, and have never wanted to, live my life based on what other people tell me to do. I’ve always wanted to be the kind of Man that I want to be, completely independently of what other people told me.
I don’t know about you but that’s where my drive comes from.
Really? Are you seriously asking this fucking question? The motive to become a real man is for yourself. Damn what everyone else is talking about!
Great list, but I would like to point out #20 contradicts point #12. Considering this is kind of like a self help website, real “men” would ignore this list, yet point #12 makes the point he would look at this.
Glad you enjoyed it.
When I was writing it, I thought about that but also dismissed it because a ‘Man’ doesn’t claim that he’s a ‘Man’ and so doesn’t seek out information proving or disproving his belief. He’s just living his life.
Point 12 is more about theories and information about life rather than personal opinions about yourself.
This “guide” is beyond retard.
While I agree on many points, why did you have to put list of 20+ points that basically say the same thing? And then on point 20 you look down upon what you call “boys” which you intend to help?!
Obviously this isn’t going to help at all because all you’re saying is that supposedly “men” are better and stronger than “boys”, without informing anything concrete to improve on.
Also, where are all women instead of girls then? And what makes females think they can demand men? But I guess I can’t ask that very important question because then I’m declared a boy.
You’re right, I didn’t need 20 points. I actually only needed one – Dependence vs. Independence. But, if I just put one, then guys struggle to see how that one point plays in many different areas of their life. So, I put 20 so that can see all the different ways this point appears in their life.
And the last point isn’t me looking down on other people. It’s designed to start the conversation about how you make the transition from boy to Man which I’ll cover in the next article.
There was also no insinuation that boys were better than Men. ‘Boy’ mentality is just one way of looking at the world. Just in the say way that ‘Man’ mentality is just one way of looking at the world. Neither is better or worse, they’re just different. The question you have to ask yourself is: which is going to help me create the life that I want?
I don’t know if you’ve read much about the site but this is a website helping Men attract women. It’s not a general dating advice website for both sexes. It’s specifically designed for Men. If I were to write an article about for women, it would be as useless as writing an article about cats. But, that’s not the main point here because you’ve raised something that’s not even covered in the article and it appears as though you’re using it as a reason to justify your position… Might be something there worth looking at, if you’re interested.
“There was also no insinuation that boys were better than Men. ‘Boy’ mentality is just one way of looking at the world. Just in the say way that ‘Man’ mentality is just one way of looking at the world. Neither is better or worse, they’re just different. The question you have to ask yourself is: which is going to help me create the life that I want?”
Boy mentality all the way.
If we’re all Men, LoGun’s outta business!
Great reply mate!!
He’s not looking down on them in point 20, he’s just saying if you’re a Man and living an internally validated then you don’t need this list to tell, you feel it within yourself.
It’s a checklist to help guys tell where they are in their journey to growing and maturing.
And what specific concrete evidence are you looking for?
If you look at the way males live their lives today, there are general patterns in needy/dependent boys, and general patterns in non-needy/independent men.
It’s easy to tell when you’re aware of it.
And honestly, there aren’t that many real powerful women either. There are a lot of boys and girls running around. The infantile side of us pulls strongly if let it control us.
hey man, you know when the first podcast of “ask me anything” will be ready??
Soon mate. I’m just trying to organise the coaches.
“Men express their thoughts / emotions / experiences and/or desires. They share them openly and freely with all those they deem worthy of hearing them because they know that it’s the only way to ever create the life they want”
This is why I´ve been to shelter myself for so many years. Since I was a kid I naturally did that and through bad experiences I shelter myself because everybody told me that I was “to deep”. And no, I wasn´t seeking approval because I didn`t know what approval was.
The thing is if you express something that is deep you feel vulnerable and you want to be understood (that´s why you express it to other people and you want to relate to someone who think as you do, and of course you consider this as an outcome, not only an expression), but I tend not to be heard and I repress myself.
The big question is: Is it possible to feel vulnerable and powerful at the same time while expressing my deepest thoughts?How?
How can I create the life I want if there´s no people who I thought they deem worthy of hearing my emotions?. I´m tired of having to be carreful all the time about this.
Great question mate.
The simple answer is that you need to find people who’re ready to deal with your full expression. They’re out there. I know it might not seem like it, but they are.
There are people who want to get deep, to understand themselves and the world, to question the norms and look from the inside out.
I know this because I used to be in the same position as you and had to go and find ‘my people’. It took a while but I did. And you can too. You just have to be dedicated to the journey and not give up.
As the Presets would say…
That’s what AI is for, “My people” or Leigh’s people. It’s easy to be caught up in: feel vulnerable- express emotions- be misheard or unheard- be judged (or feel judged)- feel powerless.
AI is all about empowering men without placing unnecessary pressure on them like the seduction community does. No “one size fits all” approach about it. Once you’ve expressed enough, you can gauge where to leave your mark (or find a niche where there’s no walking on eggshells).
Oh, and Leigh has a great point. Instead of seeing those who mishear, are deaf to you or judge you as such, see them as “not yet ready for me” and use your newfound power to give to them and help them without seeking approval at all.
What’s up Leigh?
I liked this text. I think the main difference that separates a man from a boy is that one is responsible for his life, the other don’t.
But I want to ask you a question. This validation that you referred to in text, is an internal validation, external or what man?
This text is great.
Glad you liked it mate.
I was talking about internal for the Man and external for the boys.
As usual, Leigh did an awesome job in differentiating men and boys. Loved it and laughed it.
I’ve been experimenting with the whole honesty and getting real thing.
Seems the girl I’m seeing now has a shit load of problems.
Daughter was stolen away from her by her mom
Family hates her
Last… well seven boyfriends think they’re vampires, dragons,
werewolves, gods themselves, or some other mythological
Claims I’m the only normal
“Last… well seven boyfriends think they’re vampires, dragons,
werewolves, gods themselves, or some other mythological
Wow, that sounds like some severe type of delusional schizophrenia to me. Geez…
Point 21 is what I agree with most. After spending many months thinking about this stuff and going through internal changes, the only way I’ve been able to approach a girl is to “want” to approach her more than I’m “afraid” of approaching her. When I do this, action becomes possible rather than impossible. There is sometimes still a twinge of hesitation but instead of resisting that, I accept it’s there and say to myself “go talk to her completely willingly and enthusiastically like it’s the most fun and normal thing in the world. Then deal with the emotional trauma AFTERWARDS.”
I call this Explosive Desire lol
But seriously, I think our growth occurs between challenges and approaches, not during them, like your body strengthens between workouts not during workouts. It’s the rest period, the “dealing with” that makes the next time easier.
You’re not the first person to comment on that one. It’s interesting.
Just make sure you keep your ‘explosive desire’under control mate. You don’t want to get charged with anything… 🙂
Don’t worry, I have a liberal supply of tissues on me at all times.
When I make a mess of a women’s tits, I always help her clean up. I think it’s called being a gentleman.
You are such a gentleman…
I couldn’t agree more with the list. From a female perspective, I adore the qualities of Leigh’s Man in a man. It’s also true that the power of finding a Man lies in us. As for those “Self-help” skeptics out there, “THIS thing” WORKS! I’m seeing results and am determined to get 100% of all I want (a Man included) in life and continue for more. I see the feedback of my work even in the type of men I attract and what changes I need to make to move up higher toward the Man scale. Inspiration people like Leigh provide with the work like this is also a testimonial of this growth. Thank you.
Beautiful word Anana… Mostly because they praise me. But the other stuff you wrote is good as well 😉
Great to get a woman’s perspective on this. It felt right whilst I was writing it and I know this is the kind of Man my female friends would adore but you never know until you start getting more feedback from outside your small little circle.
Good luck on your journey.
Good list and one that could be used as a checklist for when we fall into boyish behaviour, any man will admit he does this from time to time,or daily even.
Point 20 got me. Hilarious and I must admit, the actual reason I read the list but it has more value than that for anyone who thinks he is a man but is also humble.
Glad you liked it mate and good to see you around here.
And yes, even when I was writing the list, the thought kept popping into my head – Do I do this? I don’t think many of the guys reading this are immune to that one…
One of your best articles yet, Leigh. Brings out the best in me, as always. Now it’s time to go out there and face some more “fears” and “insecurities” 😀
Nice article! Actually I’ll call it “Feedback” because it gives direction.
I am for self-improvement so I believe I will benefit greatly from this article. However, my parents do set limits on me, so i’m not allowed to date until i go to college, which is next year. I do try to make female friend, but I either bore girls or I have nothing to talk about to them.
5 26 2014 Dear Leigh, I read your article, and thought it can be helpful to both women and men. Be well. Cordially, Virginia P.S.: Thank you for posting the article. Also, the posts seem as though they are written by a young demographic; they don’t understand the nonsense they write NEVER goes away. And, play nice, it’s easier.
Seriously man……. looks I am still a boy. I liked it a lot. A great self-help read altogether. When will your Boy to Man transform article come out. I will be eagerly waiting.
I would just like to point out that a few of your ideas on this list are a little silly.
“Boys claim they don’t have what they want because the world isn’t fair. Men just go after what they want.”
this is really more of a political view if anything.Some of us irregardless of if we are “man” enough feel that it is quite logical for someone to be born into a disadvantaged situation.Dealt a bad hand if you will.
Sure you can buckle down and work hard for someone else and get by…but think of this from purely an almost sexist viewpoint(I tread lightly)
some of these suggestions are the equivalent of saying “a girl is scared of the kitchen but a real woman makes a three course meal.”
Now I hate talking about gender/sexism issues but this really stuck out.
this is one person view on how someone should live.Conventionally.
Not everyone wants to be a busy bee.That is societys pressures for genders to conform.
Also when someone disagress with your article and you reference your own article as if it where sound peer reviewed fact when it is merely an opinion.Well then you show us all that you have a very narrow mind.Not like it wasnt allready obvious with this almost offensive,condescending dribble you try to pass off as fact.
I completely agree that some people are born into a disadvantaged situation but all that situation determines is where you are now, not what you do with your life.
What you do with your situation then comes down to you. You can sit around making excuses or you can decide to take control and start making a difference.
I could run off a pretty big list of people who were born into ‘disadvantaged situations’ who decided to take control of their situation and are now increedibly successful.
I was born into a single parent household and we were homeless till I was 3. I now live in a beachside paradise with the woman of my dreams and do very well for myself financially.
Not because I was born with a golden spoon in my mouth but because I decided that I was going to take control and create the life I wanted.
You can continue to make excuses. You can continue to blame your upbringing. You can continue to let others dictate how you live your life.
Or, you can decided to take control and create the life you want. Your choice.
You hit the jackpot or something since I left AI Leigh? 😉
I originally stumbled upon this article because i sought the official definition of a man.
This all comes down on your opinion ofcourse, and im at a point of life where im not sure if there is a good or bad in this world.
But that said, I can say that I agree on many things on this list. Its like youre a more, educated, older ”me”. Not counting the few things I dont agree on.
In my life I actually havent seen many people who share that same view on life as you, so its actually very welcoming to me.
That’s awesome mate. I’m glad you’ve found a place with people who have the same view of the world.
And it’s fine not to agree on everything. That’s the way the world works. Take what works for you, disregard everything else.
All the best.
I am a MAN but it took a lot of growing in my part to become a man! Women today can be puzzling but getting past all that women want a real man not some whiny insecure little boy! I see men or at least they think they are walking with their wives having a big gut and letting themselves go! I see them driving in their little foreign cars looking like old men before their times! In other words men have become little wimps controlled by their wives! Thank you for your column! It was great!
This is a spectacular list for becoming a better person. But let’s not kid ourselves…it’s not a checklist on how to get better with women. Sadly, most women today go for the boys and not the men. The Man described by the list above would be considered “scary” by most women today, because he’s not “normal”. Women are often freaked out by anyone who isn’t typical, even if typical means weak and self-indulgent and childish.
Hey mate, glad you liked the list.
Your thoughts about what women want are very interesting because they’re the opposite of what I’ve found. In the moments when I do manage to live up to this list (it’s getting more and more frequent), I find I get lots of very incredible responses from women.
Not all women by a long shot but definitely most women respond very positively.
I guess we must mix in very different circles…
This is fucking hillarious lmao
on a sidenote, this in particular:
12. Boys look for information to prove how right they are. Men seek information that proves that they’re incorrect.
It’s simple reevaluation of yourself a.k.a. self-growth
Hey Leight. I like this post. I have a question. What is your definition of confident?? Do you think confident is the most important thing to attract women?? Thanks for your time.
I do not have to read this bullshit because I am a man
Haha this was great and I think it’s spot on. I am a boy seeking to be a man. A good one at that, I’ll start practicing on a couple of these comparisons, I need to stop looking for who started the problem and focus on the answer.
Love the article, and you got me on number 20 xD
Almost burst out laughing ’cause I know I was looking for confirmation here.
Thanks for the article 🙂 Hoping to get Endgame pretty soon!
This is such a good article.
It’s always nice to come back and refresh the mind with some AI philosophy. Living life as a man is a no brainer given the choice, but even if you make some decisions with the mind set of a boy, it can be useful in helping you realize that you made a mistake and allow you to focus on what you would’ve done differently or if there is a desire to be stronger that was born out of that choice.
You can’t really lose, so might as well start having fun with this journey.
One thing that went through my mind repeatedly whilst reading this post was: Most if not all of the points can be rewritten for the Girl-Woman comparison.
I have found that I can find some of the Girl traits endearing, but mostly I am attracted to Women. Women that know what they want and get it using their femininity.
I like most of your work, great effort!
Your list fails, it does not include dogs. Men involve dogs, period.
Most of the list is absurd. It just makes egotistical “alpha” guys feel superior about themselves. I have a 139 IQ, build high-performance circuits under a microscope, am 9% body fat, and was almost a millionaire twice. Yet I’m 31, nearly broke, never had sex and wish I was dead. Know why? Bad luck. Not a mystical force, simply dice rolls that went against me. If you’re in control of your life, its only because circumstances unfolded in a way that gave you choices.
I didn’t choose to be 5’6″, “small” where it counts, bald, ugly w/ crooked teeth, or to shake from a neuro disorder. Dating is 80% face+build / 20% confidence that comes from good face+build. So I never had a girl and probably never will. My genes make me (measurably) less of a man than 9/10 men. I’m 62% the “volume” (where it counts) of an average man. All “dating” does is draw female attention to these inadequacies. So women reject me, use me for my skills, treat me like crap, and never sleep with me. Congrats on being born with better genes, LoGun, and having the luxury of maintaining your illusions.
Hey mate, sorry to hear you feel so unlucky in life. There’s a critical piece of confusion in your response that seems to be the core of your limited success – a solid understanding of the fundamentals of attraction. I’m emailing you a copy of the first 7 chapters of Endgame. That should clear up a few of the misunderstandings and give you a solid starting point for where to start taking control.
I was surprised by your response, but thank you. The best point on your list is #12, which you could restate as “boys fail to utilize the scientific method.” Its amazing how many people get their opinions from confirmation bias without ever learning how things actually work. I’ll give your guide a thorough read and see if your strategies improve my situation.
“Bad luck. Not a mystical force, simply dice rolls that went against me. If you’re in control of your life, its only because circumstances unfolded in a way that gave you choices. ”
I totally understand you. Our options are determined by circumstances, our knowledge is limited, hence, freedom also is actually very limited.
But there is one choice that is really free, that you can make, no matter what circustances and not matter what information you have.
It’s the choice to strive towards a better life. The choice to use WHATEVER circumstances you have, whatever abilitys, possibilitys are left, whatever little ressources you have, to do whatever you can do to strive towards living a better, more fullfilling, happier, more meaningful life.
You might not be able to be everything you want to be and to have everything you want to have, even if you make this choice. But you will be better, much better off then if you do not make this choice, then if you resign into a state of helplessness. For not making this choice really means to give freedom away and to become a slave of the rolling dice.
There was one man who was among those against whom the dice rolled particulary hard, Viktor Frankl. He was sent into a Nazi concentration camp, one of the most horrible situations humanity has ever created in history.
Yet even there, aparently having no choice at all, he was able to find meaning and also choice.
He wrote a book about that called “Man’s Search for Meaning”.
I recommend you to have a look at it.
This is interesting and in some part very true.
The problem is, most women of childbearing age in today’s society and our culture in particular don’t know the differences between a man and a boy.
Until it’s too late.
This is why a plane ticket to another part of the world is so valuable.
I want sex
I feel like 90% of these questions don’t apply to me, not because i don’t want to answer them but because they are irrelevant to my life, “Boys do what’s easy. Men do what’s right.” for example.
I don’t really care if what i do is morally sound as long as it fixes the problem long term.
If i deck someone i don’t like in the face, that’s morally questionable but they will in fact stop being around me.
If the only way to support myself is to work illegally (Under the table pay, or in a drug factory or some shit) i will work my hands to the bone to make sure i can eat, but it IS morally questionable.
If Jehovas Witnesses come to my doorstep frequently, the next time they show up i will be casually holding the largest kitchen knife i own while telling them, politely, that i don’t appreaciate their visits. Don’t tell me that doesn’t solve the problem.
If i for some reason need to pay the mob off, but if i do they won’t bother me again guaranteed and the only way to get this money is to lie, cheat and steal i will in fact lie, cheat and steal as hard as i can.
This does not mean i will not look for a honest solution to a problem, but if there is no “honest” solution to the problem, i have no problem not taking the moral high ground.
If this makes me a boy then i will happily play with my trucks and make “toot-toot” sounds until i die.
Addendum; Number 22.
If i know i am inadequate but feel no stress about it and have no desire to improve or explain it away but go “yeah, i am fat/lazy/lack ambition/etc. i just don’t care. I am happy with staying where i am in society and socially/physically”.
Where does that put me?
I find myself at the lowest rung of the corporate ladder and perfectly content. I have no ambition to climb higher, i am satisfied with my paycheck and in my work (within the healthcare system) i am helping people everyday.
Am i less of a man because of my lack of ambition?
I don’t know, maybe? I can’t remember ever feeling ambition, higher pay and position comes with more and harder work right? Why would i want that?
I don’t get it.
A twenty year old man (boy?) working at an elderly home for people with alzheimers/similar memory and judgement impairing diseases.
Great article. Thanks for sharing.
Doesn’t 9 and 21 kind of contradict each other? How can a man express emotion but also control them? I guess a healthy balance is the key?
I like this post. It’s a bit gratifying that I’ve been getting some of this right. I think I’m still hung up on some issues that are outlined as boyish characteristics. Mainly letting my fear deter me from getting what I want. I do have a question though, and it may roll back onto the permission and worrying what people think of you, but I’m really curious about boundaries. For someone like me who has made excuses about approaching girls when I’m out, just starting has me feeling a little behind. What are some tips for feeling out boundaries of the girls I’m talking to? Like, I don’t want to flat out assault a girl, but I do want to move things forward. I touch, but I keep it light because I’m not calibrated to know when to escalate it, and honestly I don’t want to be seen as a nuisance or creep.
As I write this, I notice a few problems in that mindset, so I’m hoping to get some answers about it.
I am a man
Where can we get coaching from Leigh or any other coaches about AI?
Jesus Christ this is a trash site that gives horrible advice. Being a man is complicated and ever changing. We have good days and bad days this site is demanding that every man constantly be the perfect person. It is shallow and oblivious to the reality of life men face every day. This is insulting and obnoxious, you assume that your suggestions are flawless and arrogantly sell them as simple tips that just require one completely changing how they think to appease the authors expectations. No one should consider this solid advice.
It sounds like you feel as though you have a lot of pressure on your shoulders and are struggling with the weight of it all. Is that an accurate description of your situation?
The reason I ask is that there’s nothing in this article that says you have to do this all the time and that I do it all the time. I constantly fall short of my own expectations about the kind of Man I can be and this article is simply a reminder for me to help stay on track. The fact that you’re reacting so intensely to thsi article tells me that you’re layering your own perceptions on top of what’s written here, which is usually the result of stress and pressure.
If you feel as though you’re dealing with a lot of pressure and stress and it’s getting to you, I invite you to come join us on the forum and we can help you work through your challenges.
If not, all good. Just thought I saw something there.
All the best,
But if you’re experiencing stress and pressure shouldn’t you deal with it yourself like a man instead of joining a forum and asking for advice like a little crybaby of a boy?
Are you suggesting that a real man would stand all alone and try to work through his challenges rather than to seek the collective wisdom of those who’ve been through the same challenges he’s facing and have found the solution?
That sounds pretty pointless to me.
Thank you for this list. I’m always looking for things to improve about myself and my life (sometimes for the wrong reasons. Read: validation from others. Woops). This helped me identify what exactly to focus on and what to stop being hard on myself for. I’ve turned to Buddhism and therapy for support and self-analysis, and every little bit helps, like these lists and constructive criticism. Now I’m motivated to go run a mile and do pull-ups.
I hope you have a good week. Cheers!